- The life balance score sheet – attached are some notes from the exercise today, please read through it and change ANYTHING you feel doesn’t accurately reflect what you think.
Career – 5 – feel like i can be more capable, feel like i know i can do more and better than where i am, i do feel like i have genuine friendships at work that make work much easier and more enjoyable, not happy not sad. In this area, I want a job I’m proud of no matter what anyone says.
Studies- 5 -because I know I do like what I’m in and health science is something that i’m interested in but i do feel like i’m not as motivated as like I was before (It could be due to the fact that I feel like other’s people opinion influence me like i’m almost embarrassed to be working where I am and I’m not proud of it) and for school most people I partied with don’t go to school and I guess I compare my life with theirs and how they are enjoying their life and making friends and knowing people and that is something I want. Every want for me always becomes a need until I get it. So yes I feel like they distract me and make me feel less of a person. In this area, I want to more focused, organized, diligent and also reach my goals.
Money- 4 – I really could be saving more. Saving it for the future but like I said every want for me becomes a need. So if I see something I really really want or there’s something I really really want to do at the moment it will happen or I’ll find a way for it to happen. In this area I want to be more savvy with my money and organized.
Health- 6- I’m working out alot more often now. It keeps me busy and brings my energy up. I do have a goal I want to reach every month that is realistic as long as I eat right, workout, and follow my schedule. I buy my own groceries and make sure I make right choices now and still have cheat days where I don’t deprive myself or binge. In this area, I want to reach my goal weights and watch what I eat.
Friends- 5 – It’s in between for me. I can go from feeling like I like my alone time and go from wanting to have alot of friends. I sometimes feel very dependent on one of my friends that’s very outgoing. To be honest, I don’t really like that I feel that way. I want to have a life that is my own. To me it feels like a power thing. That if I lose her friendship my social life will be gone and I don’t like feeling that way either. She is a very good friend to me but there are times I feel I have to watch what I say to her. She tends to overreact. You can say that I don’t fully trust her. I feel like I tag-along even though I have met all her friends and even if they are receptive to me I tend to pull away. The reason why me and her became friends to begin with was to party. I have 5 really close bestfriends which are like family to me but they don’t like to do the same things I like to do at times which is partying with certain type of people and I got that from this friend. The more we hung out the closer we got but I never felt that connection like I do with my close bestfriends. I got that feeling at times but sometimes I couldn’t be my complete self. I do know that everyone will have a different connection with different people and I have accepted the fact that we probably will have this type of relationship and I’m fine with that. The only thing I don’t like is that I feel like I’m dragged along in her life even though she doesn’t feel that way. I do. I want to be able to have my own friends. I know this is a terrible thing to say but I feel like I have a status now and its restricted me from hanging out with certain people and made me not want to bring certain people with other people. Yes I know that this a reflection of myself by doing this. I agree that I am judgemental. I mean you would be lying if you admitted you weren’t. I know its because I care too much about what people think of me and who I’m friends with and who I’m with that has stopped me from being close to certain people. It has even stopped me from being myself at times and admit that sometimes I don’t have a lot going on. It’s weird to me because I feel like I do like hanging out with these people who I party with because I finally have people who get me. It was different from just my bestfriends where we did everything together. I just didn’t feel like I was growing and sometimes I wouldn’t hang out with them and rather stay home because I felt like what we were doing was becoming routine and boring. Even when they partied it just wasn’t what I enjoyed. They are my bestfriends but at times I felt like they were holding me back because they wouldn’t do this or that or stand up for me like I would for them or party with me the way I do or be a little wild or crazy. They were also afraid of doing certain things, getting judged, or whatever. I guess I got those traits amplified by hanging out with them so often for so long. When I met my friend that was outgoing, it was hard at first. I had to physically adjust and mentally prepare myself because I felt like I was so shy and didn’t know how to interact. But the more I pushed through and forced myself into situations it became more easy and comfortable. I finally felt like I was being myself. I was a lot happier. I enjoyed meeting new people and clicking with them. But one thing I noticed even though I was constantly meeting new people it was because of her. Some reason I just couldn’t be close to new people even though I really liked them and they liked me. I’m constantly questioning if its because I feel like I don’t have alot going on in my life, or I don’t know enough people, or I don’t have a high enough status or I’m not good enough. Or sometimes I feel like if we don’t click and I’m kind of forced to hang out with them because she asks them to come out it gets awkward. I know that’s normal but having to always go to events with them because she asks them makes it more awkward for me. I’m ok with that but I hate feeling awkward. In this area I want to make more connections, have more genuine friendships, have acquaintances, and have a social life where I have developed the relationships.
Family- 4- It’s not bad but this area could be better. Sometimes I feel like the energy I get from home is negative. I used to run away from the problems we were having at home, which is actually what lead me to partying in the first place. The problem was that my brother was schizophrenic and it took me a long time to really accept that fact. I’m finally at a place where I can talk about it and really make good decisions that can help my brother. This was particularly a hard time for me because I did feel like my parents were placing a burden on me partially putting the responsibility to me and I wasn’t at a time in my place to deal with it so I decided to ignore it and not deal with it at all. My parents aren’t good with english (they had translators and workers that did speak our language though) but at the time I was 17. My dad has said that I was being selfish by not wanting to go to the appointments with the psychiatrist. As traumatizing it was for them it was doubled that for me because in my mind I was thinking of what I was going to do make sure my brother who is 4 years older than me would have everything and would not have to work or worry about about anything financially in the future. My parents didn’t see alot of what I was planning or doing because I never mentioned it to them. And sometimes I felt like I had to tell them what I was doing so they would stop calling me selfish and inconsiderate. I was never the person to have to tell somebody else what I was doing to prove them wrong. I just do it and I just did it out of my heart. And the last place I was expecting to get that criticism was my parents so it was hard. I did alot that they didn’t see. That meant from having to keep secrets that my brother took multiple pills to overdose (he didn’t even have the clear mind to know that was wrong) and me having to call 911 or another medical practitioner to know what to do to make sure he was ok to me making sure he was making good decisions choosing friends (I’ve even have to verbally cuss out a guy that was a bad influence to him making him take drugs or mixing alcohol with drugs and to using him for money) to be open and receptive to what he really thinks and says because he wouldn’t tell certain things to my parents because they overreact to making sure he is alright at when he would have side effects from the pills which is controlled now. I didn’t let my parents know certain things because my mom almost got really sick over it and I just felt like I was the only stable one. So I dealt with the criticism they said to me. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind doing this for him at all. I will do anything for my brother even if it means me bitching out his friends that are 6 years older than me and having to deal with them. But its just hard when my parents don’t understand that and bad mouth me to other people that I don’t care because I’m not emotional or really open about things and no matter how much I told them the criticism bothered me it felt like they ignored it and still did it. So yes it is hard being in my home environment at times and even though it is not like that anymore now. I feel like I hold the grudge because at the random times they do tell me i’m inconsiderate or selfish it really hurts deep. So yes I don’t like being at home and I like to be busy as possible when at home or busy doing other things and not being home at all. But even we do hang out as a family its just not a happy environment. Noone really talks to eachother (it feels like strangers that live together) or someone fights when we are in outings together. And yes I don’t have a good relationship with my mother either. In this area, I would like to able to accept my family for who they are, wish we could be close but understand that not everyones relationship is the same, and provide for them in the future.
Romance- 2- I’ve always tend to push guys away when they get too close or feel vulnerable or feel like they’re really getting to know me. I have been told I have an intimacy problem because I don’t know what to do with it when it happens. Never had a boyfriend. I do realize that the guys I go through get confused with me because they feel like I like them when I’m around them but when I’m not they think I’m not interested in them. I’ve actually been told by alot of them that I became friends with after. I think vulnerability is the issue and trusting that they will like me with all my flaws. I do have a huge insecurity about my looks since elementary and highschool and I couldn’t go a day without makeup and lashes when around guys. Girls I don’t care as much. I actually got this insecurity from guys telling me I wasn’t pretty which almost felt like I was constantly told that which is maybe why I tend to push them away. In this area, I want to be able to just not care about my insecurities and stop it from limiting me, be open and honest, don’t runaway or ignore when they get close, and be vulnerable.
Personal growth -6- I think I know myself pretty well. I know my goals for the time being and what I would like in the future. In all these areas I have goals that I believe are personal growth so I don’t think I really need to discuss this part. Always room to grow.
It is a good idea to keep monitoring and trying to improve the score in each area as an ongoing exercise – Imagine how incredible life will be when each area is a 10! ☺
- Please also send me the written exercise when you can, that would be great – on what a perfect person is to you
A perfect person to me ..
On personality, goals, and aesthetics
A perfect person to me is a person who is witty, charming, social, a person who stands up for what she believes in and wants and for someone else who needs it, funny, caring, playful, easy-going, has a sense of humor, can see through the bullshit, confident, fun, spontaneous, adventurous, happy, considerate, easy to talk to, open, vulnerable, someone that doesn’t care what anyone thinks, not that insecure, humble, charitable, outgoing, loyal, loving, fit, healthy, help friends when in need, and generous. She’ll always be willing to grow on a personal level.
She’ll be intelligent, educated, knows where she is going, successful, proud, has status, influential/powerful, is capable of reaching her goals, never gives up, not intimidated by men or powerful people, organized, self-sufficient, responsible (with money too), gets things done, not afraid of anything and willing to try anything, motivated, useful, helpful, accept that failure is part of success, hard working, business-savvy, and worldy.
She’ll be able buy most of the things she wants, have most of my areas in her life balanced, understand that life is going through ups and downs, dress the way she wants to and looks.
On relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, work-related
A perfect person to me is someone who is well connected, well-liked (even if its not everyone), close to their family, close to their best friends like a second family, and has a social life. She’ll be generous to her family and friends especially when in need. She’ll be nice, open, real, vulnerable, loving, considerate, and accepting. She’s funny, fun, witty, charming, intelligent and people like her for who she really is. Her friends will be able to tell her the truth. She’s loyal to a fault at times. She’s easy to get along with, easy to talk to, and can make most people comfortable around her. She’ll dedicate time to people to develop relationships and invite. She’ll have a social life of her own that she created that’s fun and exciting. She loves meeting new people. She loves to introduce other people to other people and make sure they have a good time. She’ll be willing to lose friendships, willing to break connections when things reach a certain point but also considerate enough to admit she’s wrong when she is. She knows alot of people and some that can even help her career. She would do the same and help someone in their career too even if she doesn’t benefit from it just because she likes to help. She’ll be able to deal with business professionally. She’ll be able to stand up for what she wants, believes, and think she deserves without hesitation. She’ll get to wherever she wants to get to as long as she dedicates herself to it. She won’t be intimidated by powerful people, be influential and established. She’ll know when to take time off for herself. She’ll be able to love somebody else and be in a relationship.
- Below I have added some questions regarding the last conversation we were having…if you can answer them or some before our next session that would be great…
Think back to the feeling you told me about when you think you don’t have anything to say…you felt that because you don’t do as much as you would like, you are not so interesting.
- Tell me some ways that you ‘have been more interesting’ before – what were you doing, saying, talking about, feeling at the time?
I was doing alot more things. I was going to move events and partying. I was going out and hanging out. I was going to restaurants all the time and meeting new people. I was talking about things in the moment, things we have in common, guys, gossiping, talking about drama, giving advice, joking around, getting to know them, tell them about myself, and talk about the same events were going to. I felt great. I felt really sociable and people knew me that I didn’t even know. As egotistic as what I’m going to say, I did like that people who didn’t know me knew who I was. I felt connected and finally who I really was. I was going to school doing things to make my life better and having a social life. It just felt right.
- What makes you feel different now?
I feel like all I have now is school and that I don’t have much of a social life. I feel like most of my social life, events, etc revolved around her. It makes me feel insecure that she has so much power over what I do. It just feels like I’m disconnected from socializing and have nothing much to say at times. And yes it does sometimes depend on how I’m feeling. I do have days where I just don’t feel like talking to anyone, being antisocial, or just feel insecure and don’t want to talk and I become quiet. How I feel does sometimes dictate if I go out or not and it does dictate my experience if I do force myself to go out. I also do find it hard to make friends in school. I do feel different from most of them at school. I felt like I fit in better with people that I partied with. Even though at times there were people I met through partying that I did feel awkward around. And at work sometimes I would be working with people I didn’t talk to constantly or connect with so it did make me feel like an outsider. If I was working with people I got along with it was fine.
- What stops you from ‘doing more’ to ‘become more interesting’?
Ok this is a really terrible thing to say but I’m going to be honest. I could be doing alot more things with my best friends but sometimes I’m really embarrassed to be around them. Its an issue I have with myself not them. Sometimes I love my best friends to death but when we go out together they can act in certain ways that embarrass me and it makes me extremely uncomfortable which is why I don’t like bringing them out with me to party at times. It’s only when we go to events or they’re hammered I feel this way. I accept them the way they are its just I don’t want to get judged at times. I don’t invite someone really different from who I party with at times because I want them to have a good time and I do kind of party with people who are really judgmental. I just don’t want them to have a bad time. These issues stop me from being more interesting because I will actually decline invites from other people when I have noone else to go with but them.
At work I don’t go out with them as much even if they invite me is because they’re way of partying is just not my thing. I don’t like the music. I don’t really like the environment. It’s just out of preference so I just politely decline that I’m busy. I would just feel really out of place.
- What do you need to be doing that you are not doing now to be more interesting?
I say that would be meeting new and old people and developing relationships. I can say going out more but going out more with the same people and doing the same thing all the time just bores me.
- Are there any assumptions you could be making that is giving you what you see/feel?
I always make assumptions (about other people) which is my problem. I’m always almost right and even all my friends agree. People tell me I’m really intuitive and to be honest I agree. And yes I’ve heard that saying where you can assume something and predict something accurately when it hasn’t happened yet. It’s kind of a habit that’s bad and good. So lately I’ve been trying to just not assume, even if I am right about that person and to just let things happen (good or bad).
Assumptions I make about myself are things like they don’t think I’m good enough, interesting enough, boring, too quiet, and awkward when I’m with someone that I don’t really click with anymore or when we have nothing to say to eachother.
- What could you do differently next time you find yourself in this situation that would make you feel better?
Honestly, I feel like if I did have my own friends and own social life I don’t think I would even care if I met someone that I didn’t connect with or had a good time with. I would just brush it off my shoulder and move on to the next. But the fact that I feel like I don’t have that it makes me feel vulnerable and that I need to make friends.
So in a situation where I had to be friends with someone I would just force myself to ask them questions and get to know them and casually talk about myself. I’ll also remind myself that I can’t be friends with everyone and if we become friends great and if we don’t its alright.
- Is there anything you might need to ‘let go of/give up’ in order to move forward?
I really need to let go of what other people think of me. It’s not easy but I try. I need to not let other people’s opinion influence me just because they have a higher status than me. I also need to get rid of the fear of what’s going to happen if he/she doesn’t like me and to also stop assuming and just do it. I also need to be real, honest, and not be afraid to vulnerable.
- Tell me some of the thoughts and feelings / opinion you have of yourself at the moment– what do you think of yourself in general?
I do think and feel I’m a very capable person that can really do anything I want and get to wherever I want. I know I have those weak moments where I can fall and stay there for a long time at times. I feel like I still do have a lot to work on but I think its doable if I want it bad enough. In general I do feel like I am more fortunate than alot of people in certain areas although I have highlighted things that are negative but these are just things I really want to have and work on.