Omg I think it’s really happening. You know it’s true what they say, watch what you wish for because it might just come true. I realized I’ve become way too dependent on someone in my life, D. To be honest, D kind of controlled it in a way. I felt like nothing without D. Like without D I wasn’t as popular, strong, well-known, outgoing, real, myself, confident without her. It’s kind of weird to say that because with her I realized I am all those things when I let go of trying to be conservative, not hurt anyones feelings, being a people pleaser, wanting to be liked, wanting to go out with someone. I realized when I had D as my back up, my ride or die, I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. It was weird because when that did happen I started to really enjoy myself and everything that was going on through the ups and downs. But D is telling me she might be leaving soon because she has to go somewhere. To be honest I don’t know when she’s coming back. I actually feel like crying that she’s leaving. But I don’t want to hold anyone back from what they want. Of course I’ll miss her.
You know when she first told me that, this feeling is not what I felt. I felt anxious, scared, and a little like what am I going to do now. D was my social life, completely. She was the one who always introduced to everyone she knew. Never hiding anyone from me. She would invite me out even if I felt awkward around them, even if she knew I guess, but she always asked me to go. It actually made me get rid of my fear of being awkward. In the beginning I honestly never felt comfortable around her and I still kind of question if I do after this long of a time. There were times I felt completely myself around her and there were days I just wasn’t comfortable. If I felt off I wouldn’t go see her.
The first feeling I did when she did tell me was being scared and anxious. It was because of the thought of the all the people she introduced to me and I felt like since I don’t talk to them what are they going to think of me one day when they see me out again without D or with those type of people no more. It’s like that feeling when you feel someone is living a better life than you. Like what if I’m with someone that I consider not popular or I was embarrassed where I was going. I always wanted to seem like I was living better the next time they see me. It’s weird writing this out, because as I write down my fear of seeing these people again with someone else, it just sounds stupid LOL. Yeah ok they’ll see me so what. If I am embarrassed to be with that person why am I with them!? If I’m embarrassed about what I’m doing why am I doing it in the first place? I have to realize that I am the one who considers if my life is better than theirs in my own way to not have that feeling. What are they going to say? Even if they say like look who she’s chilling with now. How far does that hurt anyways? It’s just a word. Even if they said it multiple times I don’t think I’ll care anymore. I realized being around those people and expecting not to get hurt is impossible. Someone no matter who it is will have something bad to say about you no matter what — even if there is no reason. It’s just about standing up for yourself and developing thicker skin. Who cares about bitching about it, it brings you no where.
Well back to that first feeling I had. It was a terrible thing to say when she was leaving and that was my first thought. I don’t know if its a blessing in disguise or not. Or if life is trying to force to go for what I want on my own. I’ve always wanted the social life without someone’s power. And some reason with D I felt like she had most of it and she controlled it and to be honest I hated it alot. I questioned myself why I didn’t take things further with some people. Most of them were just guys that just wanted to fuck me so I didn’t bother and the girls were sluts, fake, and backstabbers so I didn’t want to even bother. But through the players and whores I did meet alot of people that were geniune and good. I felt like myself with them. But one problem was, was that I couldn’t further our relationship even if I really did like them and I know I was always the one who pulled back not them. That was when I knew there was a problem with me and not people I surrounded myself around. I’m still working on this because it is kind of a major part of trying to establish friendships that I can’t seem to get and to be honest it’s stopping me from being happy. I can’t seem to be completely vulnerable and let myself get backstabbed sometimes. I’m not saying I should put myself out there to get backstabbed but I think I really do try really hard to prevent myself from getting really hurt because I know I will be. I think it’s honestly time to just stop thinking about what that person is going to do to me and just let it happen– good or bad.
I’ve wished for a social life I want to control. Where most of the friends I’ve either made myself or maintained from other friends or school, or wherever I’ve met them. And I’m wondering if it’s happening now because it really feels like it is. It’s weird because I’m so used to staying in the “comfort zone” where if I had someone like D to do the social part for me I never would have to. But the problem is I don’t grow. I find maintaining connections and a social life is the hardest thing for me. Not even calculus or chemistry!! LOL I really wish I knew how and could maintain every single one and be that social butterfly on my own. I know I’m likeable, actually people have told me they liked me more than. I like having connections with people and being around people. I enjoy it. I actually feel like I’m living for once. Doing things they invite me to. And one day I wish to be able to do open invitations so other people can come to my events or outings and have fun. I want to be that connector.
As crazy as it has been, and as much drama it has been with D. I learned alot of good things from her. She taught me how to be a good friend to people you just met whole heartly without judgment. She taught me how to fall in love with someone despite all the things you could see that can go wrong and just follow your heart. She taught me that its okay to feel embarrassed or ashamed of something that happened that everyone knew as long as you quickly move on. She taught me to be able to even see good in the worst people that I would have never trusted. She also taught me not to spend so much money unless it was a bag. She also taught me that its ok to date younger or older or be friends with younger or older people even though I still have that problem. She’s taught me to get to know someone even if its boring at first, awkward, weird or whatever and just pull through and invite them into your life til you really know them. She has really taught me alot without even knowing. It’s true when they say people walk in your life for a reason. And I think D is a huge reason.