Ever since I’ve distanced myself from people that I no longer want to be associated with and start meeting people by trying to be my genuine self.. I realize we all want the same thing. No matter how stupid, bitchy, hypocritical dumb the bitch is. People get burned and get bitter.. I get that. But if you really dig deep to everyone in your life and the people who you really hate you’ll notice that we all want the same thing. We all just want to have fun, have a fulfilled life, make a shit load of money working in a place we love and with people we adore, thrive, succeed, do well, belong, and have genuine friendships. But shit we make it difficult as fuck LOL.. All that in between shit. It’s all us. From time to time I’m not going to lie I bitch about it on here. But at the end of the day I still get the reason why they turned out the way they turned out. I’m just not interested in following that same path you know? And yeah I get sucked in from time to time because there is a sense of belonging even if it is negative. But I drag myself out sooner or later and I see it for what it is. And then I start focusing on what I was focusing on before. I realize that I still let my feelings and emotions get to me. And my overthinking and my oversensitivity get to me. But I’m still learning and I got to start from somewhere even if I back track. I don’t know I just want to keep going whereever that is. With something I love to do, people I adore, somewhere fun, and just thrive.
I know I ramble alot haha and don’t make sense at times. I’m just sayin what’s literally on my mind even if it doesn’t make sense or correlate. Anyways.. I don’t know I’m in the mood of just getting my shit together again. I lost it for a few months with my emotional breakdown this year haha. But I’m getting this urge again and its nice. I missed it. It was always that urge that made me do things that I didn’t want to do but got me excited to do it at the same time. I don’t know haha this job I feel like is giving me a shit load of signs. Like you need to work on these things that you aren’t that good at yet that you never thought you needed. Then at the same time its telling me that you can’t do this for the rest of your life. You just don’t enjoy this. That this isn’t the work environment you want to excel in. I don’t know I always see the benefits in doing things I’m uncomfortable in and it kind of helps me decide what I really want and don’t want. I realize I get lazy when I’m unmotivated. I realize I’m not good with speaking up to authority because I feel like I’m not clear and smart enough even though I’m almost done my bachelors in uni. I realize I underestimate myself alot. I realize I wasn’t as confident as I thought as was regarding my skill set. I realize when I feel like I don’t do well and shit on myself that everything else around me including my coworkers realtionships go down hill and that I isolate myself. I realize that no matter how much I pictured it to be it never was what it was like LOL.. I realize I get passive aggressive when I have to hold my tongue with people that piss me off even though I really want to yell at them and rip their head off. I realize when I nitpick myself I start to get nervous and scared about EVERYTHING and that I start acting weird and not myself. I realize I give work WAY WAY too much power over myself. I realize I always give my all to people even if I don’t know shit, and that they still don’t appreciate it. I realize I’m not as good as taking criticism as I thought I was. And definitely not good at getting yelled at. I realize when shit is all going down I’m not good at keeping my shit together. And I guess the most important realization is that.. I still have a lot to learn about it. That pushing yourself into things doesn’t help. But to take it bit by bit and to keep moving forward even if it is slow as fuck. Because at least you’re trying. And not hibernating. I’m still learning and I still get anxiety and stupid shit. I’m honestly a really private person and I don’t really share my feelings and deepest thoughts with people. It just doesn’t feel right to me when I have to force myself to say it to someone. And so when I went from being really outgoing to back to my usual I get feelings of anxiety that someone I “knew” will see me and “judge” me. Even though it is a possibility of happening and also have a possibility of not happening it ruins my day. I honestly have no idea where it came from. But that’s not important anymore trying to find why why why. I’m trying to go to places where I’ll be seen but its hard? I imagine all these scenarios that play out when I bump into this person that person. What they think of me. Then I write this out infront of my face and realize how dumb that is. Who wants to live their rest of their life hiding? Not me. but I do it unintentionally. I feel so strongly about it at the moment and its always my deal breaker. Always my first thought. Look I don’t blame myself for why that happens. But I realize I have to make myself feel safe first and then decide. That’s one of my goals this year. To just let go and not care. Who cares if I get judged? or if shit happens like the way it plays out in my head. To just live without considering other people’s opinions. Damn I swear if I was famous or celebrity I would probably die LOL.. I don’t think I could deal with that amount of stress and judgement or I would have to learn how to take it. This shit is crippling haha. I don’t know I just want to do better bit by bit. No matter how big or small.