At this moment I’m at a weird feeling. Not super motivated but not super lazy either haha. Wanna plan but don’t want to plan. Want to create my life and find solutions on the way but not motivated. I never thought I would be so into books. It is absolutely absurd to me that I look at them for guidance now. It really does have all the answers I’ve been looking for because these books I read are from some one’s experiences, knowledge, whatever shit they had to go through, and not only that but knowing their most vulnerable fears, thoughts, and feelings. And these people have truly gone through it because shit happens when you get older. I’ve always second guessed why or why I shouldn’t do something. Not having the confidence to just follow through on my own opinion and trust it. And when I read these books that come from these peoples real life experiences made me want to slap myself LOL.. Because they had the same feeling, very very similar experience if not the exact experience but instead they followed through even if there was no proof or someone telling them that was right and I look at where they are now. I’ve always hesitated, needed proof I was doing the right thing, questioned if I could just trust my own opinion when all along I was right but I never took the chance to fuck up because I was scared or didn’t trust myself enough or didn’t have enough confidence to just do it or was convinced by other’s peoples experiences. But now that I know better, I’ll be better. I honestly think the solution to any fear, any anxiety, anything high pressure, any unsettling feeling is to JUST RELAX, let yourself fuck up no matter how hard you are pushing against it, don’t think, trust yourself you’ll figure it out, and if you are having anything physically debilitating or you think is embarassing.. LET IT HAPPEN. Who fucking cares. Allow yourself to fuck up. Trust me on this when you really let yourself fuck up .. noone will even notice even if you started nervous. And be optimistic no matter how many times you fall down. Just build yourself up again. You’ll be okay. I think my biggest downfall was that I wanted to be perfect when perfect is impossible. There really is no such thing as perfect as much as someone looks like they have it all together. They don’t. You just see the things you want but you don’t see the whole package what’s really going on. I realized I was striving for something impossible ALWAYS. I grew up having to be perfect and how to be perfect. When the answer was always to fuck up your way there. To whatever you want. In anything. That is the best way to learn and do things. I GUARANTEE YOU. It may seem stupid but it really isn’t. You’re actually being really smart about it because when you fuck up in all things all ways you learn things you wouldn’t learn if you were doing it correctly, you appreciate what’s good, and you also increase your emotional stability and understanding, you built trust in yourself. You make a better foundation.
I take a lot of responsibility for people in my lives. Their problems become mines. I guess it never occurred to me that it was a bad thing or that I did do that. I have a counselor I talk to things to because I do need an outlet to express how I truly feel and that includes being extremely vulnerable and not having guilt expressing how I feel. I would talk to her about other things that were really my main focus on things I want to do. But it was always those random times we talk when I don’t have anything in particular set up in my mind to say but the things that naturally happen that seemed like small issues were what she was concerned about the most. Which was basically my role in my family. I guess I didn’t really notice how much of myself I was giving to them. Not that it is a bad thing. But she was right. That their problems become mine even if it isn’t my responsibility but because it was easier to put all their problems on to me to figure out. I didn’t realize that. To be honest I thought I was just doing what I was supposed to do as a daughter. But she basically laughed at me and said no. You need boundaries. Something that I never instilled in my life. Even when I did before I felt guilty and just did it anyway no matter how much it stressed me out. And it wasn’t even my problem to begin with!! Sounds fucked up. When I look at the big picture I see it. But what my parents don’t understand is they think its easier for me to do all those things but you knew what to do before. Why should I do this for you because you think its easier for me to do? When really.. I have to learn and do all those things just as hard as you had to. Just because I speak english doesn’t make that substantially easier. You guys knew how to do those things before. If you really wanted to get it done you would. Just like how I have to figure out my life and do things I really want to get done, done. If there’s a will there’s a way. In the back my mind, yes I do still feel a little guilty that I’m being selfish. But my counselor is right. I’m not being selfish at all. I’m taking all that stress to make your guys life easier. I’m put so much responsibility on myself to make your guys life easier. And meanwhile I’ve been shitting on myself. Because who was there for me when all this shit was going down? None of you guys. Not even emotionally. Not once have you asked me how I was doing. You guys just placed it on me and I took over and did my best. But meanwhile I did that I lost myself giving myself to you guys. When that shouldn’t have been placed on a young child. My counselor was right I’m not being selfish by putting boundaries. And I’m taking time getting used to it and not feeling bad about it because guilt tripping was what my parents taught me. It’s brand new to me. Don’t get me wrong I’m not mad at my parents for what has happened. Its build me to who I am today. But now that I know better, I can be better. As much as hearing anything related to responsibility they want to place on me will bring a sense of an unsettling feeling, I can move past it and be okay with it because I trust the process and I trust me.
I was just thinking about my life and getting on track again. But then my grandma throws a bomb at me. And says she wants to go to a retirement home. I love my grandma alot. Like alot alot haha. But I wasn’t expecting her telling me for me to have the feelings I feel. I just feel like crying. Even though she’s not even moving far. It really isn’t far at all. Probably at most a ten-minute drive. Maybe I’m just being over dramatic. And I’m literally crying in the corner because I don’t want them to see me cry LOL.. I just don’t want to guilt trip her to staying. If that’s what makes her happy. Then she can do that. I don’t want to control that. If that’s what she wants she can have that. As much as it pains me because I’m an overly attached grand daughter.
You know sometimes I really like looking back on my life. On everything. On looking how far I’ve come. And the bad and the setbacks? I’ve finally put that behind me. I feel like you know if I can lose one of my closest and best friends and be ok with that and lived through it I can make it through anything. And if I use to have the most anxiety on situations on things I thought I could never overcome and overcome them finally? Then I can do anything. If I can lose my pride and be completely butthurt and embarrassed and still live? Then I got this. Honestly for once I can say that I am honestly truly proud of myself. For all the emotional ups and downs, infuriating, frustrating moments, embarrassing, shameful moments. I have to say I’m fucking proud of myself. You know I’m not mad at all that I pushed myself so hard to a mental breakdown. Because if I didn’t how would I know what to do when something even more high pressure and important affect me? How would I handle it then? I honestly am happy that it did happen to me early. I need all the experience I can get. As hard as it was to go through it. It’s true it is always hardest when you are going through the storm. That’s when you can’t see anything but what’s infront you. I realized that for me, that I can try and be perfect, but that was my downfall. To stress about every little detail.. to care how I looked to everyone.. to care how stupid I would look to others.. to be perfect in every way was my downfall. I found myself obsessing over every little thing. Doing things bigger and better. And every mistake I made as unimportant or small it was I took it as such a HUGE deal. That I worked myself sick and mentally broken down. I thought I could power through. But that’s not healthy. That you need to relax to be calm, collected, to think clearly, quickly, confident, assertive, clear. Everything I wanted when I was the complete opposite. When I saw that and did that .. I realized I had the answer all along. To fucking relax. To not stress about the little things. And that’s when I got all the qualities I wanted to begin with. It was hard for me to do at the moment because I felt like I was in an emergency CONSTANTLY. That I was going to get fired if I didn’t get my shit together. The fear. The anxiety. The huge amount of stress. I found myself constantly thinking about it — day and night. It was hard to just relax because I truly felt like it wasn’t helpful but now that I’ve experienced it and know better I will be better. Sometimes you have to go through things to really realize what’s true.. not just by hearing someone’s word. Sometimes you gotta see it for yourself and believe it for yourself. To relax and let it go.. it will all fall into place.
I’m going to write for a half an hour everyday. Just journaling my life and what I did for the day. I think I deny the things I don’t like about myself in hopes of it changing. For instance, my anxiety. I was never willing to admit to it. But I see it now. And I’m willing to accept it for what it is and figure out how we can move through it together. I’m doing alot alot of soul-searching. It makes me wonder and thiknk about alot of things. Wondering about how I can possibly be none of my thoughts and feelings. Is it all a lie. And if it is why can’t I push through it? Type of thing. I don’t know. I just want to live my life the way I want to. To be great. With no regrets. I want to be strong enough to handle my life no matter what is thrown at me. I want to be very confident in every decision and move I make that anyone could feel it. But I don’t want to “want” anymore I want to be. And it’s alot harder than I thought it would be to get there.