I’m applying steps I learned in a book and I’m proud. Proud of myself to keep trying. Proud of myself for keep going. No matter what. Because if I truly feel if there is no such thing as failure and only feedback I am willing to keep going and learning and correcting.
I can’t help but be me. All sides of me. The negative and the positive. If something is on my mind and I think it’s really important or its bothering me its going to show up on my face. I’ve always been told I’m not a great liar and everything shows up on my face. You’ll know exactly how I’m feeling. I’m just tired of it. Of having the need to explain myself to people when I’m not in the mood. Of faking I’m happy or have my shit together when I don’t. I’m tired of it. I realize that I did it because I didn’t want hear people reaffirming how I’m feeling. It’s like you’re bursting into tears and someone asks you are you okay? Really? Obviously I am not fucking ok lol. So I’ve been writing lately that I’m just confused and thinking about my next step. And it is a big move to me. But I’ve been thinking about in the morning and one of my coworkers asks me if I’m okay that I’m not as bubbly as I usually am. LOL was the first thing that popped in my head. Because you know why? I haven’t been trying to act bubbly or trying to socialize or trying to be friends after the whole thing with me quitting my other job. I thought it was funny that the next day she would think that I wasn’t as bubbly as I was yesterday. But then her words stung a little bit not as bad as it used to it because I knew I wasn’t even trying to be friends or to socialize or to get to know them. I just didn’t care because I have my own things going on. It just seemed stupid for me to even care about their feelings when I would be ignoring my own feelings and problems. I should be putting myself first not them. So ya this whole quitting made yes I admit a little depressed and more antisocial. Because I am lost. And I shouldn’t be having to care about how my coworkers feel about me when I have no idea wtf I want to do with my life. I’m looking at the bigger picture what I want to do is more important than how my coworkers look at me right now. I’ve never been good at multitasking and I accept it. It is frustrating at times. When its making friends, I’m focused on making friends. When its my job, its my job only. I can’t fucking multitask LOL.. I just can’t. Well I can if I don’t care about one or the other then I can multitask because none of those things matter. Then that makes me question, maybe I’m putting a little too much pressure being perfect. Fucking writing makes me think too much.
Confused.. is how I’m feeling at the moment. Or just torn. I’ve been trying to stay present for the last 3 weeks now. I do feel better. But I’m also scared at the moment too. Not knowing what’s going to happen. Or if I can do it or not. It honestly freaks me out. The time, the money wasted? Or even more time and money wasted? I have debt lined up, network at risk, my emotions messed up, and social life getting messy. I don’t know. I don’t know if belief in yourself is enough. Hearing people say it over and over again makes me want to believe it. But I need to experience it myself to really know. I’ve done it and fell on my face but it’s part of the process apparently. I’m just lost right now. Wondering what my next step to do. What I’m missing. What I can do better next time. How I can excel through it all. I know the journey I’m taking isn’t supposed to be easy but damn noone told me it would hurt this much. I’m kind of at a moment where I am still feeling vulnerable as fuck cause of shit hitting the fan but I also feel brave enough to try again, maybe something different. Just don’t know what that step is right now. I feel like that is the right direction. But I don’t know where and what I’m doing about it yet. Hopefully I find the answer soon.
I don’t know if it was an epiphany or something. But it was so simple. It popped into my head so randomly. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was ignoring all my shitty traits and glorifying all my good ones. Trying to be perfect, and constantly thinking about how to perfect, and ultimately failed. But that wasn’t who I wanted to be to begin with. I don’t want to be perfect. I was trying to be a better version of myself. But through everything I lost myself. I want to be me, all sides of me, but with extra bonuses. I want those things to be additions to me. Through trying to become who I wanted to be so bad. I got lost because I ignored and tried to numb parts of me to become like people I idolized. And worked frustratingly hard to push through my flaws. But I realized that, that isn’t the way to get there. You’ll be a nutcase. Trust me, been there done that. Honestly at this very moment, I do feel very vulnerable, but I also feel the strength to only want to be me. I question at times when I feel the most vulnerable, what happened to that girl who never gave a fuck about what other people say or if they liked me or not? I’m still that girl. I just want to be me. And become all parts of me. And have whatever extra skills/traits I want to have but never ignoring who I am, the bad and the good.
Hm.. I wonder sometimes if I’m just making life just too difficult. Caring, feeling, thinking, being is a fucking alot of effort. Especially if the process to becoming what you want to be is not very comfortable. To be honest, its very uncomfortable. I wonder. I just want to simplify it and make things work.
I started this blog because I wanted to be real with myself. I know I wrote 3x today on it. But I write because I let go of the feeling or the thought or whatever is bothering me. I don’t know how to explain it but once I do I let go of it and poof its gone. Like magic. I don’t know the answers and its okay. I know and I realize that I do put alot of unnecessary pressures on myself. I have to learn how to curb the habit. It’s not going to be easy but I’m willing to try and try and try again. Next time I put pressure on myself, I’m going to rethink about it and is it worth the stress? I think people sometimes, me included, feel the need to feel stressed or look stressed so it looks like they are trying hard or working hard. But that’s not true it doesn’t mean your working any less hard just because you aren’t stressed. You can still work really hard on something and just be at peace. I know it doesn’t sound completely convincing. But think about it. What’s more productive? Stress is known to make people get flustered, not focus, miss details while being calm you can stay focused, think properly, and notice the mistakes. How can you work hard on something when you can’t even focus? Isn’t that counterproductive. Forcing yourself to learn or do something when you can’t even focus? That’s absolutely crazy. And where did this expectation come from? I know its not just me. From society, once again. Society expects you to have to be stressed to seem busy. Stupid, isn’t it? If it’s done often enough and happens enough, it becomes true? Ha. I don’t think so. I’m learning that I absorb a shit load of expectations, thoughts, feelings from society. I use to think I didn’t take in shit. I take in TOO MUCH shit. I’m in overload about worthless, stupid crap, that society made me think was right. Because truth is, no one knows the truth, what’s wrong and what’s right. No one. But the fact that its done often enough, people think its true and that’s the way it works. Yea, in most cases that’s true because patterns appear and outcomes can be predicted, but it doesn’t absolutely mean that is completely true. There are exceptions. And its upto you, to realize what is true and right and wrong to you. What’s hindering you. What’s stopping you. It takes time. It takes trial and error. As much as I get frustrated, I appreciate the moments. No matter how much it drives me up the wall at the moment. I need.. well scratch that.. want to get rid of my unnecessary pressures no matter what society wants to think about how I react. Because anyways.. you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.. so you might as well do what the fuck you were going to do anyways.
So I got news back.. about something I was so devastated about the possibility. I don’t have it but I have something else. And it’s triggered by stress. I wonder why it happened? haha If you have been reading a few weeks ago not long ago I put myself under alot of stress and I’m going to admit I probably created alot of it in my head. I want to find a solution I do. But I realize NOONE TALKS ABOUT THIS LOL. Why don’t we learn these crucial things in school? Anyways…. it can get really bad if I don’t take care of it. And it has a lot to deal with stress. I don’t know if this is God’s way of throwing things at me so then I will really look at what’s the right thing to do instead of being stubborn doing the wrong thing. That he had to give me something so dramatic to make me realize to do something about it instead of ignoring it. I don’t know. I really don’t. In my mind, that whole process that I did a few weeks ago, I know I can’t do that or be like that for the rest of my life. That I really know in my heart. It’s not pleasant NOR was it productive. I need to work smarter.. not harder. And minimize stress. ALOT of it. Honestly at the moment, I heard the news I was happy it wasn’t what could possibly be the worst case scenario but neither was I estatic that it was positive for something else. I don’t want to think about shit like anymore LOL. For real. I’m not even kidding shit just keeps getting thrown at me. And its not even situations its my health. What can I do about that? It’s not something I can ignore and leave til later. I still have dreams and goals and the person I aspire to be. Stress is going to be there. And stress can cause an it to possibly happen again. So what’s a girl suppose to do? Man I swear I always get questions that noone can answer. And they are always hard ones. I need to learn to simplify things. Make it not complicated and roll with the punches and just do my best. Find the best solution if something isn’t working. Find out what I need to find out. Decrease the stress when I know its coming. Man if I succeed seriously I’m giving myself a fucking grammy.
Okay I’m going to rewrite this. I can’t believe this is the bs I have to deal with. People have no loyalty!! This is how the real world runs? To me, it’s absolutely disgusting. I have to say people are very very vindictive. This isn’t an environment that I would ideally like to be in. But guess what? This is life LOL.. you deal with the good with the bad. I honestly hate bad-mouthing people. I hate bad-mouthing b. But when I feel like I’m starting to get used in the situation, that pisses me off. The only back I’m watching for is my own. I’m not looking to bitter or anything its just how? Why? What the fuck is wrong with people? Is this how it is? You get burned and you just keep burning other people to feel better about yourself or protect yourself? This is such a vicious cycle and I don’t want to be in any part of it. I realize this is a part of life. I’m not saying there isn’t places you work in that have great environments I’m just saying anywhere out there there is a high possibility this can happen to. Look, I’m here to learn while I get paid to do things and build my confidence. All this stupid petty bullshit has nothing to deal with me and if it does you bet I’ll be watching my own back first and foremost. Just had to rant. I’m not here to be anyone’s guinea pig.
update so far in my life. Honestly at this very moment I do feel lost. I did pick myself up faster and I didn’t let myself get into the path to depression which is really good for me. I’m looking at my life and one thing that is very clear for me is what I do want. I want to feel alive in everything I do. In my job, relationships, social life, work life, family life, everything. Right now I feel like I’m just watching the days go by because I don’t want to deal with uncomfortable feelings. But that’s not doing me any good. I could sit on these feelings for a week or maybe two but what does that do? Absolutely nothing. I want to and have to keep moving forward. I really do feel when I write about the situations the solutions come a lot easier than me just thinking about them. I trust me and I trust the process. And it is time to make a decision about what I am going to do no matter how unsettling I feel, situation I’m in or whatever because it’s true I am never going to be at that moment where I feel ready or am ready. I gotta just go and do it and learn. I’m not going to go against my feelings, thoughts anymore, I am going to be a lot kinder and watch my self talk. I’m not going to be a pushover but I’m going to accept and not push against what Ido say because at the end of the day I am not my feelings nor my thoughts. Just because I said it or feel it doesn’t mean it’s true. My perception to reality isn’t true either. So I might as well use it to my advantage to see what I really want to see. What I need to do is listen truly to my heart. It’ll lead the way. I know it will.
I’ve realized there is nothing wrong with me. I overthought too much about issues problems or whatever I thought had or didn’t have. I realized that its not that I’m anti-social or need to be alone to feel better or feel my emotions so intensely. I’m just out of practice. When you stop practicing or never continue to practice you get out of the game. You lose those skills when you don’t use it. I think people think their either born with being sociable or not and its not true it is learned. So you might be looking at your friend like what the fuck but realize that she probably learned and kept going. It’s an effort. Like how you would keep doing something you love. People love people so they keep doing it and without realizing they became amazing at it. I realized that there is a magic process, a formula, in everything. You don’t need a shit load of effort to get there. And you don’t need to work into a mental breakdown or stress so much about it. And that applies for everything.
fail miserably and keep doing it
you’re never going to be perfect .. and that’s okay
there’s never going to be a perfect moment either.. and that’s okay