I have anxiety and I will finally admit to it. You know I was pushing so hard and hard to become the person I want to be and I neglected being nice to myself. I was so hard harsh on myself. SO mad at myself that I couldn’t get it no matter how hard I fucking tried. I literally wore myself into a mental breakdown. Literally. I’ve never had this happen to me. Who knew working too hard was a problem? It was the moment I let go. I decided to quit that I let all the pressure go. And that I just did things naturally. No more pressure. When I didn’t give a fuck. And that’s when I was able to learn again. Life is a fucking trial and error. As much as I brought myself down, I know how to bring myself up again and that’s what truly matters. Not giving up and being kind to your mistakes and learning. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying hard, you just trust yourself and know how you work. I never felt so happy to quit. No really. From a decision that I knew was right and that I was so sure to do it in a shorter amount of time. And not ignoring my gut feeling. And you know what I also realized in life. That everyone no matter how old you are will have struggles. And even struggles just like you. It’s the moment you open and voice it that your struggles go away. I voiced my issues for once in myself openly and not privately suffering anymore and I realized that I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t a fuck up as much as I thought I was. And that people who really knew the pain understood. And that some people are scared to. And that people instantly genuinely feel closer to you and want to share things and open up about themselves too. That you can laugh with each other’s pain. It was nice. And S I really hope you are happy. And that you do everything to keep yourself happy no matter what. Seriously. I only wish you well. You are honestly the sweetest and really honestly took care of me and I appreciated it when I was scared shitless you were always there. It’s true that the ones with the most pain are always the one to extend the helping hand. And I truly appreciated it. Thanks for always telling me I’m amazing even when I said I wasn’t. I hope you take care of yourself as much as you took care of me. For once I’m crying happy tears. That I finally know me and accept me. It’s a journey but I’m willing to roll with the punches. If I never tried, how would I know? So so far in life, I realize that you can push push push push yourself but its crazy. You’ll end up in a mental breakdown. And yes the fucking answer is BALANCE. Fucking hell. The answer is knowing and trusting yourself and your decisions. It’s a delicate balance. But isn’t everything in life is a balance? Knowing when to compromise isn’t a bad thing if you are getting your end result. And I’m accepting that fact. I’ll learn, I will. I’m glad of the connections I made at that job. They truly felt genuine. Something I realize I’m getting more often when I’m honest with who I am. Man.. being a fucking adult is hard. Seriously. But I’m not willing give up. I really truly feel in my heart I never will. I may have my back against the wall at times, cry my fucking ass off, convince myself and flood myself with negative thoughts but I will always bring myself back up. Even if I’m crawling back up and getting smacked down. Maybe this is my path. And I have to trust me and it. And embrace it. And work it to my favor. No one is perfect. And its the ones with most struggle that truly understand what life is about. And how to use it to their favor. I’m finally willing to accept me for who I am and everything else is just icing on the cake. And no matter what I do. I have to remember my boundaries and REALLY stick up for myself when I’m feeling inferior. Because resentment is WAY WAY worse on you than it is bitching at somebody that pissed you off or treated you wrong. And we have to learn that. It’s amazing if you are genuinely nice but damn even oprah has her fucking moments. LOL. She’s one of the most compassionate people but she fucking sets her boundaries. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. And don’t bring that feeling home and feel guilty about it. You did that to defend yourself because you? You are your bestfriend and you need to treat everything to your best interest. Because if you die tomorrow do you really care about that person that much that you were scared to offend them? It takes balls I know. Easier said than done. But practice makes perfect. And remember that life is a game. It’s not meant to be taken too seriously. You fuck up? Find a better way and pick your self back up again and again. Failures lead to success. So try as much as you fucking want. No regrets. And do whatever you have to do to get what you want. At the end of the day its the end result that matters isn’t it? Don’t give up. Ever.

Advertisements