Before I use to think I wasn’t very blessed at all. Or even if did from the outside from everything I did, the way I looked, the way I acted, the people I was around I realized I wasn’t. I just felt empty. I used to be jealous of people who would party all the time, have so many friends and can make so many friends, go to all the events, and have these rich guys at their beck and call. But then I after I got into this and did it for multiple years I realized it was just a facade. Noone really has genuine friends but they hang out like they are. Noone could trust anyone so everything was kept to themselves and if they tried they would get backstabbed. Having rich guys by your beck and call also has their drawbacks, none of them respected these girls. Yeah at the moment I realized all of this, I stopped being jealous. I cut out the bs.

Anyways I really do feel really grateful for the people I have around me. Truly. My bestfriends I’ve known since I was in kindergarten til grade 3 that love and accept me for all that I am and I do the same for them. My family and relatives I feel closer and closer with everyday. Things just feel right right now. Like I’m doing the right thing.

Oh yeah and update on my job. I’m getting better!! They told me I’m doing awesome but I still don’t feel I’m at the “awesome” level yet. I think I’ll always have self-doubt on things I do but I need to learn to trust myself. And just because they said I’m doing “awesome” I’m still going to work 100x hard to studying and memorizing exactly what I have to do with zero mistakes. That’s my goal. I can never let a compliment get too far with me because I’ll start to be lazy and I don’t want to be lazy. Oh!! and I got another job offer!!! I’m going to try to work 2 jobs but well see how the schedule fits !

Oh that totally reminds me… I was talking to one of my older cousins yesterday and I realized even when your close around 30 you can still be lost as fuck and not know what to do with your life. Me and her were just talking about jobs and life. And she asked me what do I do now. I told her what I was doing now. She asked me alot of questions like how did you get that amount, etc. Then we were talking about my plan C, my plan B, and my plan A. Yeah when i told her what I was doing next which was for my plan B she was like wth why would you want to that and waste 3 years doing something you don’t want to do for the rest of your life? Its because I’m not sure what I want to do for of myself and i’ll be DAMNED if I keep wasting time and waiting for something I love to do for the rest of my life. I just don’t want to wait anymore. I’ll always think about what I want to for the rest of my life. That is a goal of mine and I don’t give up on goals very easily. You have to keep on moving no matter how lost you feel.  And I realized when I was asked her “what about you?” She was completely lost. It was first time in a long time where I felt like I knew exactly where I was going and I was going the right way. I always use to feel like the one that was lost and kinda sad to be honest that I still didn’t know what I wanted but now it feels good to know exactly what I want. But anyways back to my relative. She was telling what shes doing, how long shes been there, and hows the pay. Well let’s just say the pay wasn’t very good but I could tell she was still wound up on feelings about something else. Sometimes I wish I could tell her to get out of those feelings but I don’t really like prive into things that are private for some people. I always go by the motto if they wanna tell me, they will. I think I wrote multiple times that feelings are mindfuck and that’s because they really ARE. But this is what I feel she really needs but yeah.. until she’s willing to accept the truth I can’t say anything. But yeah looking at her I realized that’s not how I want to be when I’m around that age. SORRY LOL. I don’t mean to be harsh but that’s just the personal goal of mine and that’s her life and she can do whatever she wants with it. But I definitely want to be definite with my goals.

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