Sometimes it really frustrates me when I see people who don’t deserve it win or are better than people who are genuinely good people. I really hate seeing that. Because I honestly do feel they don’t deserve it. Where? When? Did you learn to be so bitter? I don’t understand it and I will never get it. I get it that sometimes people will shit on you when they have a bad day or when everyday is a bad day. But don’t let that shit get to you. Is it so wrong that I just want to be good and winning. I honestly feel this internal frustration because I’m not going to lie I don’t feel like the most useful and clever and smart and outspoken and confident person in what I’m doing. To be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck when I’m put on the spot. But that’s why I took it because I don’t want to be in my comfort zone. I’m trying to get comfortable with being uncomfortable all the time. I mean that’s when things happen isn’t it? It’s when I push myself. Do things that scare the shit out of me even if its stupid. Not letting my mind win. I want control of it. I just want to be useful and clever, smart, and all those things just so I can side with the underdog, and not let them get bullied by fucked up people and just let them know that you don’t have to be an asshole to win. And that you don’t have to treat people like shit or get into cliques or to be scared of the wrath. I just want to do me. I just want to be great. But it is frustrating when I see my weaknesses. I want to be useful to things that matter. Not just the easy stuff. I want to make a difference. Maybe that’s why I keep sticking myself in situations where I am so vulnerable. I can’t help it. Cause even though I hurt literally from the core from the things people say to me I still have that little ounce of ambition telling me don’t give up. But I realized that pushing things and forcing myself do not work. I just have to let it happen and be prepared. But not forced to do something I can’t do at the time being. Because it freezes me. I don’t know haha but I really do enjoy seeing good people deserve things they deserve and getting it. It honestly makes me very happy. And I hope one day I can be one of those too haha.
I honestly am picturing her getting punched in the face over and over again. And knocking one of her teeth out. That’s literally the only thing making me laugh right now. Ive never been SO FUCKING annoyed. Are you seriously that bitter to come back to your old job? Just cause you got pushed back? Are you fucking serious. And all you have to say about us taking over is to TALK SHIT? FUCK YOU. I hope you get all the backlash. UGH I’m just so angry at that this fucking bitch. I’m not going to lie I can’t take criticism that well. And I take everything very personally. But fuck why am I turning this on to myself to make myself feel shit FUCK YOU AGAIN. I ABSOLUTELY HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS. I hate her so much but I feel like I’m over it too. Like I’m forcing myself to be mad. Truth is I don’t care but I do. I just get really heated at the moment. Because I can’t believe that there are people like this. Just cause your bitter doesn’t mean you have to make other people bitter too. Why cant you just stick in your own lane. People get what they are supposed to get in the end of the day. Why the need? I keep coming to this problem. I always some reason expect people to be what I picture them to be. The best of them. That who ever is saying whatever about them just doesn’t understand them and that everyone does have flaws and its okay. But I’m coming to realize that isn’t true. Ya I maybe in generation Y and have an expectation that my life is going to be great with a unicorn on top of that but I’m slowly realizing that that isn’t real life. That people will shit on you no matter how nice you have been to them and worked hard for them. And you’ll debate if a heated conversation is worth it or not. And that you’ll learn to be passive aggressive because of unresolved feelings. And that no matter where you go you will always bump into shitty people. With no good intentions unless it involves benefiting themselves. That you’ll turn bitter and then start to do the same to other people without even knowing. But the problem is I don’t want to be like this. And truth is, if I really asked myself do you really actually care? I realize I don’t. Not going to lie I’m going to fucking hate you and want to deck you and maybe even confront you but I’ll get over it. And that’s what I really like about me. Because at the end of the day you never really meant much to me anyways. You may have got to my feelings and hahah.. that never ends in a good way because I have a huge temper but thats it. You mattered in just a moment in my life and if I wanted to spend that time hating you and treating you like shit I fucking will.
You know what drives me nuts? Not knowing if people are talking about you or not. It’s absolutely drives me crazy and I always think its about me. I overheard them talking and obviously it was a bad situation and they were unhappy about it but all I could see who the person was about was me. Even though I don’t have proof. Even though I don’t know if they are talking bad about me or not. I can’t help it and it drives me crazy haha. And it doesn’t help when I’m just sitting there wondering and wondering if its about me. If I’m going to get fired. Or they don’t want me there anymore. Negative thinking right? I know I know. I can’t help it. It’s where my mind goes. It’s like when it turns correct and I’m like you knew it, told ya. And when its not correct, I just forget about it. Why do I put myself so much in emotional turmoil? I have no idea. I just had to get it off my chest whether its true or not. If I am to blame or not. If I am to ignore it or not. I don’t know but it feels good to just let it go.