Damnnnnnnn I thought I was over the jealously thing. I guess I’m not or I’m just human haha My friend got into a place I work into now and people really like her. And I’m not going to lie I got jealous as fuck LOL. But I recognized it and yeah I might feel the way I do but I would never get in her way of that. I know where my sense of jealously is coming from because I do too want to be liked by these people. Let’s be real here.. who doesn’t like to be liked? I give you props if you don’t give a single fuck about being liked by ANYBODY. I literally mean ANYBODY and EVERYBODY. That’s real confidence. I think I know where my jealousy stems from. From knowing that I can be very well liked because I’ve done it before and I’m just not trying this time. My counsellor told me to focus on one thing. Because making relationships and maintaining them and doing well in my job duties both equally stress me the fuck out LOL. And it does lead to a mental breakdown. And she asked me what’s most important to me right now. And honestly I said the job duties. I know. I know. Sounds depressing as fuck haha join the team. But I’m doing this so I can improve. That was the whole point to get paid while I learn things I wasn’t good at it because I wanted to. Not making friends at this very moment. I have to keep in mind that what’s for me will always be for me. And what’s for them will always be for them. That theres no need to compete or take. Because what is yours will always be yours. And to be honest I really like being true to me and me only. It feels right. Sometimes I can’t help but want to be friends with everyone and at the same time I also feel like fuck them LOL I don’t know how to explain this properly but its like I feel like I need to be friends with everyone everytime I’m surrounded by people that I’m introduced to, or work with, or school with, or is friends of friends with. In my heart I’ll rather be friends with people I naturally enjoy, click with, just find like I want to know you. I feel like if it has to be forced I don’t want it. It’s just to much effort. And for what? I want a real friend, not a fake one, not an acquaintance. If we gon be fake ones or acquaintances, I’ll rather just not talk to you. But peple always feel weird, awkward, or feel like I just don’t want to talk to them. It’s not the case. Well sometimes if I feel like you just shit talk and complain all day then yes I don’t want to be fucking around you and I’m being very polite by not talking to you or rarely talking to you. I feel like people feel the need to talk to people. To smile at people. To complain. To feel included. And I don’t care for it but I feel obligated to haha. And like why? LOL you aren’t going to be at my wedding, we aren’t going to be good friends, you aren’t someone I really deeply care about. I’m just saying this when I feel a bad vibe from someone, or they say some shit I don’t like or I get a bad gut feeling about you. I don’t know .. I know it takes time to be friends and all. But I don’t know there’s somethi g about meeting people that you instantly click with, mesh with, are completely like, and treat eachother the best that make me believe that there really are people who you are meant to be friends with. And that’s it fine if not everyone love syou. And its fine if you act totally different at work than you do in real life. People have different goals, different targets, different reasons for why they do the things they do. They might not see it now but if you look at it long enough you will definitely notice it. But maybe that’s just me and the way I think. I’ve learned that its okay to feel the way you do and act the way you do as long as you are always aligned with the values that ring true for you. That you’ll make a bunch of mistakes, maybe even be a shit friend, and do bad and horrible things but your values that really ring true to you will always come back. I’ve learned that there’s no need to compete. That what is yours will always be yours. That what’s for them will always be for them. THat if you work on things in the direction that is aligned with your heart you will always get there. And that PATIENCE is a bitch!!! LOL but it’s very helpful especially at the times you don’t think it is

Advertisements