I feel better today. I’m hesitating less. Saying the word “I don’t care” is like death to me. Once you hit the “I don’t care” moment, realize that you lose. That moment when you just don’t give a fuck rubs off of EVERYTHING. You start not giving a fuck about how to do things, you fuck the correct way of doing things, and guess what? Everything fucks up and you got to fix it. Not only that you aren’t interested in fixing it LOL. So start caring. Hate something? Move and go find something you enjoy and challenge yourself. That’s a sign you’re in the wrong place. Things have been going a little too smooth.. like I’m waiting for the next moment that’s going to make me cry LOL. It don’t feel right to be safe haha. I realize I need to really honestly really TRUST myself. It doesn’t even matter if you are unsure of what the fuck you’re doing, if you don’t trust yourself you automatically lose. Because your self-esteem plummets, negative thinking shoots up, you believe the worst scenarios going to happen and usually it does. Everything just feels like its going wrong. That’s what the fuck happens. But honestly it feels good when you got you. Like you maybe unsure but when you’re confident and BELIEVE you can do it you’ll figure it out. I just got to trust that I always will or I’ll find a way. Saying one thing is easy. Doing it is another. I realized through working and I guess just becoming older, I feel like I don’t work for the money. I work for the learning experience. Money means nothing to me. It has no value on its own. Yeah it definitely helps with bringing my dreams come true but it itself means nothing. I’ll always work to invest in myself and bring my dreams to life but I won’t ever just work to accumulate money and just possessions. I realize I need meaning in my life. I want to work by listening to my heart.
So alot has been going on so far. Well it definitely feels like it. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot lately. But what I need to ask myself about every 3 days or so is, is this who I want to be for the rest of my life and what I want to do for the rest of my life or live like this for the rest of my life? Sometimes I just need a reality check. I don’t think I’m being too analytical at all. Time is so precious to me. And I don’t want a day to go by wasting it. Anyways one of c is older and she was telling me how its lonely being so independent. No offense but when I looked at her I see qualities I see in myself. And I don’t know if its a clue or a heads up from G that I should really know what’s important to me. I don’t want to grow old and have no one there. That’s sad LOL.. no offense. I mean relationships mean as much as to me as success. But I don’t want to do without either. And looking at her I guess I could see how my life would be if I chose to only be self-sufficient and not having time for relationships to cure. And I don’t want to be like her. You know like regret. Once in a while G always gives a heads up and if you’re lucky or ready for it you’ll notice it. I need to always keep in mind that life is a game. It’s about living the happiest you can. Even if you have to go through hell for a little bit. It makes it all worth it. But other than that… I feel better at work. I still get stressed. I know its an independent thing. I need to just trust myself and rely on myself. I’m my own worst critic like I said. That’s why I stutter on things I do or want to say. I know I need to believe in myself more and I know I do but I got to do it without thinking what others will think of me. All these things coupled with eachother makes it alot harder for me just because I’ve had challenges with each one of them but I could usually work on them one by one but in these type of situations I’ve been put on a “multi-tasking” situation. But I’m going to keep working on it! Oh yeah.. can’t forget to mention the energy thing. Omg its fucking hard not to get sucked into people’s low energy. It’s not even negative but it makes the biggest impact especially if you’re stuck with that person all day. I’m legit like a sponge. I need to CUT the cord. Because honestly, in my heart, I cannot let myself LIVE THAT WAY LOL For real. Honestly it’s kind of upsetting for me to see people live like this. I would only hope and wish for everyone to live a life fulfilled. And that if you don’t enjoy your work, you’re at least doing things you love and spending time with people you adore and hitting your dreams if you want to. But its kind of sad to see people on auto-pilot like taking the day by day doing the same shit saying the same shit nothing going on. That work is their life. You may not say it but I can see it written all over your face. I just don’t want to be one of them. I need to keep challenging myself, be excited, work on things I want to work on, elevate myself, spend time with people I love, do things I love, have time to meet new people and relationships. I’ll do it all. Just got to keep focused.
Whenever I’m down or I lose hope or motivation or whatever, I read or look through pictures to remind myself what is my motivator. And just feeling it again makes me feel alive again. No matter how hard it is, how many times I’ve been beat up, how I wanted to give up, it makes it all worth it again. The woman I want to be is equal to a man. I’ll be that woman that can shake your hand with confidence because I know my value. I know what I can do. And I won’t be one of those girls that you are used to partying with. I’ll be a woman with confidence, ambition, goals, knows my value, secure with myself, and know I’m special. He’ll know when he meets me. I won’t be a woman that needs to compare myself to anybody because I know everyone has a different path and have started at different levels. Where people start their journey is uncontrollable. I’ll know that. As much as I have been tired, I’m going to stop complaining and worrying because those two things absolutely do nothing for me. And now? I just want to go get it.
I treated my parents and family to father’s day dinner and I guess I felt a little uncomfortable paying. Not because it was too expensive for me. Or maybe it was. I don’t know I didn’t care how much the bill will be because I work fucking hard. And honestly I could never put a price tag on my family. They were making me feel bad .. because it was like oh that’s too expensive. Like this is cheaper if I bought it at somewhere else. Or just whatever comments. And honestly I just wanted them to have a good time and not worry about the price range. It made me feel weird like I started to feel insecure for some reason. Like I didn’t want to talk to the waiters or whatever. I know its weird. Then I realized.. its their mentality that I am uncomfortable with. And then I realized that energy played a huge part. It made me uncomfortable because I wasn’t in the mindset of saving and being poor, I was in the mindset of making money and grinding. Their energy was a little like telling what your child should do type of mentality, like you should have known better. Well that’s how I felt. And that energy rubbed off on me. I’m not saying having a mentality to be poor and saving is bad. I’m just in a mentality of making money and grinding and doing things because I know I can. I can’t limit myself to that type of mentality. I just can’t. And the energy I can’t let anyone fuck with it. Those two things are like diamonds to me. They mean everything. I’ve been tired, really stressed out, feeling at the verge of giving up BUT I’m never giving up. I will do whatever it takes. Let me get it G. I believe in me and I hope you’ll believe in me too.
Something came up that actually made me depressed before. And I just can’t stop thinking about it. I honestly wish worrying never existed. Because that’s what I do best. I emotionally fuck myself over. And it literally feels like its coming back to haunt me. The worst thing is I can’t answer the question or figure out the outcome. And it just gives me anxiety just waiting and waiting and waiting. It’s one of those things you can’t control. But this isn’t a little thing its a huge thing which why I can’t seem to brush it off. For once this is something I’m not even over exaggerating in. I didn’t know how much it hurt me until I talk about it. I just want to burst into tears because I’m so stressed over it. For something I can’t control and will make a big impact. I hate asking and praying sometimes to God about needing something. It feels selfish. But when there is absolutely no one else all I need is someone to listen and just to feel hope. Ugh I hate feeling this way and what this has done to me but I have to roll with the punches. I can’t control everything and especially the uncontrollable. I just got to live and take it one day at a time and not think about it. I hate how I’m such worry wart.
I honestly truly do feel blessed and grateful haha. It’s funny because I think I never really felt like this before. To just feel grateful for the things you have right now. I used to be so obsessed with things that I just consider irrelevant to me now. What’s that saying again? That saying that you become who you hang out with like the 5 people you hang out with the most. I really did become shit LOL. Honestly it is so hard to be so aware at that moment that you have become one of them and its partially because you won’t let yourself believe that you are like them that you think you’re better than that but it doesn’t matter. If you hang out with them long enough your personality changes, your habits change, the way you talk changes, the things you talk about changes. I was just straight in denial. But I am glad I got out of that circle. I think subconsciously I knew exactly what I wanted to do but my mind wouldn’t let me. But subconsciously .. I was doing things to get myself out of there.
But yeah.. honestly I really do feel grateful for the people I have around me. I really do. I mean who can say they genuinely have 6 best friends that they literally grew up from since they were babies. That tell eachother everything, want the best for you, can talk about the stupidest shit forever, laugh about anything, fight and cry and laugh together, and be there for each other no matter what you are doing, that know how each other feel no matter what they say, that knows EVERYTHING and all of you that they can predict everything you do, that know eachother’s family like their own, that will literally do ANYTHING for you. And were still going strong haha. And not only that I’ve met even more people who are becoming close enough and comparable to my best friends. I do really feel I hit the jackpot with my friends. I couldn’t have asked for better friends.
Another I realized from reading my previous posts… LOL…. is that I overreact ALOT. I get so angry at the little things sometimes.. or if something just sets me off. And once I’m set off I’m just like mad at the whole world. I realize that I am overreacting. Cause once I give it time and I bite my tongue I realize the people at my workplace are not bad at all. I do still think one is disrespectful even though she hasn’t been disrespect lately and has been nice but to one of our coworkers she really is. Like I want to tell her but I need her help cause I’m still training. Because honestly I think it is so rude someone is just asking you a question because they want to be sure. She doesn’t want to mess up. And accuracy is key in this job. But shes like so degrading to her.. lol and I want to say something to her but its like idk if i should keep that to myself and not stir up things. Yeah I know I am being kind of selfish by not saying anything because I’m caring about my position in the job. I do feel bad. Cause I hate it when people treat other people like that. But I promise myself that I WILL NEVER NEVER be a person like that if I become a boss. I just would hate myself. I don’t think you need to be a condescending asshole to get your point across. People work because they’re trying to survive and have kids to feed you know. There’s no need to make their life miserable so you can stroke your ego and think your better than someone else or looking down on someone.
But yeah I got to keep motivated!!! LOL I got a second job and honestly I am so fucking excited!!! I’ve always wanted to work there and I finally am. I definitely am still going to bust my fucking ass off for both my jobs and not slack. I don’t want to be lazy anymore. I just want to hustle. Push my limits and see how far I can really go. And keep trying no matter how many times I fail. I’ll keep studying, memorizing, understanding, bettering myself everyday because like I said, I look at this as an investment to myself. Every job anyone does will have a benefit to you. ALWAYS. No matter how stupid that job was. It will make you excel in things and things you didn’t even know of. Take the job as an advantage. And if you feel like you were already at the top at the job MOVE ON. Keep going up. Keep the momentum. I don’t want to ever lose this motivation and inner drive I have because I was missing it for a long time and its nice to honestly have it back again. That’s all the push I needed to get my life together again and the things I want and the things I attract.
I feel a little more relaxed today however I want to keep my mind motivated. It’s a little hard because I have to consciously think to do this and do that and remember. Some things that may be easily remembered and done by someone else is hard for me. It always has been and I recognize and am aware of that in myself which why I try so hard to focus and improve. But I’m going to keep trying no matter HOW TIRED I AM. I can sleep when I die LOL.
My goal for tomorrow to ace what I do:
To answer it professionally and knowledgeably
To know what I am doing without having to ask someone else (general)
To do r fast and accurate
To do SH,M, N accurate
To speak up when I need to
To be confident in myself
Honestly working here has made me realize a couple things. And another thing with working with mostly women. Everyone is says one thing but totally means another. What I mean by that is these women have some fucking animosity against eachother. And it is SO BAD. LOL. Like they fake like they’re nice with eachother but you can totally tell someone annoys someone else or someone else is offended. I just laugh in my head because honestly it really is every woman for herself. They have always told me there is no loyalty in the company and I get it now. I hate the fact that as women we have to act this way but you know what I tried. And maybe I get to emotionally attached to relationships from the beginning and care about how my coworkers feel but I realize none of these fucking bitches GIVE A SHIT. And that’s sad but that’s the truth. I will mind my own business and I will kill em with kindness because I know making enemies early brings absolutely no gain and not only that it makes me lose my focus. I have to not take shit personal. It absolutely sucks that the real world can be this selfish and I really wish it wasn’t but I guess these women have reasons for what they do I’m sure they’re as stressed about not having to lose the job and they have kids to feed and everything. And honestly if I look at it from their perspective I understand. Once again, I have to keep me happy, me efficient, and I’ll definitely be minding my own business because I ain’t letting anybody fuck with my energy and goals.
I’m legit working my fucking ass off. And I still don’t even feel like I’m working enough. It’s like I don’t have enough hours that I’m losing sleep just to salvage more time to work on things. Nothing has ever been easy for me. But I’m not giving up for shit. I may be a zombie at home but I have to be laser focused at work. Oh and I forgot to mention I just got hired for a second job! haha It’s actually the one I really wanted to be at but I am so fucking tired. I want to be AMAZING at what I do. AND efficient AND organized AND quick. I really need more energy but I don’t even know how to increase that. I legit can’t even stay up late anymore otherwise I’ll be dead the next day. And any off day is a bad for me there. It’s a place where they don’t tolerate mistakes AT ALL. I need to be on my shit. I just want to sleep…… LOL. I missss you sooooo much. I just have to keep reminding myself I DO THIS for me. For my future. My investment and just fucking suck it up. It’s true though once you get to a level where you try your best always and decide to never be unpurposeful again you don’t want to go back you just want to keep going up and up. And never stop. I may hate this shit right now but I know exactly why I am doing what I am doing. And that’s all I need.
Before I use to think I wasn’t very blessed at all. Or even if did from the outside from everything I did, the way I looked, the way I acted, the people I was around I realized I wasn’t. I just felt empty. I used to be jealous of people who would party all the time, have so many friends and can make so many friends, go to all the events, and have these rich guys at their beck and call. But then I after I got into this and did it for multiple years I realized it was just a facade. Noone really has genuine friends but they hang out like they are. Noone could trust anyone so everything was kept to themselves and if they tried they would get backstabbed. Having rich guys by your beck and call also has their drawbacks, none of them respected these girls. Yeah at the moment I realized all of this, I stopped being jealous. I cut out the bs.
Anyways I really do feel really grateful for the people I have around me. Truly. My bestfriends I’ve known since I was in kindergarten til grade 3 that love and accept me for all that I am and I do the same for them. My family and relatives I feel closer and closer with everyday. Things just feel right right now. Like I’m doing the right thing.
Oh yeah and update on my job. I’m getting better!! They told me I’m doing awesome but I still don’t feel I’m at the “awesome” level yet. I think I’ll always have self-doubt on things I do but I need to learn to trust myself. And just because they said I’m doing “awesome” I’m still going to work 100x hard to studying and memorizing exactly what I have to do with zero mistakes. That’s my goal. I can never let a compliment get too far with me because I’ll start to be lazy and I don’t want to be lazy. Oh!! and I got another job offer!!! I’m going to try to work 2 jobs but well see how the schedule fits !
Oh that totally reminds me… I was talking to one of my older cousins yesterday and I realized even when your close around 30 you can still be lost as fuck and not know what to do with your life. Me and her were just talking about jobs and life. And she asked me what do I do now. I told her what I was doing now. She asked me alot of questions like how did you get that amount, etc. Then we were talking about my plan C, my plan B, and my plan A. Yeah when i told her what I was doing next which was for my plan B she was like wth why would you want to that and waste 3 years doing something you don’t want to do for the rest of your life? Its because I’m not sure what I want to do for of myself and i’ll be DAMNED if I keep wasting time and waiting for something I love to do for the rest of my life. I just don’t want to wait anymore. I’ll always think about what I want to for the rest of my life. That is a goal of mine and I don’t give up on goals very easily. You have to keep on moving no matter how lost you feel. And I realized when I was asked her “what about you?” She was completely lost. It was first time in a long time where I felt like I knew exactly where I was going and I was going the right way. I always use to feel like the one that was lost and kinda sad to be honest that I still didn’t know what I wanted but now it feels good to know exactly what I want. But anyways back to my relative. She was telling what shes doing, how long shes been there, and hows the pay. Well let’s just say the pay wasn’t very good but I could tell she was still wound up on feelings about something else. Sometimes I wish I could tell her to get out of those feelings but I don’t really like prive into things that are private for some people. I always go by the motto if they wanna tell me, they will. I think I wrote multiple times that feelings are mindfuck and that’s because they really ARE. But this is what I feel she really needs but yeah.. until she’s willing to accept the truth I can’t say anything. But yeah looking at her I realized that’s not how I want to be when I’m around that age. SORRY LOL. I don’t mean to be harsh but that’s just the personal goal of mine and that’s her life and she can do whatever she wants with it. But I definitely want to be definite with my goals.
I hate my title. I am not incapable because I am VERY capable. But I was crying out of frustration and feeling stupid earlier because of work. It’s honestly the most frustrating feeling to feel. To feel like you can’t process or remember all the processes and steps you need to do when you know you are ABSOLUTELY capable. The added pressure, and people training me (one in particular) making me feel stupid is… how do you say it.. making me self-doubt myself. I know I need to work on my confidence levels, I know. But honestly I can’t blame anybody no matter how much they have infuriated me, upset me, or was disappointed in me I can only blame myself. Real life is hard, real jobs is hard. Being a fucking adult is hard lol!! I can’t blame them because they have a reason for feeling I am incompetent and I gave them a reason. I’m not trying to dumb down myself but its true. It is my fault for not being up to par yet. Alot of people might say if you can’t handle it or you don’t have the right skills quit. Quit is not in my vocabulary. You’re going to have to fire me lol. I always will and stay up if I need to, study extra hours, memorizing for extra hours, repeating constantly in mind all the steps til I understand everything to do my fucking job. I will always try my hardest to get the best job done at my best effort. I will practice like an idiot because I REFUSE to be told or feel that I am incapable of anything I set my mind to do. If I don’t have to skills or I suck I will work my way to get them no matter what. If I can’t handle the pressure, I will find solutions to be able to use the pressure or find coping mechanisms to make me effective again. I will everything possible.
With every goal, there has to be a game plan.
1. Be more confident IN YOURSELF in job
(no matter how someone makes you feel, set feelings aside, ALWAYS SPEAK UP no matter how you feel, knowledge = power, SPEAK with confidence)
-reorganize notes until you understand, AHEAD OF TIME as well
-repetition of steps (tele (what to say, how to say), think about all steps over and
-ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS, so rather than coming out as lost, you come off as professional, has it together, and is simply seeking important info in order to get the job done
2. TRUST YOURSELF
(no need to self-doubt yourself, KNOW you did your steps correctly (be organized mixed with confident will solve this issue)
3. Be really accurate, detail-oriented
-NEVER SKIP A STEP no matter how someone is pressuring you, ACCURACY IS KEY (fuck them) because at the end of the day YOUR ASS will be on the line so they can go fuck themselves
4. Be a really good listener
-listen with INTEREST
5. Be very clear, decisive, and informative
-make sure you understand exactly what every person says to you (GET THE INFO NEEDED, be nosy as fuck)
-speak with confidence and know EXACTLY what you are doing. Doubts? ASK.
6. Be really quick (once accuracy has happened)
-once you have been an expert in accuracy, work on time management and skills and organization (come back to this **)
7. Change your mindset
-negativity, self-doubt gets you nowhere in life
-think positive and say that you can
8. Don’t know what to do? SPEAK UP
9. Feeling self-doubt or failing? TAKE A FEW BREATHS & JS BE AWARE THAT YOUR MIND NEEDS TO STAY OPEN
10. Be energetic and happy attitude
-FAKE IT if you have to everything is easier done in a happier mood and psychologically it helps as well
-FUCK people’s energies, comments, DON’T TAKE SHIT PERSONAL
Just remember to believe in yourself and that you will find a way. And no matter what doubts come into your head, keep trying and asking for more help even if you make a few mistakes at first.