my brains been a little foggy lately and the patterns that are happening are familiar. My anxiety is something that is something I’m going to have to work on it on a on-going basis. And that’s okay. I think sometimes God places things to you and creates you the way you are because it’s meant to be. And it’s a gift. I’ve been dealing with anxiety as far as I remember. At least since I was 15. And boy was it strong. It took me Til now to realize what was going on and what that feeling was. It was anxiety due to fear. I realized I fear a lot of things. And I’ve pushed through it and I’ve done it but once I’ve stopped it feels like I start all over again at step 1. Maybe that is something I’m scared of … Starting at step one again. Becoming the person I knew I always was going to be.. And then crumbling back to the person I didn’t want to be all over again and doing it publicly humiliated me. Now when I look at it seems stupid to even care what others think of me whether or not they see my roller coaster life. That I’ve been so ashamed that I’ve hid my anxiety and tried to hide my life that was a roller coaster because of fear. But the truth is.. I know I’m hurt right now.. I know I feel sad right now.. I know I’m dissapointed right now.. But I want to live in despite of my fears. I don’t want to live like I’m hiding. And maybe I am pushing too much at once and that I need to really take it step by step. And learn this time not to rush. Sometimes it feels like my life can be really fragile to my emotions and all honesty it feels like it will be. But I’ll learn or at least try to. That I’ll fall a million times and break my own heart to a million pieces and that no matter what I’ll still be able to pick up the pieces and make it whole again and do it all over. I’m a survivor and I’m okay with that.

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