Okay I need to clear my head. It just feels stressed. Like that cloudy feeling you get in the front of your head. Well I did an interview today for the position I want but slightly different. And it stressed me out the more it reminded me of my last job. The way the two interviewers were describing the position to me. All that popped up in my head was that previous job I did. It’s a big deal well.. feels like one because I got fired in that job. And I’m not going to lie it made me feel worthless. I was so angry, frustrated about that that situation that happened. And it made me doubt myself so much. I always knew I wasn’t doing the best job at it. But I kept pushing through because everyday was a new day that I could conquer again. That job made me so stressed out all the time. I even brought the stress home. I had about 2 weeks of training there but I felt like alot of the times I couldn’t figure out how to do something. It was always something new that I was never taught to deal with. I had to figure out a lot of things myself. And when I made a mistake noone would correct me until way later. And remembering how people were so rude that called and not knowing how to deal with them. I guess I’m scared. I might not even get the job for it yet and I’M SO STRESSED LOL. Like wtf. I guess I’m scared of feeling that way again and failing. I HATED that feeling. HATED. I never thought I would get fired for anything. As much as I knew that I wasn’t great at it. I ALWAYS tried to push myself even if I didn’t understand wtf I was doing. Instead my boss was rude and basically referenced me dumb. You know.. when shit like that comes from someone’s mouth you can help but feel resentment. Did I enjoy my experience there you ask? No. I didn’t LOL. I was always stressed out. I was constantly annoyed that millions of people had to ask me to do this and do that while multitasking the phone and doing contracts and assignments that needed to be finished today and also selling people shit and they wanted try on this and that. And all I was thinking about was getting my shit done before the end of the day. Not only that but even asking for help felt like stupid. Like I couldn’t even ask anyone for help when I needed it.

Maybe it was just that job, but it deathly scares me of this one I just interviewed for and that’s why its stressing me out. I know my skills are not that up to par yet. Like dealing with people on the phone about issues or shit I have no idea about freaks me out. I get nervous on the phone sometimes well not sometimes most of the time is because I’m kind of deaf LOL.. If someone is infront me I can hear the situation a lot better and even if I didn’t hear it properly its like my energy just comes off as very friendly that they are forgiving however on the phone ALL that shit goes way. They don’t get to see me so all they hear is my voice. And they really are less forgiving. If you asked me what I’m scared of the most.. its that I can’t handle it. That I wouldn’t know what to do in those type of situations or how to fix it. Yeah.. not knowing what to do is is what I am scared of the most. I have alot of a pride and all that stupid shit but I realize that you got to set that aside. Its scare the fucking shit out of me but I fee like I need a chance to redeem myself. As much as it does, I want to know if I can handle it. Cause if I can I’ll be so proud of myself. I’m just thinking if I do another job that requires me to be micromanaged, not independent, and not challenging enough how I would feel. What I see is that I will not be challenged, I will not grow, I will not be outside of my comfort zone, and what can that do for my future. I want to own my own business one day. I’m going to have to deal with these type of things. For the life I dream of and want I got to suck it up and do it if I want to grow. Yeah I may suck at certain things but you best believe that I will ALWAYS try my hardest. Always. And I will always try to learn faster and better and become a better listener. I can go through life without feeling a thing. Na da. But what kind of life would that be? I’m not trying to assume the worst, but I will be prepared for it. For all the lows the shitty days, I just need to know that I can do anything and solve anything. And just GET IT DONE. And let go of that stress or use it to my advantage. And if I get fired fuck it LOL I’ll try to work two jobs at the same time so I’ll still have one really good reference LOL. But I will try my hardest and I’m doing it for me to know that I can. And it is something I’m interested in. So that helps. So I decided I will take it if I am offered.

It kind of reminds me of a time when I was working somewhere else. And we both started working at the same time but later on she had so much power over all of us because she took initiative despite what other people told her. And she stuck to her guns and it worked and she did it with a smile on her face. I want to be able to do that that through this process that I will not EVER doubt myself and that I trust myself. No matter how frustrated I get. That I can figure out and that I don’t need to depend on someone else. From now on, if I am ever thrown anything to do I will just do it. Figure out what needs to be known and DO IT. I need to grow up and just do it. I need to think of it as an investment for the future.

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