I’m trying to be more aware of myself. I do realize that I do get easily angry. Maybe its just lately or something but I catch myself. I think its good to be aware of how you naturally react to certain situations. Well its important to me because sometimes my feelings and how I feel at the moment absolutely control my actions and what I do about it. I’m taking babysteps. LOL… way harder than it seems. But I realized lately now that I’ve isolated myself a bit from other people I know what I want more. On the negative side its made me have a little less tolerance to people’s bullshit LOL I guess that’s a good thing because I don’t want to people please no more. It’s werid when you start to pull yourself away even for a little while you realize who you are again. You realize what goals you wanted again. You realize and are aware of finally becoming the person you always wanted to be. I think sometimes when you surround yourself with so many people for so long you forget about you. I’m not going to lie yeah I still feel insecure about comparing myself with what other people I know are doing. But its deadly to get into that game of catch-up. I’ve done it. And you just lose yourself. Like your ego your shit just gets in the way. I think people don’t realize if you were outside looking in on “these people” its that they are just like you. Insecure, can’t trust everybody, etc. But they have this life like they have it all together and they’re having fun. It couldn’t be more false. I know cause I’ve been friends with them. I’m not saying it isnt fun. It is. But its usually just chasing girls, stroking ego, and no humility. Behind that scene when you get to know them in a personal level all i see is someone who is insecure, scared, like anybody else but with more issues sometimes. Yeah theres always one or two that really do have their shit together but its really rare. I don’t want to have to lose myself again. I want to know in most situations that at least I can control who I am. That’s my goal.
Omg.. this job is absolutely driving me insane!! The waiting is driving me crazy. I’ve never had to wait a month and half almost two months now for a fucking job. Like who does this? Maybe i should look at it as training exercise since i like everything instantly. Maybe this is how the real world is like? But man do I just want to punch a wall. I’m just so frustrated. I have another job interview in about 2 weeks. And at this moment, I don’t want to go through any more hassles as much as I did for the first one. But fuck it, at this time and moment I’m going to take whatever comes at me first for one of these two jobs. Sometimes I get so consumed with my emotions that I can’t even make a rational decision and that’s when my friends come in and make decisions for me that I would have done for myself if I could be detached and rational about it. So thank god for them because I can be so stupid when I get so consumed.
And not only that my muscle strain has not completely healed yet. I have another week. It is getting better but I’ve been itching to workout and I can’t and its throwing off my whole schedule and habits. I know it shouldn’t but it’s my mind doing that. I want to be able to rest completely so I can get a speedy recovery. But I just want to go ham working out because I am so stressed out as stupid as it is. I need exercise. And my balance back.
I’ve been working out way too hard that I ended up hurting a muscle.. -__-. I guess I’m disabled for a few weeks until I recover. But since I’m stuck here why not think about life again? LOL.. But to be completely honest I really am happy. I remember last year I was so depressed that every time I drifted off thinking I would question what was wrong with me and how to fix it. I was literally obsessed. I absolutely agree with people who went through depression that you absolutely cannot just snap out of it like that. It takes real work. I know I lead to my own because I was just thinking stupid. But when you get to a certain point you seriously feel like you can’t get out. So I give props to anyone who’s gone through it because it takes real inner strength to get the fuck out of there. It’s like a hell hole that keeps grabbing you by the leg and dragging you back down everytime you try to get out. Thinking positive absolutely is not the answer when you are that deep down. You have to figure yourself out and then be positive. I know I worked my way into depression. I remember stupidly before wondering how it would feel to be depressed.. LOL.. I’m going to be honest I’m not a very emotional person even though I come off as I am. I really am not. Especially when shit goes down. I’m always the one with the poker face but dying in the inside feeling every possible emotion possible. But you would never see that out of me and I act like everything is normal or I do the best possible thing to solve the issue at the moment. I guess that sounds like I am emotional but the problem I mostly have is that I feel these strong emotions so bad but I can’t speak of it. Like when I’m talking about my feelings nothing comes out. It’s like the feeling like you are making a speech in front of thousands of people and how you get so nervous you stutter, you lose your words. When I speak about things that really bother me or is just emotionally heavy I can’t make out those words and I get that feeling. But I’m working on it. I’m trying to really let people in and see those times. It’s hard for me to appear weak but I am really trying. And trying is honestly better than not doing anything at all.
Anyways time for an update on my life lately. Although I’m done my program. I’m still working everyday on certifications, licenses, getting fit, reading, and learning as much as I can. I’m not working right now because I am still waiting a for job that is just taking forever and that keeps teasing me every week or two that they want me. So I’ve been unemployed for a month an half since I was done my program. And everyday I learn for about 6-7 hours a day. And work out for at least 2-3 hours. And I still make time for my friends. I’m so glad I cut out partying. Because now I spend time making moves to where I want to be, spend time with people I adore and meet new ones as well, and instead of partying I go on trips. My trips though however are my exceptions. If I am outside of my city, I am definitely partying hahah. I’m just tired of people in my city. Nothing new, nothing productive, nothing but bullshit and gossip. I also feel like I know myself alot better too. I think I always knew who I was even before the recent party phase. I was just inexperienced and I felt like I was missing out. Even though I already had it good to begin with. With the great friends, With my goals in line. That part that I felt was missing when I was younger was that I wanted more of a social life, wanted to party recklessly, wanted to do stupid shit. But my friends at the time were more like timid I guess like didn’t really take as big risks as I do and they didn’t want to go to parties like I did even when I was invited. So I found it kind of hard and I didn’t really make friends easily back then either because I was closed off and shy. I can’t explain how a person goes from closed off and shy to outgoing. You just got to feel comfortable and force yourself to be. Anyways yeah so at time I was partying with one or two girlfriends that weren’t them to party with guys but I still felt like I missed like partying with a crew of girls that had eachothers back. So when I had that I just went nuts in partying. Well I did for straight 4 years. I think sometimes we do things because we feel like we didn’t do it when you were younger or whatever that you want to do it now. But now that I’ve been through it, it’s like nothing mysterious to me anymore. I literally played it out that I was starting to party with people several years older than me. And when that happened I looked at these guys that were 30-33 or even older and the girls 25 – 29 like wtf? It was kind like I looked at them and then I thought about how I would be a few years later and that could possibly be me if I stayed here. i guess that was the turning point. Because if I knew if I turned out like that, that I would be so SO unhappy and that was not how I wanted my life to be at all. It’s not like their lives sucked. It just felt meaningless to me. They had these guys that were rich and the girls would be gold diggers. Your still partying and having fun. Relaxing. But there was cheating, no loyalty, backstabbing. I don’t know, even without the backstabbing or cheating or whatever I know I still wouldn’t be happy. I need to know and want to be successful on my goal and know that I attained my goals. Cause no matter what even if I had a great love life and social life it still would meaning nothing to me if I was unsuccessful. I know it seems like I’m placing a huge emphasis on success but being selfish and knowing you can do something is super important to me.