I keep forgetting about my purpose. Ya I have my bad days. Ya I have my good days too. But on days that I get sucked into my thoughts and let my emotions control is when I need to seek my purpose again. What am I doing this all for again. I get so sucked into people’s perception of me and pleasing them. But it was that moment that I didn’t give a fuck about them was when they loved me. The moment I started giving a fuck about them and being afraid of doing things is what gets me to be paralyzed about my analysis.
Okay I’m not trying to lie my mind is literally fighting with itself. I’ve been trying to ignore it this whole time. And its been a week. And I still am fighting with myself. Feeling shitty about myself. Letting my thoughts get to me. And I’m not going to lie I just felt like my heart sank. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. It’s hard dealing with these emotions. Dealing with self pity. Caring too much about what other people think about me. Me trying to stay normal at work when I’m absolutely being a weirdo. Talking to myself. Telling myself to constantly shut up. Acting weird. It’s all in my head and the fact that I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts and feelings made me act it out. I’m not going to lie right now I feel like absolute shit. And to be honest I don’t know how long I’m going to be like this. Or if I’ll find an answer or a solution. But I’ll give it time. Time til I’m ready. And I’m going to take my time. I forfeit. I give the power to you. I mean if I’m going to feel shitty or be shitty I might as well go all in. I’m not even going to try to make myself feel better. Bring it on shitty days. Bring it the fuck on. And thoughts you wanna keep running through my mind. I fucking give in. Just keep going. Keep fucking going. And awkward moments and awkward interactions bring it fucking on. Give me the worst of the worst. Cause I give up. I give up on fighting you. I’m not going to try and make myself feel better cause fuck this. and fuck it. You’re a fight I’m not trying to win anymore cause I’m fucking tired. Dead tired. and over it.