You know I was going to write something about how I feel. But fuck it. It’s cause I’m overthinking and I’m going to try again.
There’s so much info nowadays I get myself confused. How do you know what to follow? Now I get why the answer is always trust yourself, you know the answer. Because it’s true noone knows your answer but you. Which is also the most annoying part because sometimes I just want someone to give me the fucking answer LOL. It’s tiring and draining to think about a question that you don’t really know has an answer or not. I’ve been reading a lot and the people who seem to have found success. Not just materialistically and financially but everything to including relationships, connections, and just life in general. Is that they just “knew” and followed their gut. Because there really is no other answer. I finally get what they mean when they say your thoughts become who you are. Noone tells you that you aren’t your thoughts or feelings that automatically come up and happen. You are the thoughts and feelings you choose that you want whether that is intentional or unintentional. It’s sounds crazy right? Like I still can’t believe that. I’ve always thought that I was who I was and I couldn’t change that. That the thoughts and feelings that automatically come up are me. But they aren’t. We’ve been conditioned as kids to act a certain way and adopted people around us attitude, actions, reactions, feelings. We all learned it through something some how. That’s how everyone learns. Whether it was intentional or not. And that critical voice is in everyone for a reason. It was there for survival back then. If we all always had balls to do everything back then in the wilderness we would probably wouldn’t exist. Omg LOL.. when did I get so nerdy haha. Anyways putting pieces to the puzzles makes me think alot. That we really do have that much power. To choose who we want to be really. To choose the thoughts we want. To choose the feelings we choose to want and acknowledge and ignore the unwanted ones effectively. It really is all in your mind. And to be honest.. I’m a little upset that I finally realized that now. I heard about this before and read about it but until you really truly understand what it means is when it makes you want to make a difference and change. So follow the thoughts you want and the feelings you want and the actions you want no matter how much you try and want to stop yourself if it’s something you really want. Because that is just a thought or feeling and it’s not you and never been you.
I think the fact that I’m doing what other people aren’t doing makes them not understand what I’m doing. I feel like everyone has a perceived notion of what and how things should be. Or what’s fun or what’s great or what’s bad or what’s good. I think it truly depends on the person but people tend to follow what other people are doing. I think my friends don’t understand what I’m doing now. Maybe I’m doing wrong thing maybe I’m doing the right thing. I’ll never know and they’ll never know. I just have to do what feels right for me or whatever I trust to do. I don’t want to follow other people. I don’t want to become the same opinions as other people. I don’t want to do what’s expected of me. I don’t want to think like everybody else. I don’t want to be blinded by other people’s opinions that I can even make my own opinion. Hey I know I could possibility be taking the wrong direction but I don’t care. I realize that everything and everyone has their own path and they constantly more than a daily basis about decision. But they all take you to different paths. And neither path is wrong. To be honest.. I really do enjoy taking the time to know myself, find myself, become the person I am, nourishing my brain with knowledge and different perspectives. People might not get what I’m doing. But I can truly say one thing. I really don’t give a fuck about their opinions really. I felt no feeling towards the things they say because I realize they just don’t understand. You can’t fight with someone who doesn’t understand and that’s okay. I just want to be the best version of me, provide value, and listen to my heart.
I was talking to my counselor today and to be honest I had no more questions to ask her anymore. I felt like every question I asked I really knew the answer she was going to give and if I did I ask it was the same answer. Maybe that’s the point to be able to be clear enough to really answer your questions readily. I’ve decided to really move on. I’ve started planning again although it excites me and scares the shit out of me at the same time. Can I do it? Will I fail again? Can I push through? Will I make it? Do I have enough confidence going against people and going my own way? I have a million questions. But I’ll drive myself crazy just assuming and thinking about the future. It’s no use. Just take feedback from previous experiences especially from the ones I failed. It’s a learning experience after all. You know I knew finding what I wanted to do and do it all with balance was going to be hard. But I never assumed it be this hard or time consuming. There was a lot of factors I didn’t include in the first round but its time to re-adjust my plan. And for all the motions I appreciate the, and even though sometimes I may not see it I do appreciate the lesson learned. And to be honest, I needed those rough times to give me clarity.
I’ve been getting weekly counselling sessions and I think it’s helping and the books I’m diving into. There was a book she told me to read last week and I’m already 3/4 done. It’s giving me a lot of perspective and it feels like she knows exactly what I’m going through and it definitely helps with a Counsellor who truly understands you and your intentions. I’m working on all parts of me. It’s become more of a delicate juggling act that’s probably never going to be perfect and that’s okay because I’ll handle it anyways. I had no idea I could get so sad and anxious and nervous so quick and be up the next moment. But I feel different today. I can’t explain it really. It just feels like I’m good again. For real this time. Like I can think clearly again and confident in it. I’m planning again and I realized that I’m always going to be adjusting my plans. Always. And that’s okay. I’m probably going to hit the emotional train again when shit hits the fan and that’s okay. I’m ready for it — the good and the bad.