You know I don’t think I’ll ever be just ready. I don’t think there’s such a thing. You can prepare all you want but are you really prepared until you do it? Experience is a whole different game, then just practicing outside out of it. Alot has been on my mind lately. Not going to lie. Failure, possibilities, no possibilities, almost depressed again, just.. confused and lost. But I’m ready to pick myself back up again. Yeah I may still feel insecure, weak, feeling like I want to give up but I realize I have to focus on the little wins and consistency is key. You can ride hard but it only lasts for so long. It’s consistency thats going to win you in the end. No matter how much you want that instant gratification. At the end of the day I am still proud of myself. How many people can say they do shit that they fucking suck at it and they know it and they still had the balls to look like a fool doing it. I’ve done it before and looked like a fool and I did twice and three times looking like a fool doing it still. Ha. Sometimes I wonder why I put so much pressure on myself. Even things that are small and minuscule to someone else is hard for me. Maybe people just don’t admit to it. But I’m willing to. But I don’t want to live in my comfort zone. And I guess I’ll rather try and look like a dman fool then to say I never did it. No matter how much heart ache, stress, tears, blood, sweat equity I’ve given it and negativity and not only that dealing with people who think you are incompetent. People who are competent in things don’t know what its like to be incompetent in those things LOL.. I’m letting you know right now something that maybe easy for you can be hard for someone else. Really hard. So they don’t understand the struggle. The feelings. The emotions. The obsession of being correct and accurate. The negative self-talk. The people that think they’re incompetent they have to deal with. The pressure and stress to get it done. The trying getting their approval and not being appreciated. I didn’t count the negative things that were going to happen when I planned my “plans.” But maybe this is a sign? That I need to look at it again or take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I realized that being motivated is easy when you isolate yourself. I realized that its a lot harder when you have people and distractions in your life. It takes you out of focus of what’s most important to you. Of what you were doing. But that’s life. Life is imperfect. You just have to have your boundaries set in place. For real though. I realized how it easy it is to lose consistency and all your hard work when you don’t have it set in place or schedule it. I know my issues but I choose to not focus on them. Yeah shit may come up. But I realized experience is key. And doing it over and over again with better solutions. Like they say you never know unless.. unless what? unless you do it yourself. Nothing changes you like pain and love does. I also realized  how easy it is for negative self talk to control you when you are down, even just a teeny weeny bit. Well for me at least. I have to be careful with my words and thoughts. I realize I can be my worst enemy but I am also my best motivator. Life’s a mindfuck eh? LOL how did I end up like this. Sometimes I feel like I have this internal battle with myself. One side is telling me to get your shit together  and do it the proper way while my other side is like fuck it do what you want like you know how to no matter even if you are wrong, trust yourself fuck them. It’s a hard battle for me at times. I hate being told what to do but I need to be told what to do. I need to figure out a way to use my attitudes together in a helpful way.

Advertisements