Why do I keep forgiving you when you do this to me over and over again. Yes you are family but I’ve got to say you both have put through the beating over and over again. And I’m that loser that keeps forgiving you. Keeps hoping. Even though I didn’t realize how much resentment I held towards the both of you. I wish I didn’t have to be your adult but it seems that I’ve always stepped up to the plate when you both didn’t want to handle things anymore. I’ve always picked up the pieces out of guilt or you guys forced me to by criticizing me. I don’t know why I let you guys get to me so bad. Maybe I let images of the way it was supposed to be get to me. I know you guys aren’t perfect and I’m not asking you to be. But it doesn’t help that when I’m being the “adult” to you guys by handling your issues that you still think I don’t do enough for you. Yeah I check out emotionally because that was the only way I could have handled things. Yeah I may have looked selfish towards you because I didn’t give you reassuring words. But I handled it. You should have at least considered ALL the actions I’ve made. FOR YOU. Cause I knew you couldn’t handle it. Both of you. So I stepped up. I never told you how I felt because I didn’t think I needed to. And I didn’t want you to pity me either. I didn’t want to explain myself to you because I also thought you couldn’t handle how I felt with everything already a mess. The fact that you guys always consider me selfish and always took me for granted hurt beyond. Why is it that I always have to cry for you guys to notice me? Or have a nervous breakdown? Why is that. I don’t know I’m just so done with you guys. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even want to look at you. And I know I always say this and say that this is going to be the last time you’re going to treat me like this but I really have to move on. I really need to set boundaries with you. I can’t keep torturing myself like this so that I spare your guys feelings. I can’t anymore. I’m sorry. But I can’t. I just can’t anymore. It happens way too often. I’m going to distance myself from you guys and figure a plan out.
Maybe I’ve calmed down. Maybe I’ve looked at things in your perspective. Or maybe I finally let reality hit me. YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK AT YOUR FUCKING JOB. AND THE WORST PART IS YOU WON’T EVEN FUCKING ADMIT IT. And you know what I had sympathy for you because I was once where you were. SO I ALWAYS HAD SYMPATHY FOR YOU. I even backed you up during a meeting when EVERYONE was attacking you and I protected you in front of our manager. YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I’m ranting because all you do is victimize yourself and taking me for granted. ALWAYS. And I’m so over it. And I’m mad at myself for falling for it and having your back. But I see it now and trust me there is no turning back. I see you for who you are. I thought you were misjudged but you aren’t. I’m literally lost for words. I can’t believe people like you exist but c’est la vie. I wish you would work on yourself. I wish you would acknowledge your weaknesses and work on them and grow your strengths. I wish you knew how to handle your stress. I wish you knew how you were treating people around you when you are stressed. That when you aren’t stressed and being nice to us to make up for it isn’t enough. I wish you chose a job you loved and not a job that makes you unhappy. And I wish you would fucking quit your job LOL. At the end of the day .. I always feel like a hypocrite to judge you like this because this isn’t a person I want to be anymore. I don’t want to judge you on your actions and words because everyone messes up. And I wish I could always not take it personal but I do at times. And as much I hate who you are when you are stressed maybe I should look at myself to be able to tolerate you. To not let my environment affect me. To increase my patience with you even though I know you don’t deserve it. Maybe I can make something good out of this. Ah.. another day with your stupid ass. Please help me God.