My heads a little cloudy. I don’t know if I feel torn if I want to be crazy again and go out again or focus and isolate into my goals. I know I don’t have to be this extreme, but I know me, this is what works for me. I don’t want to lose my fun, outgoing side but I don’t want to lose my focus either. I wonder if it’s supposed to be like this? Sometimes I feel like I still am playing it too safe. Like I need to do more. Yeah I still self-doubt myself when an opportunity comes up and I get nervous and so anxious about those situations. Sounds silly but I’m learning techniques to control them. I just don’t want to stop myself from hitting goals because of the way my body reacts and the way my thoughts trigger it. It absolutely freaks me out if I fail but why would they consider me anyways? They obviously saw something in me. I need to be sure of myself even if the situation feels uncontrollable or stressful to think about. But anyways back to how I feel about feeling torn. Yeah sometimes I wonder if I’ll regret somethings. I feel like I should be doing more because I’m not risking enough to be this way but I wonder if its just the process. I could be going out and getting to know people again and I really do miss it but Idk I just feel so weird about it. Its like I’m okay with isolating myself, figuring out myself, bettering myself, feeling like I’m following my heart and really listening to myself because I know this is something I really want. I already knew. I need to listen to my heart more often instead of following my mind. I feel like actually taking the time to know myself I feel better being who I am. I know what I hate, I know what I like, I know what I want, yeah I’m more sensitive but I realized I repressed that because of other people, I’m more sensitive to other peoples feeling, I’m wise as fuck haha, I feel like I know my ambition again and its ignited again and honestly that FEELS SO GOOD. I know I want to be in a relationship and I feel like yeah I’m scared but I’m willing to risk it. You know this is probably the most vulnerable I have been in a long time. I grew up always caring what other people thought of me and how I should think that I didn’t even think for myself. And for once, I feel like I’m really doing things for me and things for other people because I truly want to. To feel like you have absolute control over your own self feels amazing. I realized I was too harsh with myself before. It’s not that I’m not pushing myself enough but everyone is different. Some things may work for you, some might not. And if I’m my own best friend I should treat her right. Even if everyone’s not supporting me or negative influences I know I’ll always have me. That I can support me when shit goes down. That doesn’t mean other people can’t or I won’t allow them to I definitely will. But having you root for you and doing whats best for you and that person really knows who you are, your intentions, your feelings.. why do you feel the need to explain yourself to people who will never understand. Yeah to people you care say those things because they aren’t physic but if they choose not to listen or believe know that she knows your true intentions and that you never EVER have to explain yourself.

Sometimes I feel like this journey to becoming who I want to become and hitting my goals makes me feel weird telling other people about it. Its like they don’t understand or they don’t understand yet. Even my closest and my family. I’ve read that sometimes you got to keep your goals to yourself because either they support you, don’t approve, have their own opinions, shoot it down, or how do you say it don’t care. Yeah I guess I’m a little sensitive and when I feel unsupported sometimes I pull away because I’m offended. Idk my mindset is just different or what I really want is different. Like doing this is making me so serious. And yeah I miss my old self like my personality. I know I don’t have to compromise that but sometimes it feels like I am because I’m so focused or I don’t want to be around things that aren’t aligned with my goals. If I can make a solution and find one that would give me that balance that would be ideal. I need to know how to knock off work mode and switch over to relax and just have fun and vice versa. You know what I will figure it out. If its a problem, I’ll figure everything about it possible, find the best solutions, and apply. Practice makes perfect.

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