Just wanted to say I feel grateful for my friends and the people in my life. Couldn’t pay anything to replace them.
I don’t know if I write when I’m upset or whatever but I definitely know I write when I have strong feelings toward something. At this moment, yeah I’m feeling a little down on myself. I felt like I was doing a great job doing what I was doing. But now that I have more on my plate and a girl to train I’m getting all over the place. It’s stressing me out. I feel like I’m disappointing people. Mumbling over my words and just losing confidence in myself. And honestly at this moment I feel like I’m disappointing myself the most by letting them all together to get to me. I’m trying to get used to not being perfect and it is a challenge I’m not going to lie. I have perfectionist tendencies which is why when I can’t do something to my standard or to someone else’s standard I get upset and … I can’t stop thinking about it. I know it sounds crazy. But that honestly how I am. I’m getting to used to knowing that it is okay to fuck up, to disappoint, to get stressed out when I have more on my plate. That’s normal and its okay. I guess the real challenge was accepting all this disappoinment and judgement. Ha. How funny does that sound like my social life. Caring what other people think about me and being a people pleaser and letting that debilitate meLOL… wow just realized that. Holy shit.. I can’t believe how everything correlates. Anyways.. yes it’s hard. It’s very hard for me to accept disappointment, judgement and I do have a tendecy to assume what they think of me. Omg I still can’t believe that that shit correlates. Fuck. I guess I might as well use these guys to practice. Look I know I’m not the smartest, quickest, most organized person for the job. But I took it to learn. To learn how to deal with egos, power trips, how people work together, to learn things I suck at, to learn how to take people’s shit and detach from it, to learn not to care what the fuck you think of me, to fuck up and learn anyways, to be confident in myself, to be able to depend on me. Sometimes I can’t help but get caught up in my feelings and I see that. I lost focus. What I was doing there was to learn. To learn all that. Not to care about our relationships, how well I get along with you guys, if you fucking like me. But I have tendencies to want to people please, to want you to like me, to care about our relationship and I see that. And that its okay to slip into my tendencies as long as I know I can focus on what I was aiming for to begin with. It’s okay to mess up. To go back on your old ways. As long as you recognize it and are proactive about it. I guess I was so down on myself because I’m used to being really hard on myself. And I’m used to taking all the responsibility even if it isn’t mine or my fault. Old habits die hard that’s for sure. I guess what I’m trying to say today is that there are always going to be good and bad days. But realize that nothing lasts forever. Ya you might have days that you are so stressed out, that you can’t even think. That everything everybody is telling you to do goes through one ear and out the other. That you miss important things and details. That you will get overwhelmed. That youre going to have fucking annoying girls to train that don’t shut the fuck up and do annoying things. That you are going to get yelled at for no reason and sometimes yes even reasons that you caused. That you’ll lose confidence in all that you havebuilt and become. That you’ll feel like quitting. But all you needed to know was to relax and know that this THIS is all okay. And you’ll be okay. And you’ll make it through and if you don’t that’s okay too.
Well I’ve been surviving LOL and honestly I’m pretty fucking proud of myself. I’ve been fucking up my way there and it’s ok. I’ve never felt so free doing something. It honestly feels nice to not be scared, to not wonder what if, and have your confidence back. But you won’t ever see me bragging Infront of these people just cause I like to stay low key and let people underestimate me. I like not having that pressure to be the best to their standards. Because trust me I always give my all whether or not you ask for it. But truth is I’m extremely hard on myself which is why I hate giving people expectations of me. I like having that chance to fuck up and get it. I realized I don’t like to be rigid in rules. I like being able to figure it out even if it is at the expense of you guys. People wonder why I come early and stay late. I do that because I want to learn to finish things off not for the money. Yes initially I took this job because I needed money and wanted more pay but I also chose this job because I refused to give up. I absolutely sucked at this job but I wasn’t willing to give up on me. On what I know I can learn and be. I just want to be the better version of me everyday. I went through hell and cried like a bitch. But I learned a good lesson through it and honestly I’m pretty proud of myself. To do things I was once paralyzed in feels great no matter how much my body and mind resisted before. It feels nice to be able to do something I once thought I couldn’t.