I guess I write in this only when I’m sad right. I guess happy people don’t need journals haha. Sometimes I don’t know if I should cry when I’m feeling sad or just hold it in and move on. I heard that its only supposed to only take 10 minutes to feel hurt, pain, and anything after that is your own doing. Overthinking. Looking at the past, anything. It took me being very angry at someone random to realize how I’ve been treating m. I feel bad because all she does is just let me have my way. But being the recipient of feeling that inferior earlier made me realize how she feels when she isn’t winning the battle. I was literally shaking cause I was so angry. And that hasn’t happened since the day I wanted to beat that girl up for talking shit about me and my bestfriends. But this isn’t the important thing or the thing that’s making me sad.
I overheard my m talking on the phone. She was saying how she was getting bullied at work and that makes me really sad. She knew I was coming out to the living room and so she went into her bedroom and closed the door so I wouldn’t hear her conversation. But I stuck by the hallway just to listen to what she was talking about and I could hear it because she was yelling and she was explaining how angry she was. I heard her say that she was working and she uses at a knife at where she works. She was chopping and suddenly her hand started to start uncontrollably so she stopped and went to sit down. But her boss came down and saw her and yelled at her and pointed at her screaming at her to get back to work. Her boss said all these malicious things to her and she says it only happens to her. And I know this isn’t the first time she got bullied at work. She used to get bullied by her coworkers too. And her reason why she withholds saying anything is because she wants to keep her job. My m doesn’t speak english very well so she doesn’t have a lot of choices for her job. And I just feel so bad. She works for us. To support us. And I feel so bad… that she has to not tell her boss what’s going on with her hand and for staying in a miserable place to support me.
And I’m being so selfish lately only thinking about me and my happiness and where I’m going at life that I didn’t notice. I never got along with m, we had a bad history if you look bad at what I wrote before, but at the end of the day she does what she can for us even when shes unhappy. She doesn’t have anyone else here, no friends, just family members but sometimes she doesn’t even talk to them either.
It makes me want to work harder faster and sooner to support her so she no longer has to work there. It might explain why she’s been so lazy lately and not doing anything and getting yelled at by my d. But I didn’t realize maybe her hand was hurt. I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I promise I will do most of the work without asking you to, and without you getting yelled at. My solution work hard, make alot of $$, save up, be responsible, and be glad i don’t have all the problems in the world.
And theres no way I’m falling back into d. I’m not letting it happen. And its stupid anyways.
But other than that, I’ve been doing really good. I’m happy where I am in life which is probably why I have no need to be writing lately. Or looking for my outlet out. Everything seems to be falling into place. Yeah I may encounter a few obstacles once in a while in life but I find the solutions. And to be honest I wouldn’t have life any other way. It would just be boring. I’ve learned what means alot to me and what doesn’t. One thing I always say that’s really important in anyone’s life is balance. Trust me, you’ll understand it one day.