You know sometimes I really like looking back on my life. On everything. On looking how far I’ve come. And the bad and the setbacks? I’ve finally put that behind me. I feel like you know if I can lose one of my closest and best friends and be ok with that and lived through it I can make it through anything. And if I use to have the most anxiety on situations on things I thought I could never overcome and overcome them finally? Then I can do anything. If I can lose my pride and be completely butthurt and embarrassed and still live? Then I got this. Honestly for once I can say that I am honestly truly proud of myself. For all the emotional ups and downs, infuriating, frustrating moments, embarrassing, shameful moments. I have to say I’m fucking proud of myself. You know I’m not mad at all that I pushed myself so hard to a mental breakdown. Because if I didn’t how would I know what to do when something even more high pressure and important affect me? How would I handle it then? I honestly am happy that it did happen to me early. I need all the experience I can get. As hard as it was to go through it. It’s true it is always hardest when you are going through the storm. That’s when you can’t see anything but what’s infront you. I realized that for me, that I can try and be perfect, but that was my downfall. To stress about every little detail.. to care how I looked to everyone.. to care how stupid I would look to others.. to be perfect in every way was my downfall. I found myself obsessing over every little thing. Doing things bigger and better. And every mistake I made as unimportant or small it was I took it as such a HUGE deal. That I worked myself sick and mentally broken down. I thought I could power through. But that’s not healthy. That you need to relax to be calm, collected, to think clearly, quickly, confident, assertive, clear. Everything I wanted when I was the complete opposite. When I saw that and did that .. I realized I had the answer all along. To fucking relax. To not stress about the little things. And that’s when I got all the qualities I wanted to begin with. It was hard for me to do at the moment because I felt like I was in an emergency CONSTANTLY. That I was going to get fired if I didn’t get my shit together. The fear. The anxiety. The huge amount of stress. I found myself constantly thinking about it — day and night. It was hard to just relax because I truly felt like it wasn’t helpful but now that I’ve experienced it and know better I will be better. Sometimes you have to go through things to really realize what’s true.. not just by hearing someone’s word. Sometimes you gotta see it for yourself and believe it for yourself. To relax and let it go.. it will all fall into place.

Advertisements