I don’t know if it was an epiphany or something. But it was so simple. It popped into my head so randomly. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was ignoring all my shitty traits and glorifying all my good ones. Trying to be perfect, and constantly thinking about how to perfect, and ultimately failed. But that wasn’t who I wanted to be to begin with. I don’t want to be perfect. I was trying to be a better version of myself. But through everything I lost myself. I want to be me, all sides of me, but with extra bonuses. I want those things to be additions to me. Through trying to become who I wanted to be so bad. I got lost because I ignored and tried to numb parts of me to become like people I idolized. And worked frustratingly hard to push through my flaws. But I realized that, that isn’t the way to get there. You’ll be a nutcase. Trust me, been there done that. Honestly at this very moment, I do feel very vulnerable, but I also feel the strength to only want to be me. I question at times when I feel the most vulnerable, what happened to that girl who never gave a fuck about what other people say or if they liked me or not? I’m still that girl. I just want to be me. And become all parts of me. And have whatever extra skills/traits I want to have but never ignoring who I am, the bad and the good.
Hm.. I wonder sometimes if I’m just making life just too difficult. Caring, feeling, thinking, being is a fucking alot of effort. Especially if the process to becoming what you want to be is not very comfortable. To be honest, its very uncomfortable. I wonder. I just want to simplify it and make things work.