I’m going to be honest. Brutally honest. Because I feel like I’m ignoring and avoiding the problems, my thoughts, and my feelings with positive thinking or simply thinking its not there. I look at my life. I look at my patterns. I notice that I do go up and down because of how I feel at the moment and if I feel certain about it whether its about my social life, my life, or my future career. I admit that even those through those days I feel like I’m certain and I know what I’m doing and where I’m going I fall back and get insecure because its either I don’t feel smart enough, or I’m not working hard enough or I don’t feel popular enough, or I don’t feel like people want to be friends with me. Okay let me reword that. That I feel like I need to be hanging out with people who are significant. That’s sound terrible. I feel like I need to hang out with the people who are popular, well-known, “cool” and when I’m not with them and I’m with other people that aren’t considered that I feel like a loser. Like I’m not cool anymore, not popular anymore. It’s like when I’m with them I feel significant, like I’m important even though I feel like these people mean nothing to me. If that makes sense? I could like them and feel cool and like being around them but I wouldn’t trust them with my life. I wouldn’t trust them with my secrets, my history, my past, everything its just because they give me off this vibe that I shouldn’t. I don’t like being known about and then that being spread about me and then noone on my side to defend me. It makes me feel very vulnerable. It’s like a reputation that I like people not to ruin.
And its not that noone wants to be friends with me they do. I just block them off and I know it. I purposely pull away from people that are trying to get to know me even if I know they like me. I don’t speak the truth, sometimes I even make up little white lies to seem like I have a life that they admire. I get that people like me for who I am, but I guess I’m more afraid that if I’m not always the version of me that they like that they won’t like me anymore. Like the days when I’m moody, or quiet, or have a different opinion of them. I have those times that I’ll rather stay quiet than say something rude to you that I really do feel about you.
There’s only one person out of those cool people that I really care about. She actually knows me alot better than I do myself sometimes. But even then I still think I don’t tell her everything. I’m not completely myself around her. But I question if its because I hold myself back from her because she might think I’m weird or not cool and that she won’t accept me or if I feel like I can trust her enough with everything that she won’t tell anyone. I know it sounds stupid. I know I need to be me infront of her to be the real version of me. I know I’ll be happier being me– the full me that my closest friends know me as. I know I should be acting this way to everyone and be humble and that I don’t have to be cool and have those friends. That I should genuinely be friends with people I really like.
And now she’s leaving me. She’s moving out of town and I don’t know how long thats going to be. But I know that I relied on her alot. Alot for the social aspect of my life. For introducing me to people to partying to knowing people to connecting me to people. She did that for me. I don’t think its every good to rely a whole part of your life on a person. Because if she leaves I feel like my whole social aspect of my life will be gone. No more partying, no more meeting new people, no more perks. It sounds terrible to admit but it is what I feel and I’m just being human.
I admit. At the beginning that I was friends with her because I wanted to be part of crowd. It’s actually funny because I wished to be back in and then I met her. And it was awkward at first but I forced myself to do it. I kept thinking I wished for it and this happened and that I’ve never going to get this chance again so I rolled with it even though it was really awkward at first with her. I was really really uncomfortable because I was shy I didn’t really talk to anyone. I didn’t even talk to anyone at uni, I was a loner as much as I didn’t want to admit it. So she intimidated me. She had a lot of friends. She was outgoing and knew everybody. And when she would ask me about my life. I felt like I didn’t measure up because I honestly I didn’t have a life. At the beginning I did lie to alot of people saying I was out when I wasn’t because I didn’t want to seem like I didn’t have a life. I was uncomfortable because I felt insecure when I compared myself to them so I never had anything to say to anybody at the beginning because I wasn’t doing anything I had nothing to say.
Meeting her. I felt more confident because I could say I was doing something. But every something I was doing was always with her. Every party she was invited to she would bring me. Every dinner a guy asked her out to she would bring me. It was never me. Even if the guys asked me I always felt uncomfortable hanging out without her. I really depended on her and I think I still am. I’m not going to lie it took me a long time to get close to her because I was always afraid that if we end she would talk shit about me and say like I’m a loser. I know hearing that would hurt me so I always avoided fights with her. I always gave her lee-way when I knew deep down in my heart I wasn’t done with the fight. I was always scared she would ruin my reputation so I put up with her shit. But in the end.. the weird thing is is that I ended up seeing a side of her that noone else sees. Her worrying about the same exact things as I do except she voiced it to me and I never did with her. I ended up seeing me in her. And the fact that she could tell me those things made me trust her more now that I see a more geniune and real person and finally really trust her.
I’m going to be honest even though we’ve been really close the last few years. I still don’t feel like were at the level as I am with my bestfriends. But I think I don’t have to expect that out of everyone. I can’t expect everyone that gets close to me to be my bestfriend. I have to accept my friends and new friends as they are, even if I don’t trust them or feel like they “get me”. Roll with it. Go with the flow. I really do care for her though. I mean it. When shes hurt, I feel hurt. And if she does leave, I will cry. And trust me I never cry. I’ll visit her for sure.
The only things I should be taking seriously are my career goals and thats it. Everything else shouldn’t be taken so seriously. I know I should be having fun. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of things way too far. I’m just going to react in 3 seconds with everything. If someone asks me to go out with them. I’ll go unless I really think we won’t get along. I’m just going to go with the flow with things and meet people. Ask whoever I’m talking to hang out if I want to. Do things on my instinct without thinking so far ahead of the outcomes. Just do it.
I know I doubt myself alot. That is why I always end up not going anywhere, and not doing anything and leaving my life stale. Because I’m scared of what this person thinks of me if I hang out with this person, I’m scared that this person that I’m going to hang out with one on one isn’t going to like me and its going to be awkward, I’m scared that I’m not pretty enough without makeup, I’m scared they’ll see things that I don’t want them to see from me, I’m scared of this and that. It always comes from fear. I know that my fear of all these things that sound like its so easy to overcome and that its is stupid. It’s holding me back and I know it. I don’t want to live my life on a filter anymore. I want to do things I’m scared to do myself and just do it. If it freaks me out, makes me sweat profusely, makes me stutter, makes me go full face red I know I’ll be doing something right. I just want to live fully and passionately. Be honest, grow, and do me.