Am i crazy?

I’m on meds now for my anxiety and depression. More so for my anxiety. Am I crazy for not giving up? I just don’t want fear to invade me. Because once it does it invades all of me. And I just want to experience the world and give myself at least that one try. And I’m still looking for that solution. Still putting myself out there. haha what is wrong with me? It’s like I don’t know how to give up. Is that so bad that I want to try work with my anxiety and not let it cripple me? Is that so bad? One way I knew I wasn’t introverted and that I knew anxiety was the issue was when I became extroverted. I always as a kid used to dream about being popular in highschool. And I was in elementary. I liked the connections. I like getting to know people. I liked to share experiences. Because that’s what I believed life was about. It made me feel alive. And it still does. But I have this thing called anxiety that blocks my way. And yes it could be caused by the way I think. But I also know what makes me really happy as well. And I’m stopping myself from having it because of my anxiety. I’m not saying  I need to have people in my life to be happy. I can be happy on my own. But I do know it is something I enjoy. And there are alot of things I enjoy but I’m stopping myself from going there. And to be honest that makes me sad. So am I trying to work on my intense emotions? Yeah. I have to at least give myself the best try. If only you knew how intense my emotions are like.

Nothing to lose- remember this always

How nice is that? You know what I just realized something. When I start to get anxious or scared or depressed its because I feel like I have something to lose. My pride, my ego, my history, the things I’ve worked really hard for. Then I realized at this very moment I truly feel like I don’t have shit to lose because I already lost it. And I instantly feel better. This might seem crazy but the key is to feel like there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to lose even when you have everything and are responsible for alot things. You’re being shitty to me today? You’re being an absolute bitch? I don’t care. Why? Because I having nothing to lose. Not only that I can’t lose me not matter what. No matter how shitty everything is going and I feel like I’m losing myself. I have me first and that’s key and that’s enough. Nothing to lose. Doesn’t matter how much time we’ve spent together. I have absolutely nothing to lose. Na da. I could lose you today and I’ll be okay. Because I’m okay without everyone and I can be and I am. Why? Simple I have nothing to lose. Nothing to scared of. That losing you is ok. That being without you is ok. That being treated like shit isn’t ok. That I’m going to take advantage of what I have to take advantage of. Because you don’t define me. And you took my kindness as weakness. That it doesnt matter. Because I literally have nothing to lose with you. With all of you. That I’m going to be strong on my own first. Because I have nothing to lose. You’re right I aint doing shit right now. And I don’t care because I have nothing to lose. Not you. Not my job. Not my pride. Nothing. And if I do lose those things again it doesn’t matter. Because that shit didn’t belong to me anyways. It’s just a thing. I belong to me. It may sound counter productive. But it isn’t. I know I have a lot to give. And I know when something is wrong or not. Everything happens isn’t me. It’s just there. And I’m here to fuck around with it all and manipulate it. LOL. To experience things. To feel. To feel happiness. To feel sadness. To feel achievement. To feel. To do. To not get sucked into feeling i do have shit to lose. And not identify with any of that crap that we “think” is important to us. Or feel is so fucking real. That was the trap. And I can’t believe it took me this long to remember. That there is and always will be nothing to lose.

I don’t know what to say

I’m so lost for words. So confused with my feelings. Whether I should act like nothing happened and keep moving or stay with the feeling. I can’t believe you’re gone. Nothing feels right. To move on this quickly or to stay with the feelings. I’m so confused and it has nothing to do with you. It’s more me. I just don’t understand how I feel. And maybe that’s ok that I don’t understand. To just feel it for what it is. Confused and all. Look I’m glad you are in a better place. That its treating you good there. I’m sure it was great here too. I genuinely want the best for you. And I know we weren’t too close. And you probably forgot about me by now but I just want you to do good. Youre probably laughing down about how gay I’m being and fu LOL but hey be well ok and be good haha

Ok I’m pretty frustrated

I’m just frustrated with life. I just feel unhappy or just “ok” and I’m kind of taking it out on people closest and around me. I keep hearing it’s the fact that I’m just too hard on myself that I need self love. But it’s so hard. It feels so weird that all I need to do to get rid of my problems is to let go and be kind to myself. I find it hard to believe but at the same time I know it’s truly right and the answer. I just feel it. And it’s like my head my logic won’t let me. But what’s the harm in trying? To be nice to myself constantly. To learn. It’s been a difficult journey. Been crying a lot lately and feeling lost as fuck. And been happy too most fucked up situation ever. But I got to myself a shot. Something I’ve never done consistently and that is being kind and loving myself.

Ok.. i’m lost

I feel like I want to cut certain people out of my life. I tend to see people’s good sides but i also tend to see their bad sides as well and just deal with it. But when is enough enough? I’m debating about one friend.. I just feel like I’m always there for her.. for everything. And not once.. ok once.. she has been there for me.. okay.. twice. Fuck I don’t know. LOL I’m confused as fuck. Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me at all. With the trip we just went to I thought you would at least try to make me feel better. But Look here I go again.. I’m making excuses for you. I’m making excuses that you were there for me because you tolerated me. I’m making excuses for you being a bitch to me even though you knew I was having real issues and apologized to you twice. You weren’t sensitive to that. I’m making excuses that you wouldn’t go out and did whatever I wanted because you knew I was sad. But that’s not true. Why the fuck do I always put you and everyone else above me always. I’m not saying you owe me shit because I go above and beyond fo ryou guys. That’s not the relationships I want to have. I do it because I want to. But sometimes when I need someone there you don’t know how to be. Act like its no big deal… when it is. And I can’t help but make excuses for you. For the way you treat me and that its good enough. But fuck it isn’t. It never was. You do things on your timeline. And I thought that was the way “friendships” were suppose to be like. But i realized I just didn’t know better friendships til now.  deep down I felt like it wasn’t enough and that I just expected too much. But it isn’t.. you just don’t know how to be there for me. Or.. should I say want to be there for me. Because you always put yourself first even when I was miserable. Maybe I’m wrong. maybe I’m right. But deep down I know I don’t deserve this shit. AT ALL. And yes I’m re-evaluating. I need to put myself first. And also put people in my life that actually give a fuck about me as much as I do for them. Not some selfish relationships. I’m done giving people my all and getting shit back. I definitely don’t deserve it.

Okay fine I admit it

I feel like an absolute loser socializing. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Caring about what people think of me and what they think of the experience when we are together. It freaks me out. ALOT. I always tried to hide it from people but hiding it is causing me so much damage to myself. This stress I feel has always been about people. Their expectations of me. Our relationship with eachtoher. I JUST CARE TOO MUCH. And I don’t know how to stop. It may seem stupid but isn’t to me. It feels real to me. Like at work I’m thinking about lunch time. That i’m going to have nobody. That everyone’s going to look at me like I’m such a loser. That I’m isolating myself from everyone. That I dont’ want to talk. That I’m afraid to talk. That I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me. I’m so tempted to just say to myself wtf is wrong with me. But there isn’t anything wrong with me. Yes shit will be awkward. Yes I do care. But this feeling is temporary. I know it keeps coming up and you think its a huge issue. That its holding you back in life. And maybe it is. The truth is.. the only person I have is me. Me and my relationship to myself. And I have to .. I want to be kind to me. Out of everyone. Yes were probably going to go through this pain numerous times but I’m here for you. No secrets. There’s times that you just want to scream at yourself to get a hold of yourself for others. And that’s ok. It’s ok. Know that I will be here for you during those shitty days. Those shitty feelings that feel like forever. And know that you aren’t the only one that goes through this stuff. And you aren’t alone. You have your bestfriends. You have your family. Your counselor. And with all of us combined. You’ll make it through again and again and again.

I just want to be me. Do me. Feel me. Whenever the fuck I want to. That’s it. I don’t want to care about anyone’s feelings. I don’t want to care about anyone’s relationships. I don’t want to care about maintain my relationships. I don’t want to care about you. I just want things to be effortless. Easy. Chill cause we want. And that we’re vibing. And if we are just not in the moods to chill to not chill. If I’m not in the mood it’s not that I’m mad at you. It’s me going through my motions. Just ignore me for the day and we’ll move on. Why do we have to make things so complicated. I just don’t want to care anymore. About you and I don’t want you to care about me. The easy way. I hate it when feelings make shit difficult. And sometimes I just don’t want to deal. With any of it. I just want to be mindlessly happy without all the complications. Is that so hard? 

How I do I feel today

I feel like I just want to think about nothing and just let everything happen. And trust it. I do at times feel vulnerable and at times I feel like I’m okay. It sways and that’s alright. I’ll keep in mind that I only have 8 hours to do and to be honest that’s not that long at all. I’m taking baby steps at a time. I can do this and if I can’t that’s okay too because I trust in the process.

Anxiety. Anxiety. Anixety. You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. You stop me a lot in life. I used to challenge you. Get frustrated with you. Baby talked you. Reasoned with you. Be kind to you. Lost my patience with you. I realized the only thing that worked with you was persistence, courage, and self love. Funny how those things were somethings I was missing and struggling with even before you came along. Are you trying to teach me a lesson? Cause this fucking sucks lol. As much as how much I hate having anxiety I feel like it’s teaching me a lesson I need. To take care of myself first. To be gentle with myself and listen to myself. To love my self unconditionally with all my flaws and appreciate and congratulate all my small victories. To have the courage to do it no matter how my body is reacting. To believe in myself. To be honest and real with me. I don’t have to be this always but a majority is the goal. As much as I hate you at times I realize that you do have a huge benefit to me in my life. Cause you’re teaching me things that I wouldn’t have taught myself without you.

Loving yourself

my brains been a little foggy lately and the patterns that are happening are familiar. My anxiety is something that is something I’m going to have to work on it on a on-going basis. And that’s okay. I think sometimes God places things to you and creates you the way you are because it’s meant to be. And it’s a gift. I’ve been dealing with anxiety as far as I remember. At least since I was 15. And boy was it strong. It took me Til now to realize what was going on and what that feeling was. It was anxiety due to fear. I realized I fear a lot of things. And I’ve pushed through it and I’ve done it but once I’ve stopped it feels like I start all over again at step 1. Maybe that is something I’m scared of … Starting at step one again. Becoming the person I knew I always was going to be.. And then crumbling back to the person I didn’t want to be all over again and doing it publicly humiliated me. Now when I look at it seems stupid to even care what others think of me whether or not they see my roller coaster life. That I’ve been so ashamed that I’ve hid my anxiety and tried to hide my life that was a roller coaster because of fear. But the truth is.. I know I’m hurt right now.. I know I feel sad right now.. I know I’m dissapointed right now.. But I want to live in despite of my fears. I don’t want to live like I’m hiding. And maybe I am pushing too much at once and that I need to really take it step by step. And learn this time not to rush. Sometimes it feels like my life can be really fragile to my emotions and all honesty it feels like it will be. But I’ll learn or at least try to. That I’ll fall a million times and break my own heart to a million pieces and that no matter what I’ll still be able to pick up the pieces and make it whole again and do it all over. I’m a survivor and I’m okay with that.