I sometimes have the urge that I feel like I’m missing something out there and I can’t explain it. It feels like I want to go party hard and be reckless as fuck. I feel lately I’ve been so serious and I’ve been letting my pride get in the way. Or letting people “I think” define me. It’s just too much thinking. And I just want to do and feel. That’s just how I feel at the moment. And I think its important to acknowledge every feeling you get. Not just those but the anxious ones as well. I don’t think I have anxiety but I do have to say somethings really bring me alot of anxiety. And if that’s called anxiety than I’m fine with that. But I feel like I got to do some things about it. I don’t care if shit is normal anymore or what it is. I just want to do the best I can with what I got .. and have fun with it. Not be so serious. Because truth be told that isn’t me. And having to fake it and be so serious is driving me a little mad to be honest LOL. Sometimes.. when you do things for too long even if you are faking it… it becomes you. But only you can tell that difference because people among you only see you for you are at the moment. But on my way to learning to be imperfect
I don’t know if I’m being over-sensitive or just thinking too much about things that shouldn’t even matter. But when I start over thinking I get all sensitive to people. Even if they don’t say anything. It’s like I just feel and know what someone is saying or thinking or feeling about me. Yes intuition sucks as much as it is a good thing. I don’t know I’m just feeling overly sensitive lately and yes I am fabricating things in my mind of what I think people are feeling saying and thinking about me. I can’t help it. I’ve done that for a long time. I don ‘t feel bad that I do this and I don’t blame myself for it. I did it for so long that it is natural to me. And changes in the way I do things take time. But I’ve just been feeling I’ve been assuming and which I have. Because I don ‘t know if its true because there is no evidence. But that one moment that it does become true I know I’ll be so hurt and just feel like yeah I knew it all along. And you know what? That’s my fucked up mentality LOL.. the thing is my assumptions right now may not even been real but I’m going to lead it to happen or basically wait for the moment that someone says something to make my negative thought right. And that is fucked up that I do that. It’s silly for me to take so long to realize that. And maybe being introspective too much is as much as a bad thing as it is a good thing. You gotta know when to stop. Let go. And remind yourself of who you really are. Not this stupid shit and getting caught up in feelings that are make believe. Yes I do think my feelings are very important and I realize that. That to not ignore them or hide them. But to just feel it doesn’t mean I have to act on it. But allow myself to feel it. And for all the feelings I get caught up on, I’ll let it happen and keep on letting it happen til I decide I’m ready to let go and if I will. I realize that’s the best way for me to handle me. And for all those times I want to be a bitch to someone or ignore someone or just not talking to them or caring and just thinking too much about it. I dont know when I’ll let go of that feeling but I’m not forcing it. Yeah I go back and forth about what I want and sometimes when what I came there for gets confused I let my sensitive self feel like other issues are just as important. And its not. I didn’t even try in the beginning so I can’t even be mad at myself for that. My c was right.. focus on one thing at a time. Don’t go crazy trying to handle multiple things that are well difficult or new for you.. even if that includes starting over and over again. Don’t sweat the small stuff and the small minded. Don’t get yourself confused with other people who are meant to be passing by and well just aren’t thinking the way you are. I am human at the end of the day and there are moments that I’m vulnerable and want to compare myself to my peers. I can tell you its quite hard to want to only stick on your path and feel no need to compare. But I’m still learning and that’s okay. And maybe I’ll keep learning forever. But I can’t compare myself to my peers and assume that they are perfect because all I see are their good sides and wondering why I’m not the same. That’s going to take some time. And if whatever it is true, so be it. I have people in my life that truly care for me and all my bad and good sides so who is that person to me? Nothing. I think just in future references.. I don’t have to act on my anger but if it really does reach a breaking point and I must mean a real breaking point I’ll say something. Because yes I do realize I can be very sensitive and that’s not a flaw. I’ll work with what god gave me.
Okay maybe i’m not over it like I thought I was. I still feel the scenario popping in and out of my head. When I try to nap thats when it pops up the most. I still feel it coming up and that’s okay. For me for things that piss me off that is out of my control I playback the scenario over and over again. It’s automatic but what I did before f was just pushing through it that its nothing and not acknowledging it but instead ignoring it haha. And let me tell you that is the worst way for me. To ignore, to not acknowledge it because I will obsess over it. So here I am writing again everytime she pisses me off and the scenario just pops into my head. Sometimes I can’t help but think about these things alot and I know its from habits. Which is why its so hard to implement my change but I’m not giving up. Yeah the feeling and the thought and the replay is definitely uncomfortable but I realize what works best for me is to see it, feel it, acknowledge it, and let myself be okay with it. And TO RELAX LOL. And forgive myself. Fuck who knew relaxing was so fucking hard haha especially when your amped up in negative thoughts sometimes.
I just got over getting bitched at by one of my higher ups.. lol. Not going to lie first feeling I had was pure rage that my face turned red. And that’s all I could see and couldn’t hear a single thing this bitch said to me. I came back to write and release my feelings but I don’t know right now I just feel over it. That’s her life and that’s the way she’s going to live it. Bitter. Unhappy. And well I’m glad I don’t have to live in LOL. Is this the way its suppose to be? To get reamed by asking questions? And not understanding to begin with? Look I know I’m young and I can be very stupid at times but there is no way in hell I’m going to let her yelling at me and disrespecting me for me to accept it’s my fault. Because its not. It’s not my fault for how someone chooses to act. That’s uncontrollable and that is absolute insanity to think I can change that. I use to blame myself that me getting bitched at by my higher ups was always my fault. And the way they treated me was my fault. But its not. And I’ve finally realize that and undrestand that. Of course I still want to learn. And I did learn something from that even though I got reamed. I’ve come to realize that there is going to be a bunch of assholes I’m going to have to take. And that’s part of the learning process. Not everyone is an angel. Maybe that’s why I’m over it. Over being mad. I feel like I should be bitching about her in anger and in rage right now like I usually do and say shitty things about her to make me feel better but all it feels like is just effort. And I’m not interested in wasting my effort on her. I don’t know but this feeling is started to scare me LOL. I don’t know if its the fact that I see it in another perspective. That her has never been about me. And to be honest all I want to do is learn even if you are bitching at me. I’ll make sense of it. Do better. But not for you. For me. And that I will always be willing to do. And do I feel like I need to get revenge? Not going to lie I did really really want to deck you and imagined scenarios of you getting killed in numerous ways LOL.. But I know what I deserve I will always get. And what you deserve you will always get. I’m just going to let karma do its job. Your life is not the life I have to live.
I realize there is one thing you can’t avoid. And that is complaining. I’m not going to lie I’ve been at fault of it as well. And yes if you read my past blogs all it seems like I do is complain haha. But I write when I need to get my feelings out to throw away. Lately.. I’ve just been noticing alot alot alot of complaining where I work. Don’t get me wrong I get why people complain because they truly do have a reason and a complaint for what is unfair to them. I agree with that. But what I don’t agree with is people complaining over and over and over and over and over and over again about the same fucking shit. Isn’t doing the same thing over and over again insanity? I know that life can be unfair at times. And yes you may get mistreated or disrespected or snobbed out along the way. But let’s be honest. Let’s be true. And just say it. I understand where the difficulty comes from when you are in a work environment. The risks, the fear. I see that all. But from an outside perspective what you guys need is cut the bullshit and just say how you feel to eacother while having a strong fair minded person ultimately making the decisions. One person that makes everyone feel important and understood. And working to a purpose. Instead of everyone chiming in and trying to figuring things out and realizing it doesn’t work and everyone doing their own thing and complaining on and on about what’s wrong. I know I’m only going to be here for a while only but is this really an environment people work in? Full of negativity and complaining. Not only that but joining forces to complain about the same shit just to laugh about it? Hey I’m all good with the jokes and they are funny but let’s get to the real point here. Everyones frustrated and I think its time they need a leader. My point of this post is to remind myself to never become bitter like them. If I do, someone please slap me haha. I just think its such a terrible way to live. I don’t want to friends with someone on basis of complaining about the same shit. I want to be friends with you because I genuinely care about you and want to get to know you. Not all this negative bs. The more I work in places that have higher rankings, I notice the power struggles alot more often. People being demeaned, treated unfairly, overworked and haha underpaid. But I’m here to learn and learn as much as possible no matter what I have to deal with along the way. That at the moment is my main focus. But I do hope that one day people in such situations could work in a happy productive environment because I find it sad to believe that many actually do work in negative environments like this. You may just work to make money but I at least think you should enjoy it. You’re going to be there for a while. And if you aren’t enjoying it maybe its time to look at another place or another direction. And if you are one of those bitter people that have other problems that take it out on other people, I wish you the best to figure out solutions for yourself that make you happy. Because what’s most important is what makes you happy at first and then there will be a ripple effect.
It’s funny to me I grew up idolizing people, things, scenarios, and what “seemed perfect” to realize that what I needed was to learn how to be imperfect this whole time. To be okay with all my mistakes, to mess up in all ways all day, to not always having the ideal scenarios. I guess I finally came to terms that its okay to be where I am. To be in situations that I am in. To be in scenarios that I am in. One of them is my situation. I was always jealous about how some people I knew were bestfriends. And how they understood eachother and had eachother’s back and just got to know eachother so well. I was envious of that. I wanted that for myself too but I just realized there is too much that has happened between our relationship. And that we just butt heads all the time and can’t even have a normal conversation with eachother without yelling at eachother. I’ve come to terms with that, that it is okay that we will never have that type of relationship. I used to be embarassed and thought people would judge me for not having that type of relationship. That we were mean to eachother. That we didn’t talk on a daily basis and if it was it was just to eat. But I realized that not everyone is going to be in a perfect scenario. And that’s okay. I’ll work with what I got. And I can still dream and have that on my own. That it is not dependent. It’s funny how my counsellor thought it was such a big deal in the situation that I was in. And I just laughed because I didn’t think it was serious. But maybe I am in that type of situation and it isn’t bad to learn and read about it. I don’t think I will ever feel like I could abandon that. Or say I don’t care. As much as I can seem like I don’t, I do. I wish sometimes I didn’t feel obligated or feel like my heart strings are pulled but I do. And at the end of the day I have to do what feels right for me, not what someone says is the right thing to do.
Damnnnnnnn I thought I was over the jealously thing. I guess I’m not or I’m just human haha My friend got into a place I work into now and people really like her. And I’m not going to lie I got jealous as fuck LOL. But I recognized it and yeah I might feel the way I do but I would never get in her way of that. I know where my sense of jealously is coming from because I do too want to be liked by these people. Let’s be real here.. who doesn’t like to be liked? I give you props if you don’t give a single fuck about being liked by ANYBODY. I literally mean ANYBODY and EVERYBODY. That’s real confidence. I think I know where my jealousy stems from. From knowing that I can be very well liked because I’ve done it before and I’m just not trying this time. My counsellor told me to focus on one thing. Because making relationships and maintaining them and doing well in my job duties both equally stress me the fuck out LOL. And it does lead to a mental breakdown. And she asked me what’s most important to me right now. And honestly I said the job duties. I know. I know. Sounds depressing as fuck haha join the team. But I’m doing this so I can improve. That was the whole point to get paid while I learn things I wasn’t good at it because I wanted to. Not making friends at this very moment. I have to keep in mind that what’s for me will always be for me. And what’s for them will always be for them. That theres no need to compete or take. Because what is yours will always be yours. And to be honest I really like being true to me and me only. It feels right. Sometimes I can’t help but want to be friends with everyone and at the same time I also feel like fuck them LOL I don’t know how to explain this properly but its like I feel like I need to be friends with everyone everytime I’m surrounded by people that I’m introduced to, or work with, or school with, or is friends of friends with. In my heart I’ll rather be friends with people I naturally enjoy, click with, just find like I want to know you. I feel like if it has to be forced I don’t want it. It’s just to much effort. And for what? I want a real friend, not a fake one, not an acquaintance. If we gon be fake ones or acquaintances, I’ll rather just not talk to you. But peple always feel weird, awkward, or feel like I just don’t want to talk to them. It’s not the case. Well sometimes if I feel like you just shit talk and complain all day then yes I don’t want to be fucking around you and I’m being very polite by not talking to you or rarely talking to you. I feel like people feel the need to talk to people. To smile at people. To complain. To feel included. And I don’t care for it but I feel obligated to haha. And like why? LOL you aren’t going to be at my wedding, we aren’t going to be good friends, you aren’t someone I really deeply care about. I’m just saying this when I feel a bad vibe from someone, or they say some shit I don’t like or I get a bad gut feeling about you. I don’t know .. I know it takes time to be friends and all. But I don’t know there’s somethi g about meeting people that you instantly click with, mesh with, are completely like, and treat eachother the best that make me believe that there really are people who you are meant to be friends with. And that’s it fine if not everyone love syou. And its fine if you act totally different at work than you do in real life. People have different goals, different targets, different reasons for why they do the things they do. They might not see it now but if you look at it long enough you will definitely notice it. But maybe that’s just me and the way I think. I’ve learned that its okay to feel the way you do and act the way you do as long as you are always aligned with the values that ring true for you. That you’ll make a bunch of mistakes, maybe even be a shit friend, and do bad and horrible things but your values that really ring true to you will always come back. I’ve learned that there’s no need to compete. That what is yours will always be yours. That what’s for them will always be for them. THat if you work on things in the direction that is aligned with your heart you will always get there. And that PATIENCE is a bitch!!! LOL but it’s very helpful especially at the times you don’t think it is
Lately and to be honest for a while I’m just not interested in partying and doing what everyone else is doing. But I can’t help it sometimes. I get fomo. When my friends are telling me what they are doing and asking what I’m doing. And asking me to go out. I don’t know. I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out. BUT I only feel that way when they’re constantly asking me what I’m doing. I feel like everyone secretly is thinking who’s better. That whoever is busy is better than the person who is doing nothing. And to be honest I used to think that way and I’m still guilty of that at times. That people think they are better than other people when they have things to do and the other people don’t. I’m learning to not give af. And its taking some time to adjust. To be honest I don’t want to be wasting my days drinking them away or doing things to not be bored and pass the time. I know they are REALLY fun to do. But I don’t like to that and come back being directionless, lost, not know what I’m passionate about, give only a shit about my reputation, trying to one-up someone else. I hate that game of catch-up. And honestly it might just be me thinking this way. I don’t know. I just want to be in the direction of spending quality time with people I adore and get to know, talking and following my passions, doing things I’m proud of. That’s what I want my life to mostly be like. I don’t mind fucking around and messing around. But if I have nothing to come back to?.. I don’t get why I just want to party away my life because I’m bored and want exciting things to do. I think its really fun but it left me empty. And I feel like my friends around me don’t understand that and that’s okay. And people around me don’t understand that and that’s okay. We think differently and we want different things and to be honest they might not even know what they want. So sometimes when I get into my fomo mode I have to keep in mind we don’t all think alike, some people don’t know what they are looking for, and that an image that looks fun on the outside doesn’t necessarily mean fulfilling. You’re living proof of that. There’s no need to feel the need to catch up. The only person you should be playing catch-up is with yourself day to day.