At this moment I’m at a weird feeling. Not super motivated but not super lazy either haha. Wanna plan but don’t want to plan. Want to create my life and find solutions on the way but not motivated. I never thought I would be so into books. It is absolutely absurd to me that I look at them for guidance now. It really does have all the answers I’ve been looking for because these books I read are from some one’s experiences, knowledge, whatever shit they had to go through, and not only that but knowing their most vulnerable fears, thoughts, and feelings. And these people have truly gone through it because shit happens when you get older. I’ve always second guessed why or why I shouldn’t do something. Not having the confidence to just follow through on my own opinion and trust it. And when I read these books that come from these peoples real life experiences made me want to slap myself LOL.. Because they had the same feeling, very very similar experience if not the exact experience but instead they followed through even if there was no proof or someone telling them that was right and I look at where they are now. I’ve always hesitated, needed proof I was doing the right thing, questioned if I could just trust my own opinion when all along I was right but I never took the chance to fuck up because I was scared or didn’t trust myself enough or didn’t have enough confidence to just do it or was convinced by other’s peoples experiences. But now that I know better, I’ll be better. I honestly think the solution to any fear, any anxiety, anything high pressure, any unsettling feeling is to JUST RELAX, let yourself fuck up no matter how hard you are pushing against it, don’t think, trust yourself you’ll figure it out, and if you are having anything physically debilitating or you think is embarassing.. LET IT HAPPEN. Who fucking cares. Allow yourself to fuck up. Trust me on this when you really let yourself fuck up .. noone will even notice even if you started nervous. And be optimistic no matter how many times you fall down. Just build yourself up again. You’ll be okay. I think my biggest downfall was that I wanted to be perfect when perfect is impossible. There really is no such thing as perfect as much as someone looks like they have it all together. They don’t. You  just see the things you want but you don’t see the whole package what’s really going on. I realized I was striving for something impossible ALWAYS. I grew up having to be perfect and how to be perfect. When the answer was always to fuck up your way there. To whatever you want. In anything. That is the best way to learn and do things. I GUARANTEE YOU. It may seem stupid but it really isn’t. You’re actually being really smart about it because when you fuck up in all things all ways you learn things you wouldn’t learn if you were doing it correctly, you appreciate what’s good, and you also increase your emotional stability and understanding, you built trust in yourself. You make a better foundation.

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