That’s literally how i’m feeling right now. Just had a heated argument with m. But I just cant help but feel guilty. Just a tinge. I don’t know.. I’m just airing out how I really feel about the situation. And its true they did just dump this whole thing on me expecting me to solve it or their friends. But their the ones who got into it? How does that make any sense? Now that I’m older you dump your things on me now because you want me to have experience? Are you even thinking about me? Let’s be real. Look I’m not trying to be selfish at all. I know I’ll probably have to do a lot of things when you guys get older. I get that. But these little things that you guys had no problem doing when I was younger your dumping on me? And its not only that you abuse me. The fact that I’ll do this and that for you.. you then end up putting even more shit on me to do. Literally taking me for granted. And I tell you how I feel and you ignore it and care about it at the moment and do the same thing over and over again. How is that fair for me? I really do want to move out. I don’t want to be in an environment where I constantly feel negative. I just dont like it even if I have to struggle. Cause honestly I’m just emotionally drained from you guys. All the heavy shit you guys dump on me and expect me to solve. ANd tell me that that’s just life. I get that just life but damn can you let me figure out my own shit instead of doing all your guys mundane shit you guys could have done yourself or figured out a way. What happened to that? I don’t know maybe I’m selfish but one thing I can say about you guys for real though is that my counsellors are right you guys do treat me like the adult while you guys act like the kids. I was just in denial.
Damn L. I don’t know how you do it. Looking back on your life and lessons I realized you always stayed true to yourself wholeheartedly. I guess it was that simple after all saying completely how you feel and being completely you in all your decisions. I’m envious of that haha that you were brave enough to always be you. I mean look at you now. You literally have everything a girl could wish for and more. I guess I never believed someone could succeed without deception and betrayal but you did it. And not only that you’re doing amazing things without all that bs. You really are an inspiration that everyone should look up to. I always loved your advice because it was so relatable and really true and honest. It’s funny how I’m looking for what means something to me and do things that mean something to me and to be something that means something to me and surround myself around people that mean something to me and all I had to do was to be completely true to myself. Sometimes I get so stuck on what people are doing and what’s cool and what’s on trend and just compare but that shit never made me happy. But I should have known better that comparing yourself to anything doesn’t make you feel better maybe for the moment but for the long run it definitely doesn’t. And when I get glimpses from my past and people from my past I get a little upset and question myself if I’m missing something and then I get reminded about somebody like you and it all goes away. That I was doing the right thing all along and just because not a lot of people are doing what I’m doing made me doubt myself doesn’t mean it isn’t right. And you remind me of what I really want and what makes me happy not this empty stuff. So, thank you.
I’m getting the glimpses of what I want again. It’s honestly so refreshing to just remmeber you know? Like picturing the way I wanted my life to be. And yeah yeah I know no expectations right? I know but I want an idea at least for what I’m striving for. I’m not aiming to be directionless. And its honestly just nice to feel like you are striving for something you want. Whatever that is. I’m just getting reminded again of how I want a job I love, to not think about work when I don’t have to, to be happy and the real me when I’m having fun and going out, to be the way I am with guys, to do the things I want to do without including everything else in the picture. To be scared doing it but too excited that you go through it anyways. All of that. I can’t believe I lost you for a second. I definitely don’t want to forget about you anymore haha. I think what I’m trying to say is that I missed being myself WHOLELY. Not just part of me but being ALL of me. I missed that. And I was depriving myself of me LOL. And I was suffering because of that. I know you can get caught up in things that are irrelevant but ifyou can remind yourself of what you really want and keep striving for them I honestly think it will help for whatever it is. And I truly feel like you will get there and be there. Being completely you. Being happily completely you. You’ll get there, I promise.
This is like so weird and honestly I haven’t had this feeling in a while. I literally just watched a movie again that I first watched with this really cute guy at the theatres and its like bringing me back memories and feelings I seriously haven’t had in a while. I’m not going to lie it was like a really good time before because I never had strings attached, everything was light, flirty, and loose. No stress, no responsibility, nothing serious. And I loved that. And honestly .. it makes me want to get back into it. I’ve been a little too serious in life but honeslty this is the first time that I didn’t even look at the negatives. Because even if there are the benefits outweigh them. I just want to get out there again with no expectations and just get my feet swept away like I always did. I miss that. Where it always turned out to be way better then I could dream of. Yes I miss being stressless. And being reckless. If thats one thing I learned from C. I learned what I definitely liked. Scratch that. Loved. I just have to go get it myself now or just set myself up unintentionally. To be how I like to be. Love to be. To being who I really am. To not be serious because honestly that isnt who I am haha. I loved to mess around, joke around, mess up. I loved all of that. Anything for a joke. Miss it. Just need a reminder once in a while when I forget who I am and get caught up.
Ever since I’ve distanced myself from people that I no longer want to be associated with and start meeting people by trying to be my genuine self.. I realize we all want the same thing. No matter how stupid, bitchy, hypocritical dumb the bitch is. People get burned and get bitter.. I get that. But if you really dig deep to everyone in your life and the people who you really hate you’ll notice that we all want the same thing. We all just want to have fun, have a fulfilled life, make a shit load of money working in a place we love and with people we adore, thrive, succeed, do well, belong, and have genuine friendships. But shit we make it difficult as fuck LOL.. All that in between shit. It’s all us. From time to time I’m not going to lie I bitch about it on here. But at the end of the day I still get the reason why they turned out the way they turned out. I’m just not interested in following that same path you know? And yeah I get sucked in from time to time because there is a sense of belonging even if it is negative. But I drag myself out sooner or later and I see it for what it is. And then I start focusing on what I was focusing on before. I realize that I still let my feelings and emotions get to me. And my overthinking and my oversensitivity get to me. But I’m still learning and I got to start from somewhere even if I back track. I don’t know I just want to keep going whereever that is. With something I love to do, people I adore, somewhere fun, and just thrive.
I know I ramble alot haha and don’t make sense at times. I’m just sayin what’s literally on my mind even if it doesn’t make sense or correlate. Anyways.. I don’t know I’m in the mood of just getting my shit together again. I lost it for a few months with my emotional breakdown this year haha. But I’m getting this urge again and its nice. I missed it. It was always that urge that made me do things that I didn’t want to do but got me excited to do it at the same time. I don’t know haha this job I feel like is giving me a shit load of signs. Like you need to work on these things that you aren’t that good at yet that you never thought you needed. Then at the same time its telling me that you can’t do this for the rest of your life. You just don’t enjoy this. That this isn’t the work environment you want to excel in. I don’t know I always see the benefits in doing things I’m uncomfortable in and it kind of helps me decide what I really want and don’t want. I realize I get lazy when I’m unmotivated. I realize I’m not good with speaking up to authority because I feel like I’m not clear and smart enough even though I’m almost done my bachelors in uni. I realize I underestimate myself alot. I realize I wasn’t as confident as I thought as was regarding my skill set. I realize when I feel like I don’t do well and shit on myself that everything else around me including my coworkers realtionships go down hill and that I isolate myself. I realize that no matter how much I pictured it to be it never was what it was like LOL.. I realize I get passive aggressive when I have to hold my tongue with people that piss me off even though I really want to yell at them and rip their head off. I realize when I nitpick myself I start to get nervous and scared about EVERYTHING and that I start acting weird and not myself. I realize I give work WAY WAY too much power over myself. I realize I always give my all to people even if I don’t know shit, and that they still don’t appreciate it. I realize I’m not as good as taking criticism as I thought I was. And definitely not good at getting yelled at. I realize when shit is all going down I’m not good at keeping my shit together. And I guess the most important realization is that.. I still have a lot to learn about it. That pushing yourself into things doesn’t help. But to take it bit by bit and to keep moving forward even if it is slow as fuck. Because at least you’re trying. And not hibernating. I’m still learning and I still get anxiety and stupid shit. I’m honestly a really private person and I don’t really share my feelings and deepest thoughts with people. It just doesn’t feel right to me when I have to force myself to say it to someone. And so when I went from being really outgoing to back to my usual I get feelings of anxiety that someone I “knew” will see me and “judge” me. Even though it is a possibility of happening and also have a possibility of not happening it ruins my day. I honestly have no idea where it came from. But that’s not important anymore trying to find why why why. I’m trying to go to places where I’ll be seen but its hard? I imagine all these scenarios that play out when I bump into this person that person. What they think of me. Then I write this out infront of my face and realize how dumb that is. Who wants to live their rest of their life hiding? Not me. but I do it unintentionally. I feel so strongly about it at the moment and its always my deal breaker. Always my first thought. Look I don’t blame myself for why that happens. But I realize I have to make myself feel safe first and then decide. That’s one of my goals this year. To just let go and not care. Who cares if I get judged? or if shit happens like the way it plays out in my head. To just live without considering other people’s opinions. Damn I swear if I was famous or celebrity I would probably die LOL.. I don’t think I could deal with that amount of stress and judgement or I would have to learn how to take it. This shit is crippling haha. I don’t know I just want to do better bit by bit. No matter how big or small.