Okay I keep blaming everything on me being depressed. It’s not that I want to constantly think negatively. I’m just being realistic. I’m 20 right now feeling like I’m going through a quarter life crisis. I’ll rather deal with the issue I have early on then let it broad until i’m 40 or older. I like to tackle my issues head on.
The question I have for myself is.. Do I get rid of this depression or do I go back to my old life living life half-assed and watching the years go by?
I’m letting you know right now. I can get rid of my depression right away. It’s no problem. I can ignore everyone’s judgement of me when I feel like noone cares about me or knows about me. I can work in a job where no one will need to talk to me. I can be in an environment where I don’t care about anyone around me and only talk to them when I need to. I can be in that job that doesn’t pay me well, doesn’t make me happy, doesn’t make me sad. I won’t feel judged, I won’t feel happy, I won’t feel sad. I won’t feel fulfilled but I’m okay with it. I won’t make any new friends or cultivate my relationships. I’ll always be waiting for something to come to me instead of me going to it. Even if I needed to do something or accomplish a goal I wouldn’t ask someone else which all in all makes it more stressful for me and more difficult to grasp.
I could live that life. As a matter of fact I did. It’s called playing it safe.
I never realized how much of my life I was living that way. Of course distractions such as my close group of 6 bestfriends didn’t make me realize it. Can you imagine if I was alone without my bestfriends distracting me?
I used to hide when I was walking down the hallways of school because I was not confident. I used to choose my workplace depending on the fact that noone I know or know of me will see me. I used to not want to be seen with my best friends in public when I saw someone I know or knows of me. I used to hide when I saw someone I knew or knows of me when I was alone. I was scared of talking to anyone that I started to stutter or speak incoherently to people when grew enough balls to talk to them. Oh and believe me I always knew this was a problem from when it started. All I only cared about those days were me. me. me. When someone hurt me with their words I would use it on one of my closest friends to see how they reacted. I didn’t mean what the word meant, but I wanted to know how they would react. I used to skip my closest friends birthdays so I could ace an exam. I was always get easily irritated. Treated people like shit. Fought with my whole family. I always wanted everything my way and if didn’t I would scream and yell. Did I care about the repercussions? No. I didn’t feel the remorse. It’s like I was this shy insecure mute kid when I was at school or infront of peers but when I was at home I was a completely different person. I was angry, I was selfish, I was loud, I was mean.
Sounds sad right?
That was me 3 years ago. That is recent. Sad to say. I have changed alot but I see myself slowing creeping up to my bad habits again.
Now I realize when I look back. I was miserable. I just didn’t want to admit it or even cared to look at it. That’s what I thought life was until I realized how my life totally was when it was the complete opposite. It was when I realized how much I was missing out on life. How much I was wasting my life. Even though I went through a whole lot of drama to get there. I wouldn’t take it back for a second.
My life when I was doing nothing but school, family, work. It became repetitive, boring, uninspiring. I even didn’t care about showing up for work. It felt ok to skip work and everyone else did it too. I’m not trying to be mean or judgmental right now but I’m going to be. I felt like the people working there were not up to standard of the people I wanted to be at that’s why I was comfortable being the way I was. I’m not saying those people aren’t people of standard; they probably are extremely happy working where I was working possibly making $26 / hour on the old contract. I just mean as in goals and ambitions. The people I wanted to around were people that were inspiring, knew what they wanted, how they were going to get there, sociable, fun, crazy, outgoing. Because those were traits I wanted for myself. That I was craving. I wanted it. and I wanted it bad that every new years resolution would be just that.
I could live that life again and I see myself going there once again like right now, but I don’t want to. I’m trying to resist it. I’ve come so far to forcing myself to accept the things I didn’t accept before such as feeling embarrassed, trying to talk to people with stuttering, being confident, working my way up the social ladder, people knowing my name and who I was without me even knowing. I worked too hard to get where I am. But these reasons I listed aren’t the reasons why I want to stay where I am.
The reasons are that I truly knew how it felt to be happy, to feel fulfilled even for moment, to truly know how it feels to meet geniune people that care about you, to know how happy it feels to give somebody something instead of just recieving, how happy it feels to have people that really enjoy you, how great it feels to not be selfish, how great it feels to make your family laugh, how great it feels to make your friends laugh and not have to worry about being unnoticed, how great it feels to get a job that makes you sociable and you actually enjoyed working and it didn’t even feel like work, how great it feels to feel like you are connecting with new people and friends in your life and keeping new ones, how great it feels to know about other peoples lives and are happy for them.
Without me working on myself. I would have never got to where I am. I’m not going to lie I do owe it to D for helping get there. She doesn’t even know it. She was my opening door and my consistency to keep me pushing whenever my feelings were pushing me not to go, don’t do it. I always thought YOLO. Plus I reminded myself I always said I wanted to get back into that lifestyle and here was my chance. With or without my close girlfriends. I was going to do it. And I took that chance with someone I was uncomfortable with and forced myself to go through it over and over again.
Even though D, this bitch can be crazy LOL but i love her for it. I guess they are right about you God. You always let people walk into our lives that we need, not the people we want (at the beginning) LOL only kidding