Finally got my job! Yay! I’m actually getting paid pretty well compared to my other girlfriends I did my program with. Some of them are getting wages almost near minimum and I’m doubled that amount so I’m happy LOL. I guess waiting those extra 3 months wasn’t that bad at all. For 2 out of 3t of the interviews I wanted the job for the most I got accepted. I had to reject the second one because it clashed with training hours for my first choice. But I also want this other position at an interview I did too but I still don’t know if they want me. Waiting is honestly such a bitch. Is this how it is really in the real world looking for a serious job? Cause DAMN. LOL…… I mean this is already my plan C. I could only imagine how hard it would be for even more serious jobs. Anyways I’m glad I aimed at the wage I aimed for because I got even better than that. Funny thing I kept telling the girls I was closer to in class to also get what I knew we could get. Might as well get the best you can get if you paid for this. They were speaking of wages I thought we too low to be acceptable and that they would be fine with. And I love how we all ended up with jobs at the wage we wanted specifically or even better. I guess it goes to show eve if one really good opportunity comes out that you think would be the best isn’t even the best because god has another one in store for you. The waiting was a bitch but I wouldn’t have it another way. In this new company I’m working for it is showing me its challenges. It is expecting a shit load of me and I’ve been told numerous times they aren’t afraid to fire. Is it fucked up or what that I got excited when my colleague gave me a heads up that they will fire if someone is slacking even if you were working here for numerous years. LOL. I don’t know maybe its because I’ve been fired before and I really want a chance to redeem myself. And it’s like exciting for me to feel I can get fired anyday LOL.. ya I’m fucked up. But I definitely think there’s pros to this because I’ve noticed people within the company can get promotions fairly quickly if you’re good at what you do. Extremely good at what you do. I’ve already been working my ass off memorizing and figuring out everything I need to know but hearing this makes me want to work even harder and consistently. People think I’m asking a shit load of questions and I’m sorry if I’m being annoying at first LOL because I want to know every detail that’s the way I operate. I always do that just cause I want to get all of information I need to know so I won’t have to constantly bother them again but they usually don’t mind anyways. I’m just doing it out of common cortesy whether they realize it or not haha. My trainers I swear always think I’m trying too hard LOL. Not in a bad way but they think I shouldn’t worry about memorizing things since its my first week. But honestly it saves me a SHITLOAD of work to learn everything the correct way and in a way I officially understand thoroughly the first time so I don’t have to work 5x as hard recalling things and wondering if that’s alright to do or not. Anyways besides that there has been little challenges but I’m going to take it with a grain of salt. I realize that some people are just that way and that I shouldn’t take shit personal and shouldn’t get emotionally attached. Everyones different and I get that. I just need to do what I need to do and not let them affect me. Energy is definitely very contagious but I don’t want to get sucked in to that. I worked this fucking hard to get to where the fuck I am now. There is no way anyone’s energy or attitude is going to phase me. No way. I’m just going to ignore and carry on my happy self.
Is it weird that since I’ve distanced myself from people I didn’t really care about to begin with make me happier? I don’t think I’ll ever forget how depressed I got because I cared so much about what other people thought of me. It reminds me that yeah.. your thoughts can be so powerful. Like legit… looking back I can’t believe I got myself in such a deep hole. And its actually fucking hard to crawl your way out which I thought was going to be easy but its not. Feelings are seriously stronger than I ever thought they could be. But I experienced it and I have no regrets because you know what ONE DAY.. LOL I will hit my mid-life crisis and I’ll know to never let myself think that way again because I’ve been through it and there is absolutely NO BENEFIT. At all. No wants to do something for nothing and I’m likewise. I don’t know I just feel really optimistic for some reason. And I’ve got my mojo back haha. I don’t even care how many times I’m going to fail or fucked up shit happen to me or hard times because some reason I feel really mentally prepared. Or maybe its just all the books I’m reading. Who knew I would be fucking reading? I didn’t even finish any book in my entire highschool and university schooling. Ever. But some reason these books I’m reading are so easy for me to read and finish in a matter of days. I honestly think I’ve found my passion and what I really want to do and how I’m going to get there. Like just working on things I love give me chills. Honestly it does and its like the weirdest thing. But I’m really motivated and I can actually not sleep and keep going. And its not like this motivating feeling lasted me a week or two its lasted me since the beginning of the year.
Honestly if I could give anyone advice.. I think the best advice would be to cut all the BS in your life. And everything starts falling into place in the weirdest and most coincidental ways.
My heads a little cloudy. I don’t know if I feel torn if I want to be crazy again and go out again or focus and isolate into my goals. I know I don’t have to be this extreme, but I know me, this is what works for me. I don’t want to lose my fun, outgoing side but I don’t want to lose my focus either. I wonder if it’s supposed to be like this? Sometimes I feel like I still am playing it too safe. Like I need to do more. Yeah I still self-doubt myself when an opportunity comes up and I get nervous and so anxious about those situations. Sounds silly but I’m learning techniques to control them. I just don’t want to stop myself from hitting goals because of the way my body reacts and the way my thoughts trigger it. It absolutely freaks me out if I fail but why would they consider me anyways? They obviously saw something in me. I need to be sure of myself even if the situation feels uncontrollable or stressful to think about. But anyways back to how I feel about feeling torn. Yeah sometimes I wonder if I’ll regret somethings. I feel like I should be doing more because I’m not risking enough to be this way but I wonder if its just the process. I could be going out and getting to know people again and I really do miss it but Idk I just feel so weird about it. Its like I’m okay with isolating myself, figuring out myself, bettering myself, feeling like I’m following my heart and really listening to myself because I know this is something I really want. I already knew. I need to listen to my heart more often instead of following my mind. I feel like actually taking the time to know myself I feel better being who I am. I know what I hate, I know what I like, I know what I want, yeah I’m more sensitive but I realized I repressed that because of other people, I’m more sensitive to other peoples feeling, I’m wise as fuck haha, I feel like I know my ambition again and its ignited again and honestly that FEELS SO GOOD. I know I want to be in a relationship and I feel like yeah I’m scared but I’m willing to risk it. You know this is probably the most vulnerable I have been in a long time. I grew up always caring what other people thought of me and how I should think that I didn’t even think for myself. And for once, I feel like I’m really doing things for me and things for other people because I truly want to. To feel like you have absolute control over your own self feels amazing. I realized I was too harsh with myself before. It’s not that I’m not pushing myself enough but everyone is different. Some things may work for you, some might not. And if I’m my own best friend I should treat her right. Even if everyone’s not supporting me or negative influences I know I’ll always have me. That I can support me when shit goes down. That doesn’t mean other people can’t or I won’t allow them to I definitely will. But having you root for you and doing whats best for you and that person really knows who you are, your intentions, your feelings.. why do you feel the need to explain yourself to people who will never understand. Yeah to people you care say those things because they aren’t physic but if they choose not to listen or believe know that she knows your true intentions and that you never EVER have to explain yourself.
Sometimes I feel like this journey to becoming who I want to become and hitting my goals makes me feel weird telling other people about it. Its like they don’t understand or they don’t understand yet. Even my closest and my family. I’ve read that sometimes you got to keep your goals to yourself because either they support you, don’t approve, have their own opinions, shoot it down, or how do you say it don’t care. Yeah I guess I’m a little sensitive and when I feel unsupported sometimes I pull away because I’m offended. Idk my mindset is just different or what I really want is different. Like doing this is making me so serious. And yeah I miss my old self like my personality. I know I don’t have to compromise that but sometimes it feels like I am because I’m so focused or I don’t want to be around things that aren’t aligned with my goals. If I can make a solution and find one that would give me that balance that would be ideal. I need to know how to knock off work mode and switch over to relax and just have fun and vice versa. You know what I will figure it out. If its a problem, I’ll figure everything about it possible, find the best solutions, and apply. Practice makes perfect.
I think its absolutely useless to be selfish. Not entirely, I mean still be selfish in your goals and who you want to become but don’t be selfish when it comes to jobs, gains, achievements, or just getting that one step ahead of someone else. Like being vindictive or wanting a certain job over your friend. I’m not going to lie I do feel that way sometimes. I do but I realize its just human. I am an extremely competitive type of person. I like to do better and always even around my peers. But I realized there is absolutely no gain. And it took me to be around completely selfless people to realize that. That you can congratulate one another even when it was something you wanted. That you guys are there for each other when shits goes down. I guess I was always just surrounded by mostly selfish people, people who cared mostly only about themselves. I was one too I’m not lying haha but I’m working on it. But being around people who are selfish makes you want to be extra competitive to getting your way. And you don’t want to be selfless with them because they are selfish. It was nice to just be around people who are completely selfless. It makes you feel like why did I have to feel the need to compete anyways. What do I gain? Besides feeding my ego when I get it and ashamed of myself when I don’t. Why invest so much into things that are absolutely uncontrollable? Why not just do your VERY best at everything you do and keep it moving. Why compare yourself to others when you great and amazing at what you are and what you do. You don’t care because you know how valuable you are that those feelings and stupid shit doesn’t even touch you because you know your value. Wouldn’t that be great? To feel like nothing can touch you because you know what you bring to the table. If someone doesn’t want you, move on. And keep on moving on. There’s always that someone that’s going to say yes. I just feel so much more at peace with myself when I don’t have to fill myself up with greed. And to only do things you want that you are deeply interested in. All or nothing baby.
Okay I need to clear my head. It just feels stressed. Like that cloudy feeling you get in the front of your head. Well I did an interview today for the position I want but slightly different. And it stressed me out the more it reminded me of my last job. The way the two interviewers were describing the position to me. All that popped up in my head was that previous job I did. It’s a big deal well.. feels like one because I got fired in that job. And I’m not going to lie it made me feel worthless. I was so angry, frustrated about that that situation that happened. And it made me doubt myself so much. I always knew I wasn’t doing the best job at it. But I kept pushing through because everyday was a new day that I could conquer again. That job made me so stressed out all the time. I even brought the stress home. I had about 2 weeks of training there but I felt like alot of the times I couldn’t figure out how to do something. It was always something new that I was never taught to deal with. I had to figure out a lot of things myself. And when I made a mistake noone would correct me until way later. And remembering how people were so rude that called and not knowing how to deal with them. I guess I’m scared. I might not even get the job for it yet and I’M SO STRESSED LOL. Like wtf. I guess I’m scared of feeling that way again and failing. I HATED that feeling. HATED. I never thought I would get fired for anything. As much as I knew that I wasn’t great at it. I ALWAYS tried to push myself even if I didn’t understand wtf I was doing. Instead my boss was rude and basically referenced me dumb. You know.. when shit like that comes from someone’s mouth you can help but feel resentment. Did I enjoy my experience there you ask? No. I didn’t LOL. I was always stressed out. I was constantly annoyed that millions of people had to ask me to do this and do that while multitasking the phone and doing contracts and assignments that needed to be finished today and also selling people shit and they wanted try on this and that. And all I was thinking about was getting my shit done before the end of the day. Not only that but even asking for help felt like stupid. Like I couldn’t even ask anyone for help when I needed it.
Maybe it was just that job, but it deathly scares me of this one I just interviewed for and that’s why its stressing me out. I know my skills are not that up to par yet. Like dealing with people on the phone about issues or shit I have no idea about freaks me out. I get nervous on the phone sometimes well not sometimes most of the time is because I’m kind of deaf LOL.. If someone is infront me I can hear the situation a lot better and even if I didn’t hear it properly its like my energy just comes off as very friendly that they are forgiving however on the phone ALL that shit goes way. They don’t get to see me so all they hear is my voice. And they really are less forgiving. If you asked me what I’m scared of the most.. its that I can’t handle it. That I wouldn’t know what to do in those type of situations or how to fix it. Yeah.. not knowing what to do is is what I am scared of the most. I have alot of a pride and all that stupid shit but I realize that you got to set that aside. Its scare the fucking shit out of me but I fee like I need a chance to redeem myself. As much as it does, I want to know if I can handle it. Cause if I can I’ll be so proud of myself. I’m just thinking if I do another job that requires me to be micromanaged, not independent, and not challenging enough how I would feel. What I see is that I will not be challenged, I will not grow, I will not be outside of my comfort zone, and what can that do for my future. I want to own my own business one day. I’m going to have to deal with these type of things. For the life I dream of and want I got to suck it up and do it if I want to grow. Yeah I may suck at certain things but you best believe that I will ALWAYS try my hardest. Always. And I will always try to learn faster and better and become a better listener. I can go through life without feeling a thing. Na da. But what kind of life would that be? I’m not trying to assume the worst, but I will be prepared for it. For all the lows the shitty days, I just need to know that I can do anything and solve anything. And just GET IT DONE. And let go of that stress or use it to my advantage. And if I get fired fuck it LOL I’ll try to work two jobs at the same time so I’ll still have one really good reference LOL. But I will try my hardest and I’m doing it for me to know that I can. And it is something I’m interested in. So that helps. So I decided I will take it if I am offered.
It kind of reminds me of a time when I was working somewhere else. And we both started working at the same time but later on she had so much power over all of us because she took initiative despite what other people told her. And she stuck to her guns and it worked and she did it with a smile on her face. I want to be able to do that that through this process that I will not EVER doubt myself and that I trust myself. No matter how frustrated I get. That I can figure out and that I don’t need to depend on someone else. From now on, if I am ever thrown anything to do I will just do it. Figure out what needs to be known and DO IT. I need to grow up and just do it. I need to think of it as an investment for the future.