Being so openly vulnerable and honest feels like I’m leaving myself open. Even though I just told my bestfriends. It feels like I gave a piece of my heart to them. To say my weaknesses. To say what I’m scared of. And the fact that I told them I feel like I need to act like this sad puppy dog around them about it. It’s like saying it makes it real and I have to be like it. Sounds crazy right? And absolutely doesn’t make sense. I don’t have to act the way I say what I feel. I don’t know it just feels so unnatural. I have to say living with your heart open is scary. But the moment I realized that its just pain that’s going to happen because of the fear it made me not scared anymore. I can tolerate pain. And it will pass.
I’m on meds now for my anxiety and depression. More so for my anxiety. Am I crazy for not giving up? I just don’t want fear to invade me. Because once it does it invades all of me. And I just want to experience the world and give myself at least that one try. And I’m still looking for that solution. Still putting myself out there. haha what is wrong with me? It’s like I don’t know how to give up. Is that so bad that I want to try work with my anxiety and not let it cripple me? Is that so bad? One way I knew I wasn’t introverted and that I knew anxiety was the issue was when I became extroverted. I always as a kid used to dream about being popular in highschool. And I was in elementary. I liked the connections. I like getting to know people. I liked to share experiences. Because that’s what I believed life was about. It made me feel alive. And it still does. But I have this thing called anxiety that blocks my way. And yes it could be caused by the way I think. But I also know what makes me really happy as well. And I’m stopping myself from having it because of my anxiety. I’m not saying I need to have people in my life to be happy. I can be happy on my own. But I do know it is something I enjoy. And there are alot of things I enjoy but I’m stopping myself from going there. And to be honest that makes me sad. So am I trying to work on my intense emotions? Yeah. I have to at least give myself the best try. If only you knew how intense my emotions are like.
How nice is that? You know what I just realized something. When I start to get anxious or scared or depressed its because I feel like I have something to lose. My pride, my ego, my history, the things I’ve worked really hard for. Then I realized at this very moment I truly feel like I don’t have shit to lose because I already lost it. And I instantly feel better. This might seem crazy but the key is to feel like there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to lose even when you have everything and are responsible for alot things. You’re being shitty to me today? You’re being an absolute bitch? I don’t care. Why? Because I having nothing to lose. Not only that I can’t lose me not matter what. No matter how shitty everything is going and I feel like I’m losing myself. I have me first and that’s key and that’s enough. Nothing to lose. Doesn’t matter how much time we’ve spent together. I have absolutely nothing to lose. Na da. I could lose you today and I’ll be okay. Because I’m okay without everyone and I can be and I am. Why? Simple I have nothing to lose. Nothing to scared of. That losing you is ok. That being without you is ok. That being treated like shit isn’t ok. That I’m going to take advantage of what I have to take advantage of. Because you don’t define me. And you took my kindness as weakness. That it doesnt matter. Because I literally have nothing to lose with you. With all of you. That I’m going to be strong on my own first. Because I have nothing to lose. You’re right I aint doing shit right now. And I don’t care because I have nothing to lose. Not you. Not my job. Not my pride. Nothing. And if I do lose those things again it doesn’t matter. Because that shit didn’t belong to me anyways. It’s just a thing. I belong to me. It may sound counter productive. But it isn’t. I know I have a lot to give. And I know when something is wrong or not. Everything happens isn’t me. It’s just there. And I’m here to fuck around with it all and manipulate it. LOL. To experience things. To feel. To feel happiness. To feel sadness. To feel achievement. To feel. To do. To not get sucked into feeling i do have shit to lose. And not identify with any of that crap that we “think” is important to us. Or feel is so fucking real. That was the trap. And I can’t believe it took me this long to remember. That there is and always will be nothing to lose.
I’m so lost for words. So confused with my feelings. Whether I should act like nothing happened and keep moving or stay with the feeling. I can’t believe you’re gone. Nothing feels right. To move on this quickly or to stay with the feelings. I’m so confused and it has nothing to do with you. It’s more me. I just don’t understand how I feel. And maybe that’s ok that I don’t understand. To just feel it for what it is. Confused and all. Look I’m glad you are in a better place. That its treating you good there. I’m sure it was great here too. I genuinely want the best for you. And I know we weren’t too close. And you probably forgot about me by now but I just want you to do good. Youre probably laughing down about how gay I’m being and fu LOL but hey be well ok and be good haha
I’m just frustrated with life. I just feel unhappy or just “ok” and I’m kind of taking it out on people closest and around me. I keep hearing it’s the fact that I’m just too hard on myself that I need self love. But it’s so hard. It feels so weird that all I need to do to get rid of my problems is to let go and be kind to myself. I find it hard to believe but at the same time I know it’s truly right and the answer. I just feel it. And it’s like my head my logic won’t let me. But what’s the harm in trying? To be nice to myself constantly. To learn. It’s been a difficult journey. Been crying a lot lately and feeling lost as fuck. And been happy too most fucked up situation ever. But I got to myself a shot. Something I’ve never done consistently and that is being kind and loving myself.
I feel like I want to cut certain people out of my life. I tend to see people’s good sides but i also tend to see their bad sides as well and just deal with it. But when is enough enough? I’m debating about one friend.. I just feel like I’m always there for her.. for everything. And not once.. ok once.. she has been there for me.. okay.. twice. Fuck I don’t know. LOL I’m confused as fuck. Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me at all. With the trip we just went to I thought you would at least try to make me feel better. But Look here I go again.. I’m making excuses for you. I’m making excuses that you were there for me because you tolerated me. I’m making excuses for you being a bitch to me even though you knew I was having real issues and apologized to you twice. You weren’t sensitive to that. I’m making excuses that you wouldn’t go out and did whatever I wanted because you knew I was sad. But that’s not true. Why the fuck do I always put you and everyone else above me always. I’m not saying you owe me shit because I go above and beyond fo ryou guys. That’s not the relationships I want to have. I do it because I want to. But sometimes when I need someone there you don’t know how to be. Act like its no big deal… when it is. And I can’t help but make excuses for you. For the way you treat me and that its good enough. But fuck it isn’t. It never was. You do things on your timeline. And I thought that was the way “friendships” were suppose to be like. But i realized I just didn’t know better friendships til now. deep down I felt like it wasn’t enough and that I just expected too much. But it isn’t.. you just don’t know how to be there for me. Or.. should I say want to be there for me. Because you always put yourself first even when I was miserable. Maybe I’m wrong. maybe I’m right. But deep down I know I don’t deserve this shit. AT ALL. And yes I’m re-evaluating. I need to put myself first. And also put people in my life that actually give a fuck about me as much as I do for them. Not some selfish relationships. I’m done giving people my all and getting shit back. I definitely don’t deserve it.