I can’t help but be me. All sides of me. The negative and the positive. If something is on my mind and I think it’s really important or its bothering me its going to show up on my face. I’ve always been told I’m not a great liar and everything shows up on my face. You’ll know exactly how I’m feeling. I’m just tired of it. Of having the need to explain myself to people when I’m not in the mood. Of faking I’m happy or have my shit together when I don’t. I’m tired of it. I realize that I did it because I didn’t want hear people reaffirming how I’m feeling. It’s like you’re bursting into tears and someone asks you are you okay? Really? Obviously I am not fucking ok lol. So I’ve been writing lately that I’m just confused and thinking about my next step. And it is a big move to me. But I’ve been thinking about in the morning and one of my coworkers asks me if I’m okay that I’m not as bubbly as I usually am. LOL was the first thing that popped in my head. Because you know why? I haven’t been trying to act bubbly or trying to socialize or trying to be friends after the whole thing with me quitting my other job. I thought it was funny that the next day she would think that I wasn’t as bubbly as I was yesterday. But then her words stung a little bit not as bad as it used to it because I knew I wasn’t even trying to be friends or to socialize or to get to know them. I just didn’t care because I have my own things going on. It just seemed stupid for me to even care about their feelings when I would be ignoring my own feelings and problems. I should be putting myself first not them. So ya this whole quitting made yes I admit a little depressed and more antisocial. Because I am lost. And I shouldn’t be having to care about how my coworkers feel about me when I have no idea wtf I want to do with my life. I’m looking at the bigger picture what I want to do is more important than how my coworkers look at me right now. I’ve never been good at multitasking and I accept it. It is frustrating at times. When its making friends, I’m focused on making friends. When its my job, its my job only. I can’t fucking multitask LOL.. I just can’t. Well I can if I don’t care about one or the other then I can multitask because none of those things matter. Then that makes me question, maybe I’m putting a little too much pressure being perfect. Fucking writing makes me think too much.

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