Sometimes it really frustrates me when I see people who don’t deserve it win or are better than people who are genuinely good people. I really hate seeing that. Because I honestly do feel they don’t deserve it. Where? When? Did you learn to be so bitter? I don’t understand it and I will never get it. I get it that sometimes people will shit on you when they have a bad day or when everyday is a bad day. But don’t let that shit get to you. Is it so wrong that I just want to be good and winning. I honestly feel this internal frustration because I’m not going to lie I don’t feel like the most useful and clever and smart and outspoken and confident person in what I’m doing. To be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck when I’m put on the spot. But that’s why I took it because I don’t want to be in my comfort zone. I’m trying to get comfortable with being uncomfortable all the time. I mean that’s when things happen isn’t it? It’s when I push myself. Do things that scare the shit out of me even if its stupid. Not letting my mind win. I want control of it. I just want to be useful and clever, smart, and all those things just so I can side with the underdog, and not let them get bullied by fucked up people and just let them know that you don’t have to be an asshole to win. And that you don’t have to treat people like shit or get into cliques or to be scared of the wrath. I just want to do me. I just want to be great. But it is frustrating when I see my weaknesses. I want to be useful to things that matter. Not just the easy stuff. I want to make a difference. Maybe that’s why I keep sticking myself in situations where I am so vulnerable. I can’t help it. Cause even though I hurt literally from the core from the things people say to me I still have that little ounce of ambition telling me don’t give up. But I realized that pushing things and forcing myself do not work. I just have to let it happen and be prepared. But not forced to do something I can’t do at the time being. Because it freezes me. I don’t know haha but I really do enjoy seeing good people deserve things they deserve and getting it. It honestly makes me very happy. And I hope one day I can be one of those too haha.

Advertisements