I feel like an absolute loser socializing. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Caring about what people think of me and what they think of the experience when we are together. It freaks me out. ALOT. I always tried to hide it from people but hiding it is causing me so much damage to myself. This stress I feel has always been about people. Their expectations of me. Our relationship with eachtoher. I JUST CARE TOO MUCH. And I don’t know how to stop. It may seem stupid but isn’t to me. It feels real to me. Like at work I’m thinking about lunch time. That i’m going to have nobody. That everyone’s going to look at me like I’m such a loser. That I’m isolating myself from everyone. That I dont’ want to talk. That I’m afraid to talk. That I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me. I’m so tempted to just say to myself wtf is wrong with me. But there isn’t anything wrong with me. Yes shit will be awkward. Yes I do care. But this feeling is temporary. I know it keeps coming up and you think its a huge issue. That its holding you back in life. And maybe it is. The truth is.. the only person I have is me. Me and my relationship to myself. And I have to .. I want to be kind to me. Out of everyone. Yes were probably going to go through this pain numerous times but I’m here for you. No secrets. There’s times that you just want to scream at yourself to get a hold of yourself for others. And that’s ok. It’s ok. Know that I will be here for you during those shitty days. Those shitty feelings that feel like forever. And know that you aren’t the only one that goes through this stuff. And you aren’t alone. You have your bestfriends. You have your family. Your counselor. And with all of us combined. You’ll make it through again and again and again.
I just want to be me. Do me. Feel me. Whenever the fuck I want to. That’s it. I don’t want to care about anyone’s feelings. I don’t want to care about anyone’s relationships. I don’t want to care about maintain my relationships. I don’t want to care about you. I just want things to be effortless. Easy. Chill cause we want. And that we’re vibing. And if we are just not in the moods to chill to not chill. If I’m not in the mood it’s not that I’m mad at you. It’s me going through my motions. Just ignore me for the day and we’ll move on. Why do we have to make things so complicated. I just don’t want to care anymore. About you and I don’t want you to care about me. The easy way. I hate it when feelings make shit difficult. And sometimes I just don’t want to deal. With any of it. I just want to be mindlessly happy without all the complications. Is that so hard?
I feel like I just want to think about nothing and just let everything happen. And trust it. I do at times feel vulnerable and at times I feel like I’m okay. It sways and that’s alright. I’ll keep in mind that I only have 8 hours to do and to be honest that’s not that long at all. I’m taking baby steps at a time. I can do this and if I can’t that’s okay too because I trust in the process.
Anxiety. Anxiety. Anixety. You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. You stop me a lot in life. I used to challenge you. Get frustrated with you. Baby talked you. Reasoned with you. Be kind to you. Lost my patience with you. I realized the only thing that worked with you was persistence, courage, and self love. Funny how those things were somethings I was missing and struggling with even before you came along. Are you trying to teach me a lesson? Cause this fucking sucks lol. As much as how much I hate having anxiety I feel like it’s teaching me a lesson I need. To take care of myself first. To be gentle with myself and listen to myself. To love my self unconditionally with all my flaws and appreciate and congratulate all my small victories. To have the courage to do it no matter how my body is reacting. To believe in myself. To be honest and real with me. I don’t have to be this always but a majority is the goal. As much as I hate you at times I realize that you do have a huge benefit to me in my life. Cause you’re teaching me things that I wouldn’t have taught myself without you.
my brains been a little foggy lately and the patterns that are happening are familiar. My anxiety is something that is something I’m going to have to work on it on a on-going basis. And that’s okay. I think sometimes God places things to you and creates you the way you are because it’s meant to be. And it’s a gift. I’ve been dealing with anxiety as far as I remember. At least since I was 15. And boy was it strong. It took me Til now to realize what was going on and what that feeling was. It was anxiety due to fear. I realized I fear a lot of things. And I’ve pushed through it and I’ve done it but once I’ve stopped it feels like I start all over again at step 1. Maybe that is something I’m scared of … Starting at step one again. Becoming the person I knew I always was going to be.. And then crumbling back to the person I didn’t want to be all over again and doing it publicly humiliated me. Now when I look at it seems stupid to even care what others think of me whether or not they see my roller coaster life. That I’ve been so ashamed that I’ve hid my anxiety and tried to hide my life that was a roller coaster because of fear. But the truth is.. I know I’m hurt right now.. I know I feel sad right now.. I know I’m dissapointed right now.. But I want to live in despite of my fears. I don’t want to live like I’m hiding. And maybe I am pushing too much at once and that I need to really take it step by step. And learn this time not to rush. Sometimes it feels like my life can be really fragile to my emotions and all honesty it feels like it will be. But I’ll learn or at least try to. That I’ll fall a million times and break my own heart to a million pieces and that no matter what I’ll still be able to pick up the pieces and make it whole again and do it all over. I’m a survivor and I’m okay with that.
Mantra: Let the worst of the worst happen. Feel it. It’ll be okay because you’ll figure it out and if you don’t that’s okay too. Think of why you came here for the first place, your purpose.
Things that don’t work:
-replaying the situation over and over again
-beating up myself over
-ignoring it’s there
-ignoring it and thinking its going to be gone by tomorrow
-assuming/reading people’s minds and believing it
-faking that its not affecting me and acting like it’s all okay
-numbing myself with alcohol
-being in situations that I don’t want to be and force myself to be in/ guilt tripping myself
-being mean to myself
-getting irritated with myself
Things that work:
-talking about it the first thing it happens casually
-talking to people I trust about it
-taking baby steps and starting small again
-do one thing at a time
-prioritizing things by urgency
-just doing it
-being kind to myself
-not beating up myself about it
-that even if the worst thing happens its okay shit will keep running
-recognizing the feeling and give it a moment
-feeling the fear and doing it anyway
-letting the thought happen and feeling happen even though my pride hurts
-not giving a fuck; fuck everyone
-letting yourself get judged and being okay with it
-letting yourself assume and be okay with it
-letting every terrible thought come by and be okay with it even if you aren’t that’s okay too
-talking to a counsellor
-being honest, very honest
-letting the bad days happen and be okay with it and even if you aren’t and crying
-beliving in yourself for real
-being confident in yourself
-openly talking about it
-the feeling of you’ll know
I keep forgetting about my purpose. Ya I have my bad days. Ya I have my good days too. But on days that I get sucked into my thoughts and let my emotions control is when I need to seek my purpose again. What am I doing this all for again. I get so sucked into people’s perception of me and pleasing them. But it was that moment that I didn’t give a fuck about them was when they loved me. The moment I started giving a fuck about them and being afraid of doing things is what gets me to be paralyzed about my analysis.
Okay I’m not trying to lie my mind is literally fighting with itself. I’ve been trying to ignore it this whole time. And its been a week. And I still am fighting with myself. Feeling shitty about myself. Letting my thoughts get to me. And I’m not going to lie I just felt like my heart sank. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. It’s hard dealing with these emotions. Dealing with self pity. Caring too much about what other people think about me. Me trying to stay normal at work when I’m absolutely being a weirdo. Talking to myself. Telling myself to constantly shut up. Acting weird. It’s all in my head and the fact that I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts and feelings made me act it out. I’m not going to lie right now I feel like absolute shit. And to be honest I don’t know how long I’m going to be like this. Or if I’ll find an answer or a solution. But I’ll give it time. Time til I’m ready. And I’m going to take my time. I forfeit. I give the power to you. I mean if I’m going to feel shitty or be shitty I might as well go all in. I’m not even going to try to make myself feel better. Bring it on shitty days. Bring it the fuck on. And thoughts you wanna keep running through my mind. I fucking give in. Just keep going. Keep fucking going. And awkward moments and awkward interactions bring it fucking on. Give me the worst of the worst. Cause I give up. I give up on fighting you. I’m not going to try and make myself feel better cause fuck this. and fuck it. You’re a fight I’m not trying to win anymore cause I’m fucking tired. Dead tired. and over it.