I’ve been mentally breaking down for the last 2 weeks. I’ve been crying everyday for real non-stop. And I think I realized something. I think I truly know the answer for me. I have to accept my flaws and accept what I can take and not take. And what I’m good at and what I’m not good at. I was in denial before. Believing that if I just believe I can be that. No it takes more work than that. I’m not saying I’m giving up on my flaws and to never improve them. I will improve them. But slowly at my pace. That I can go at. Having all the self-confidence in yourself doing something that you thought you could do but had crazy amount of anxiety is not enough to accept the job. I will admit it was too much for me. And I have to listen to my body and how it reacts. I wasn’t taking step by step I was jumping 20 steps. I see that now. Just because I found out this job wasn’t right for me doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my dreams. And to be honest this wasn’t even a job I really wanted. But I was just thinking about the money for now. But if its just the money for now I should think about what naturally suits my personality best. And I’ll get that job now and still work on who I want to become and the goals I WILL achieve. I will try again and again for whatever I want to do. No one is going to tell me what I can’t do or can do. I will be the decision maker of that with my best interest in mind. I have to learn and I will. But nothing NOTHING no matter how painful will ever stop from doing what I really want to do. I have high expectations for myself and I’ll rather have high expectations for myself than to just say this is what god has given me and that I can’t be more. I refuse. I’m learning by trial and error. Even if it absolutely sucks along the way. I have to keep going. Nothing is all black and white. And I finally see that now. Finally. I used to look at this as a weakness. But it honestly feels liberating LOL. I can’t explain it. Yeah I moped around feeling like I failed at life. That I’m not as great as I thought I could be. But this was affecting me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I cried every night for 2 weeks, couldn’t sleep cause I was so stressed about how to get things right, I lost my motivation, I lost myself in a job that I didn’t even want to spend the rest of my life in. I pondered if it was worth the trade off. I thought long and hard. And I’ve made a decision. And it just clicked when I realized I was crying tears of joy instead of tears of sadness.

Advertisements