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Last night I couldn’t sleep til 5am. I don’t know why. Maybe it was my nap, maybe it was my because my girlfriends left me super hyper last night, or maybe because I stayed awake past the “tired zone” that I’m awake now. I don’t know it was one of those and now I feel like shit because I’m aching everywhere, skipped a whole day of school, and feeling depressed cause I feel like I’m unproductive or useless, or because I’m insecure from looking at my girlfriends instagram of all the things she can afford right now and I feel broke even though that same night I went to a 5 star restaurant. 

I don’t know what I’m feeling but after talking to M whos 27 by the way, 6 years older than me, said something rude to me. I mean he’s always been rude but the way we talk to eachother is like a flirting rude way but this time it kind of hurt. Like he knows I party alot, he knows I drink that I black out, he knows that I act like a fool and say things that are foolish when I’m hammered. But when  I really think about it I only did that once to him — like say something foolish and embarrassing to him and he won’t let me live it off. Other times I’m just flirting with guys and yeah so what if I end of fooling around with them but he doesn’t know that. M has only seen that happen once and probably heard it happen again from his other buddy that I had a thing with. But that I don’t care about because that’s my personal life and he can get over it. I’m not even interested in M and I could never imagine myself boning him either LOL gross. He used to like me and I knew it but every since I made out with his buddy he’s been acting more like a jerk to me instead of being as nice-flirty anymore. But at that time I didn’t care LOL I knew he was into me I just wanted to make him jealous cause I don’t know I wanted attention haha I know i know so childish haha and ya his buddy was all over me to a point that annoyed the shit out of me. 

But ever since that I really felt like we finally have become bros. Like he doesn’t want me anymore because he thinks I’m slutty or whatever so now we are finally friends.  But I have to admit there are times he really pisses me off. Like the things he says. Like yah i get it is partially true but do you have to say it like that?

Like yesterday. I couldn’t sleep last night until 5am and I was messaging him around 3am because I knew he was awake. He doesn’t work a 9-5 job. He makes paper. alot of paper. And is doing very well for his age. And i do to aspire to being make that kind of money by that age. we were joking around at first and then he asks me what are you doing so late. I told him I’m watching a drama and hes like could you not be anymore productive? Like read a book or something? and then he commented on how I party. He’s like ooooh so great, i love it when you party past 4am messy _______ comes out. And I got so mad. I was like even if youre my fucking friend you shouldn’t talked to me like that. Like i get you’re all about tough love but fucking be considerate of your friends feelings. I get I shouldn’t be constantly thinking about partying on a weekly basis and focus on school. Focus on this and that. I get it. thanks for the reminder but do you got to be a douche?! 

Okay I admit his stupid way of saying it to piss me off works. Why? Because thats the way I’ve always been driven. When someone underestimates me, speaks of me poorly, doesn’t think I can do it especially a guy… I want it so much more. I do it til the end til I proven them wrong. And guess what? I won’t even wave it in your face. You’ll find out and you’ll know on you’re own because I’ve never been a person that needed to show or tell people about my successes.  It did motivate me to work even harder and cancel my plans to party this weekend. But I woke up this morning still thinking about what he said to me. I guess it was a little of a reality check. or it was the lack of sleep. It made kind of depressed thinking about it like is that what I really think about my life? I’m in my fourth year of university and I’m still about chasing boys and blacking out on the weekends and schooling hard and procrastinating at times in school. Like I can help but wonder if I should be investing more time in my school life and professional life instead of my personal life. I’m all about balance. But maybe I need to invest more time in like that quote that I can’t seem to remember. Its basically a quote that says to invest your hardwork now to live like how others want to live later. When I think about it this is what works for me — I’ll know when to fuck off from the partying to focus and I won’t be a pushover to go partying. Plus I’ve always been the type to play hard WORK HARDER. Always. What can i say? I’ve always liked living life on the extremes. I’m all about the hustle and maybe I needed that kick in the ass once in a while to put me in perspective. Thanks M .. I guess you asshole.

Anyways I was on instagram today and I dont’ know maybe I’m feeling a little insecure okay not a little when looking at other girls on instagram that have money right now. I feel so insecure and this pressure when I think about it so I try not. Where I live it’s all about the bag your carrying, the clothes you wear, the watches you wear, how much you’re stunting. Because these people make fast cash. I don’t know I just don’t like to be in that environment because it makes me feel so little and insecure when they are talking about this bag and that bag because I can’t afford it. But I’m 21 I’m not suppose to be affording these things and materialistic things when I’m this young. It’s what I have to keep reminding myself especially if I’m still in school trying to figure out who I want to be and what career path I want to go. Like I can’t even be myself when I’m around those people sometimes when that feeling does hit me because I feel insecure which then makes me quiet. I live in a superficial world. 

But it makes me happy when I do think of the future and how I’m going to be able to make my own paper. Make a great career. Have a business in the future. And I will be so happy because I know I would have made all that paper myself. Nothing beats the feeling of being able to support yourself and loved ones around you. Especially in a man’s world. And experiencing all these things I have experienced with these guys make me even want to work even harder to do this for myself. The trips they pay for us, the food they pay for us, the booze, the partying, the rides, the events the everything they for us makes me want to even work harder to do it for myself. I want to be able to one day being sitting in a really nice restaurant sitting at a meeting or a dinner table with my friends and looking across me and see a table they are in and buy them 2 bottles of dom p or cristal and get it sent over to their table for all the times they’ve paid for me. I don’t ever look at it like I expect them to pay. And I will never be one of those snobby girls that expect guys pay for everything for me. That just isn’t me. It makes me feel cheap like I couldn’t do that for myself. 

Although I may not be where I am suppose to be right now. I know my potential and I’m confident in it.  I know through everything I go through to make money and live the life I want will happen. I’m excited .. . and I’m ready to conquer in this man’s world.