If you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know that I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mom. I guess I just never could forgive the past. I think it will always hurt 20x more when someone you love or someone you thought would always protect you say something harsh to you than a friend or a stranger. Things that have been said or done have really hurt me deeply. So it was kinda weird. Like a day or two ago, my mom and I were discussing something about the house and about building an extra room. I said there was no point as I said in 5 years I’ll be gone. I will be by that time. I’ll be 27. I’m not going to stay home for the rest of my life. I want to get out there and fend for myself and know I can. Later on.. after that discussion, she came up to me and told me I’ve really upset her and I was like here we go again must be something I’ve done again but I was surprised she said it was because I was going to move out. That, that really upset her. She was asking me questions like why and are you really going to do it. I kept saying yeah I was it was something I really wanted but I saw her start crying and I felt so bad… LOL…. and she told me she was going to cry. I ended up saying I wasn’t even sure yet, but I really am sure. Sometimes I look at my mom and wonder if she really does care about me or not and I guess for once I finally got that she does. Sometimes I think I don’t really mean much to her but her crying weirdly made me happy. She would say things like she loved me before but it use to always feel like she was lying or when she would try to get close to me I would budge away. I know I look like the worst daughter ever but it is because of the past and how she was with me that has made me like this. I’m completely opposite with my dad. The mom I grew up with and the mom I have today are completely opposite from what I remember. So it’s hard for me to really know how I feel. I hope one day I can completely forgive my mom for who she is now and completely forget about the past.
And about me moving out, I will be considerate to my mom however I can’t let my parents decide what I do and don’t do anymore. I’ve listened to them my whole life. I mean they’ve guided me well but if I had a decision about going to uni or not. I wouldn’t have. Not that I don’t think education is important but that I wish I knew what I really wanted to do and I wish I did that by doing jobs that were in that field right off the bat instead of me going to uni trying to figure out what I really wanted that has left me in HUGE debt. That’s one thing I really would have wished for. Because even now, I think I know what I want to be doing but there are things like business which I am also very interested in. I believe you got to gradually find what you are interested in and applying it in the work field to really find out if you really want it. But yeah, like I was saying I can’t let my parents decide what I want to do anymore and I can’t let them slow me down. Of course, I care about my mom’s feelings, but I got to be selfish now. I gotta do things for me. And ultimately, the fruits of my labour will be given to my mom and my family as well. I just want to accomplish all the things I want to do and to be able to be independent and without my parents enabling me in things such as money and my bills. I get they want me to stay but you’re going to have to let me go eventually.