You know sometimes I feel like I go through dips where I feel really vulnerable for a day or two for no reason and then everyone’s offending me LOL. I’ve wrote about this before and maybe this is just a thing I go through and I just have to wait for it to pass. I hate the feeling because I hate feeling insecure and vulnerable especially. I think that may be the reason why when people offend me or if it doesn’t anger me, it makes me doubt myself like I did something wrong, and why I take it so strongly is because I don’t know how to handle that feeling. Because when that does happen, I just keep criticizing myself. I’m extremely hard on myself. I mean I’ve always been. But I need to keep reminding myself that nothing is perfect. All you can do is the best you can and try to figure out solutions. There are going to be days where you do everything right and some person is going to take it wrong and its not your fault. I gotta keep reminding myself that it’s the way I respond to things because that way I can control me. I may not be able to control the things that happen but I definitely can control the things that happen to me and how I take it.

Like I’ve said numerous times, feelings really are a mindfuck. You just gotta keep telling yourself that if those feelings don’t have a purpose or aren’t beneficial for you, throw it away and don’t bother dwelling in it. Just keep focusing on what you were originally focusing on.

Sometimes I don’t we realize how much a person who is mature really takes. Like seriously, to be able to ignore petty feelings, petty words, and to be able to control and withhold yourself. I mean, damn, that takes a lot of will power. To not let words offend you? To let things go? To rise above it? ALOT harder than it seems. Coming from a hothead myself, I seriously give props to every single person that has mastered being mature especially to immature people. Luckily, I haven’t dealt with alot of immature people lately. At times, I do find it hard to be mature, I feel like I want to snap on people being rude. But sometimes those people are your friends and they have treating you nice this whole time and maybe they just had a bad day. I want to master being mature but there is always that one thing that bothers me is that I don’t want them to think I’m weak. Like I can’t say something back. That is my only fear about being mature. I want to be able to be mature but want the person to know that you can’t fuck with me like that. Why does everything have to be a delicate balance?! haha. Drives me nuts. But anyways ever since I’ve been pulling myself away from negative people it has made a positive impact in my life. Oh and there is one sad thing I’ve come to realize as well, that alot of people are negative. And another thing is that gossip and talking shit between girls is what keeps them close. You know when I sit in the front and I’m with these girls all day long, it’s draining when they complain about the patients. We don’t talk shit about eachother or their coworkers and that’s really good. I mean for now they aren’t mentioning it at least. But you know when they get along over these type of things like talking shit about patients.. idk it’s just not my thing. It reminds me of my last job and all we did was gossip I don’t want to be sucked into that again. Like I’m over it. I’m not going to lie, at one point or should I say many points of my life, I’ve done it too. But now if it’s not going to grow me, I don’t want to partake in it. Like if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it, just do what you were going to do. I mean ok if a patient is really really rude to you then fine go apeshit if you want to if they are really being unreasonable but I mean when its over little things and maybe their just being annoying WHO CARES? There a patient, and yeah some people have more annoying personalities then some but did you not expect that you had to deal with these type of things when you got the job? I don’t mean to talk shit about people I’ve did work with but it’s just a little irritating to be around all this negativity. Yeah wth is wrong with me haha I’ve never run from anything and negativity is really becoming one of the first things I’ve ran away from.

I really hope I can continue this whole year, weeding out the bad ones, and becoming who I want to become and really believe in myself when the whole day has made me self doubt myself.