How to be comfortable in your own skin.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

From the time I was a little girl, people told me I was pretty, but I never believed them. Instead, I scrutinized myself in the mirror searching for ways to look better, not realizing that what I was really looking for was a way to be me and feel good about myself.

As I focused even more on my looks, I became increasingly self-conscious and dependent on how others perceived me. If someone complimented me and gave me attention, I would feel confident, but if I went unflattered or unnoticed, I would
feel insecure and started comparing myself to other girls.

“what you are inside shows on your face.”

One day when I was reading a blog, I took another long look in the mirror, and suddenly something clicked: My looks were not the problem—they never were.

Somehow I understood that what I didn’t like about my face had nothing to do with my physical features. It was something else; something within myself that was reflecting out and causing me to feel unattractive, ill at ease, and unconfident.

When I went to social outings and met new people I was constantly uneasy and uncomfortable. I was always with people who seemed like they had everything going on. That they had it all together. I felt so uneasy, unattractive, quiet because i was constantly comparing myself to them consciously or subconsciously. It made me want to fit in so I didn’t show who I was completely. I wanted to seem cool, not be embarrassing, follow the rules to get where they were at.

I was frequently projecting someone who didn’t feel “like me,” and that projection habitually depended on who I was interacting with.

It was this realization that launched my journey to authenticity and the discovery of a beautiful me.

Slowly, I started to learn about myself and the things that make me happy, and I found that I had a rhythm. I could hardly believe it, but I actually had my own beautiful flow, and as soon as I began to follow it, my authenticity started to build on itself.

I gradually began to feel less self-conscious around others and much more comfortable with myself. Even around these intimidating people. I realized when I acted like me, the real me, because its hard to pretend someone youre not, I started being more fun, more outgoing, more funny, more myself. I was becoming more confident in who I was because it “felt” like the real me. And people liked it. and some people hated it but I didn’t care about the haters because I knew the people who genuinely liked me LOVED me. It felt amazing to have people love me for me and it wasn’t someone I was trying to be it was me. People started noticing and the more people came to me. It was like I was contagious. Don’t get me wrong there are those days were people hate me and there are days where I’m stuck with these negative people for a few months and that depresses me and made me feel like there was something wrong with me, but what this blog made me realize was that there is nothing wrong with you, its just your surrounding and how you take that in.

Because when I was happy being me and having people around me that loved me while I had my haters I didn’t care about my haters. They meant nothing to me. Suddenly when I stopped seeing people that were positive in my life and that I loved being around I started sucking in this constant negativity and that something was wrong with me.

I started going through a hole and i started not acting like myself again because I was uncomfortable with who I was at the moment because of how I was taking things in. It was my mind and the fact that I wasn’t expressing how I was feeling to anyone. I was hiding my hurt. And not releasing that hurt to someone that I was lonely and that I needed them when I felt like I was feeling isolated hurt me because I was trying to hide it like a deep secret. And hiding who I really was from people at work, school, and people pleasing them to make them like me made me quiet, unexcited, lonely at work because I was pretending to be someone else to be liked. It was only when I realized I could be myself and not care what other people thought of me– fuck them if they liked me or not, that I finally felt happy again.

i felt like the one thing why i was hiding from so many of my new friends were because i didn’t want them to know i didn’t have that many friends. This is what I’m the most ashamed of.