I always tend to look back in my life and wonder how I get to where I am at the present moment. And all these quotes of wisdom got me tripping hahah. It got me thinking about how each individual quote was personalized to me. Like how each quote reminds me a certain time of my life and the situation and what happened. But I gotta say, I feel like genuinely feel like I am really making the right moves. No I’m not trying to be one of those people who are positive about everything and anything. LOL.. that just wouldn’t be me. I’m realistic but optimistic. I used to think with my head alot. Well I mean I still do but I realized what people mean now when they say to think with your heart. What does your heart want. I used to do things because logically that was what was best for me. But I realized in life.. you can’t always think that way. I realized that’s why I was so lost before. I only thought about my ego, my status, what would be beneficial for me, what was the right thing a friend would do, or what was the right thing to do for anything. I realized I dismissed my feelings all the time. I would ignore them either because I didn’t want to deal with it, didn’t know how to deal with it, or dismissed it because someone else was hurting. I did things because that’s what my head thought was right but doing so I compromised myself. I lost myself. Who I really was anymore. When you get you so caught up with other people you don’t know what you want. Whether in relationships or whatever, I couldn’t help but do things for them and care about what they thought that I did it so long that I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore or if I even wanted something different. I don’t think people talk about this much but your feelings are like your heart. It tells you when something is over and it won’t go away until you really listen closely and do what you know what you’ve always knew to do but didn’t. But you have to listen really really closely and understand why you honestly feel that way. I think it’s really important to never lose yourself and to always listen to yourself. Don’t be that person that’s a people pleaser or worse doesn’t know who they are anymore, you just lose your originality and why people loved you to begin with.
I think its natural to feel competitive and want something even if your friend has it. I know its a terrible thing to say but come on lets keep it real. Don’t tell me you never felt jealous because your friend got something you’ve always wanted. At the end of the day I’m human. Of course I feel terrible for feeling this way because my close friend got the job or got the same steps. Obviously being the one who got in and got called you want to get in faster rather than waiting to get in. But one thing I really hate about these type of things is that I couldn’t control how I feel. I hated that feeling that I couldn’t control that adrenaline rush. I was literally shaking when someone called me cause I thought it was them. I just wanted to write and get the feeling out because it always had helped me to write out how I feel. It’s like I throw away the feeling I felt at that time. Anyways, lesson learned, that you can’t control things that are uncontrollable but how you react to them is the most important. I want to be able to, one day, be able to only feel happy when my close friends get something they’ve always wanted without any jealousy even if it was something I wanted myself. Because at the end of the day, I would have wanted and wished them to have done the same thing for me.
I hate my bffs… LOL… I haven’t seen them in a while and I told them E messaged me. I’ve talked about her before and I said I was gonna cut her off because I was re-evaluating our relationship. But they keep saying we used to be like sisters and we used to do everything together. That is true. Like I have said before I never felt that closeness with her and the several times I did feel close to her it was broken multiple times. I can’t believe I’m saying this but .. fine I’ll give her one more chance. I’m not going to be around her friends though, I hope she supports me and what I’m doing, I’ll try harder in our relationship, however… if we drift because of our differences than there is absolutely nothing I can do anymore. I will try to still support her but if she gets irrational with me its over.
I think sometimes people make rash decisions based on their emotions and its takes about a day or two to really process it and make the right decision. I mean I’ve processed this relationship with E for a long time. But my friends are making re-think. Omg I hate them for making me feel a little guilty. At the end of the day, I will always be a push over when its comes to people who were really close to me. But this will be the absolute last chance.
I finally got a reply back from where I wanted to work ideally. I told my friends I`ve met in the program I was because I want to share with them that I finally got it. One of my friends was super happy for me but the other one was like wth I messaged them and they have even replied to me. She was already doing her practicum there and she was hired but apparently noone responded back to her. Initially I felt really guilty like you told me about that post to apply to. But then when were talking about it even more she asked when I applied and I applied on the 21st and she told me she applied on the 19th. But I completely remember her telling to apply for the post on the 24th. I already applied for jobs way beforehand and I happened to already have applied for that post. So I was wondering wth? You tell me to apply for it way after you? I get it you were there first and obviously look out for yourself first. But I don`t know if I am wrong for feeling this way but Its like I told her I got a reply and the first thing she does was email her manager and its like she took my job away. I`ve looked at the positions I`ve applied for and the day she told me shes hired and she got in that position closed. Like I am kinda mad that she took that away from me but at the same time I would feel guilty if I never told her that I got that position. It`s like when I told her was the issue for me. Yes, she did good luck but it was like half-assed. Like she wanted it more than me. Like I get it but as your friend I would expect you to support me and actually genuinely be happy that I got it. Because honestly before this, apparently she was suppose to tell me and gf to finish our papers to get into that place we wanted to get into but she didn`t because she said she forgot but she did them and got in. Like initially I was mad at my instructor. But now I wonder if shes one of those girls that are only happy for you when you are not doing better than them. Yeah, I admit I was kinda pissed that I didn`t get it for the practicum and she got it but at that moment I pushed aside my feelings because I genuinely was happy that she got it. I would rather have one of my closer classmates get it than anyone else. But I wonder if I should even feel guilty. I don`t know if you understand what I mean but.. its like when you`re really good friends with someone they care about your feelings first, and you do the same with them because thats just the way you guys are with eachother. That you would say whoever gets it, gets it No harsh feelings and that we would congratulate each other even if you didn`t get it yourself but with her I wonder. Like she`ll be like oh sorry or bitter that she didn`t get it. Like doesn`t even really care. I dont`know maybe I`m tripping but I don`t think she would help me as much as I would help her.
Write down all your fears and label it as your to-do list. This is exactly what I’m going to do.
1. being vulnerable
2. caring what other people think of you
3. being insecure
4. caring if your bothering someone too much to get what you want
5. being embarrassed
6. that you’ll let self-doubt sabotage you or affect you
7. that you’re not disciplined enough
8. not having direction to where you want to be in the future
9. always being in my comfort zone because i just feel like it
10. not being financially stable
11. being unhealthy and unfit
12. never falling in love
13. never being able to experience every feeling
14. being scared to ask for help or a mentor
15. to fail
16. to be full of hate and bitterness
17. being selfish, egotistical, too prideful, thinking you’re better than others
18. to forget about your friends, family, and personal life and only focus on your goals
19. to be vengeful
20. to be overly criticizing yourself
21. to be afraid of taking risks
22. to only be making someone else happy and not yourself
22 fears for how old I am.
To do list
1. being vulnerable
2. not caring what other people think of you
3. being insecure and accepting it and becoming secure with all your flaws and all
4. not caring if your bothering someone too much to get what you want – just be grateful
5. being embarrassed and accepting it, own it
6. that you’ll let self-doubt that usually sabotages you or affect you to pass right by you – know that it is just a thought, it doesn’t mean its true
7. be disciplined – make habits, do them whether you feel like it or not
8. having direction to where you want to be in the future – have time frames and steps to each goal
9. always being outside of your comfort zone whenever you get the chance
10. being financially stable
11. being healthy and fit
12. allow yourself to fall in love
13. being able to experience every feeling
14. ask for help or a mentor
15. fail and keep failing that’s the only way to learn
16. to be full of love, gratitude, and happiness
17. being selfless, humble, and believing everyone is equal
18. to never forget about your friends, family, and personal life no matter how focused you are on your goals
19. to acknowledge you want be vengeful at times but know that karma will do its job – don’t waste your time on negative things it only affects you and hurts you in the end
20. to acknowledge your not perfect, that nothing has to be absolutely perfect, that its okay
21. to acknowledge risks are scary and you’re going to do it anyways
22. to always consider your happiness first before you consider another and compromise if you know that person is a good one
“Your life will only become limitless when you become fearless.”
I don’t know what it is. I can’t even sleep a full night without waking up half-way. I don’t know if it’s because I’m constantly stressing out about my future. Well I’m not stressed out but like I think its go to my subconscious or something like if I’m not doing things that my mind is aligned with I get stressed out. You know that feeling like you’ve been working on a math problem too long like you get brain fag or you’ve been working too hard too long on something. That’s the feeling I constantly get. Maybe I’m just thinking too much or maybe my body’s telling me to seriously focus on my goals. It’s funny you know? Like brain fag usually leads people to give up and give their mind a break but I don’t do that. I just keep going. It doesn’t stop me. I realize when that happens I just have to work out or do something that completely exhausts me to refocus again. I actually do think it’s my body telling to get my shit together and really focus. I know it sounds stupid but its like the same thing when I eat like crap my body NEEDS to be healthy again — it just won’t allow me to otherwise I feel like shit and I need to do something to change it. I hate feeling scattered and if you can tell by writing you’ll see that I am. I’m going to regain focus tomorrow – bright and early. Time to get it all over again.