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In this funny game of life I realize that you aren’t living if you aren’t living through the ups and downs and allowing yourself to. It’s when you play it safe that things become stale, unmotivating, lifeless, and unhappy. I realized that nothing bad lasts long and neither does the good. No matter how hard you try to keep it there. There will always be that unexpected “thing” that just hits you. I’ve learned that in my social life, my career life, my love life, my family life, my emotional life has to live by the motto “all or nothing.” Its the way I live now and it’s what makes the happiest and livelist person I am. In my life I play by my own rules. Ones I make up for myself and ones I tweak from other inspirations and ones that I copy from other inspirations. 

I want to date someone that I love being around. I don’t even care if our relationship is considered crazy. I’ll rather be crazy in love than being medicorely in love with somebody by playing all the right rules and games. I want him to be my bestfriend. Someone I can talk to about anything from the dumbest shit that makes us laugh to the most meaningful conversations about our lives to ripping our clothes off to rough sex and dirty talk to the most heated arguments to the most cutest moments to getting to know eachothers families to giving eachother space to supporting eachother. 

If i had choice we would be all of that. And he would be witty, horny, perverted, smart, acts cute, romantic in the most cheesiest and sweetest ways, he would get me, caring, comfortable, rough, flirty, charming, playful, funny, dirty-minded, someone that can tame me, someone that knows when I say “no” in a playful manner that I really mean yes, someone who can take my temper and know that I act my emotions before I think about the consequences, someone that motivates me and I motivate him, someone who gives me alot of his attention while I’ll do the same, loyal, honest, knows what he wants, ambitious, can take care of himself, not shady. And hopefully he finds me and I hope that I’m everything he wants too. 

I just want the cute moments where I can kiss all over his face with a new lipstick colour and instagram it, where I can fall asleep on his chest talking until morning, where I can feed him dessert by spoonful, where we can cuddle all night, where he can squeeze my ass in public and give me the sheepishly smirk, where he can wink at me about dirty jokes, where he can push me against the wall and fuck me there, where he can my grab my hair choking me while hes fucking me, where I can handcuff him, where our endless times together is a good time and a bunch of laughs, where I can be sitting on his lap in the clubs while were with our friends just being cute with eachother smiling and laughing, the moment he kisses my forehead, the moment he kisses my back when I wake up, the moment I make him breakfast in the morning in nothing but a off the shoulder sweater and a thong, the moment where I’m in lingerie surprising him, the cute moments where we cook together and fool around, the moment he introduces me to his friends and they love me like a homie, the moments where we can roughhouse while playing sports, the moments where he can play around with me and carry me and through me over him here and there, the moment he opens the door for me and smacks me in the ass and kisses me to have a good day, the moment we just laugh so hard together til we cry. I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing, making money, having rough sex, and an intense love life, while balancing everything else. 

 

On my social life? I gotta say I feel pretty blessed. I know I know. You’ll see me posting one thing where I say I’m crying I’m bipolar I’m lonely I feel so antisocial. That’s just me there are days and sometimes long days I feel like that but once I bounce back up I realize how blessed I am to have people who never give up on me. I don’t even regret the downs because honestly it made me appreciate the good times so so much more. And feeling more appreciative has me made happy. And me feeling happy is making people contagious to me. I realize alot of people do gravitate towards me because of my personality and they like me. And mean who doesn’t like being liked? LOL let’s get real. Honestly I like this version of me and I realize this is the best version of me socially and I do know the difference between me in good social life state and my bad social life state. And right now I’m feeling good. It’s funny how youre feeling of yourself, and how sure of yourself you feel makes a big difference in your life. Yeah people say people who fake it til they make it won’t really make it and that’s true. It’s only when you BELIEVE you are that person you become it. Some may say it’s fake it til you make it but it aint faking if you truly believe you are right? I used to think that if I studied all day and tried really hard on one thing I’ll be amazing at it. One thing I failed to realized for myself is that that doesn’t work for me at least. I need to have balance. When I have that balance I feel amazing, motivated for everything, happy to see my friends, want to talk to my friends, energized to the point that I need to do something. Wouldn’t be amazing to live everyday like that? That’s how I know how I work. It could be different for someone else. I get energy from good vibes, good people, good experiences which makes me more motivated for my life. I truly feel blessed about the friends I have and the friends I’m meeting now. Everyone that I care about in my life care about me, have my back, no matter how many fights and disagreements. These people make me laugh, I have a good time, and it feels genuine. I think the one thing I like so much is that it doesn’t feel fake to me and I don’t care what people say at all. Because the only people who care about the way I act are people who are insecure, snobby, bitchy, care about their status, backstabbing, money gold digging hoes. And theyre not even people I want in my life. So did I stop caring?  No doubt about that I did. Say what you want because just like that I’ll flip on you; bitch at you, beat your ass, and not back down. Hunny just because I’m nice, outgoing, charming, funny, doesn’t mean I can’t be just as fiesty and bitchy. So watch your word before you mess with me. Cause bitch believe it that I don’t even need to defend who I am to have people back me up. And the funny thing is? I don’t even ask for their help and I tell them to stay out of it because I’ll rather hit you myself. That isn’t a person I am but sometimes you have to do what you got to do so people don’t stomp all over you. I’ve never been a girl to listen to someone degrade me, try to disrespect me and get away with it. Sorry but I aint sorry. I’m usually a really nice girl unless you really do something to me or say something to me that rubs me the wrong way. And I’ll even let it slide for maybe a couple times but if you keep it just don’t expect me to be oh so nice. 

I never felt so sure of myself of who I am and where I am. Maybe its just my age and I’m believing where I am is what I’m supposed to be. But to tell you the truth I’m not even interested in looking back because it feels good to be where I am right now. This year I’ve learned alot about myself. Through all the fucked up shit I realize that life keeps it moving and sometimes that is the best remedy. You gotta just suffer, go through it, party, have a good time, and get over things you can’t control, and then move on and keep living. For being 21 I feel like I know alot more about myself and others than older people. I’m not trying to be demeaning, I’m just being honest. I feel like even when I look at some people older than me. I see people who are going through what I went through; the anxiety, the nervousness, not feeling good enough, shyness, not confident, embarrassed to people who are confident in what they want, know who they are, know what they can be. I see the difference and the attitude and the lessons people went through. That stuff, that confidence, that assuredness doesn’t come from nowhere guys. You just aren’t born with that, you do things that made you that way. I had to unlearn alot of things to learn how to be what I want to be and to achieve what I can acheive. I did alot of soul searching. I did alot of things to answer all the questions I needed to answer for myself. People who are confident and so sure of themselves when through things that hurt them to get to where they are. You need to realize that. That everything takes work. That job, that education, that life style, that soul searching made them confident. That’s just an example. Everything you want to be takes work — takes depression, takes you hitting rock bottom, takes you maybe even spending a couple hundred with life coaches and counsellors to get there. It’s true nothing comes easy, not even the free stuff.  Just this year has made me so excited for life and what I can do. How I can play this game of life. How I can it make the best I can for myself and people I love. That .. that excites me. 

 

 

xox

 

 

 

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