I just had an argument with my dad which was one way. More like I was bitching at him but only because he said a word that triggered me. Which was the word “selfish.” I admit that I can be a selfish person but however when you refer me being selfish towards my sister that pisses me off. JUST BECAUSE I don’t show my emotions when things happen, JUST BECAUSE I act like I don’t care when I really do, JUST BECAUSE I blow off the stress by drinking and partying and going out, YOU THINK I’M SELFISH. Do you know how much I’ve adjusted my life for my older sister? DO YOU? Do you know how many nights I’ve cried because I wished it was me instead of her because I think I could have broken through it and lived a normal life. Do you know how much I worry about her future? Do you know how much I protect her? Do you know I go to her sessions? Do you know how much I take the time not to push her into things shes not ready for NOT LIKE YOU. Do you know how I bitch at her friends who tried to make her take drugs for fun or took advantage of her? Do you know how embarrassed and ashamed I’ve felt because of what she had and how I didn’t know how to deal with it? Where were you helping me? Do you know how much I’ve made it important for me to succeed and be well-off so she can be provided for you and not to mention for you and mom and to be provided for in the future?! DO YOU?! YOU don’t because I don’t tell you. I’ve never had felt the need to tell people what I’m going to do for them just so you would pity me or would understand me because at the end of the day I didn’t care what people thought of me as long as i knew in my heart what I was going to do. But it makes me so mad and hurts me so bad that you keep using that word to me when I’ve tried so hard and cried so much and thought about how to solve this issue forever to be called “selfish.” I work hard and I study hard for you guys. I’m constantly thinking of how to be successful and how to act on it. You think I’m being selfish because you think I study for me, you think i’m doing this for me. I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU GUYS. THATS WHAT PISSES ME OFF.  Do you know how much her condition affected me? Yeah that’s why I partied after we would fight, that’s why I drank until I didn’t remember and was numb. Yeah that make look selfish towards you but that was my way of releasing the stress I had. The only way I got rid of the stress was having a good time with my friends. SO YES call me selfish all you want dad. Cause maybe if you took the chance and consider your own daughter’s side instead of your “friend’s” opinion of me and actually got to know me on a deeper level YOU WOULD KNOW THAT. It would be nice you had your daughter’s back for once. Your own blood.  But i’m done. I’m done with proving anything to you dad. I’m over it. Although it may hurt me, I’ve learned to just accept the fact that you’ll never understand and that I don’t care. I’m doing on my own thing for my sister and mom… and you. If you like or it not. Selfish or not. 

 

 

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