So like i’ve said. I’ve being seeing a relationship counselor. I’ve been trying to work on myself to see why it’s so hard for me to connect to people and be emotional with someone without playing it safe. I realized I go through this phase where I get depressed and then I’m happy then i get depressed and then I’m happy again. I realize the reason why I get myself so down is because I compare myself to other people all the time. I do it subconsciously. I care about the who’s who’s, status of my friends, my career right now, my education, who’s liked more and how i can become the most liked, the best of everything, the best at everything. I see the pattern. I judge myself to compare myself to somebody else and asked myself who’s better. I’m not going to lie it feels SO GOOD to know you are better than somebody. I know I shouldn’t be saying but come on people keep it real. You know you feel more confident and more secure about yourself when you feel like you are doing better than someone else. I completely admit that I do. Sad to say but its true. I do hope one day that I don’t need to comfort myself and compare myself to be people who are worst than me just to make myself happy or feel secure or feel confident. But at the time being this is how I feel. But just as I judge myself as being better than someone I can just about do the same about comparing myself to someone better than me. Oh and trust me I can get low from looking how someone is doing so much more than me and it makes me feel like shit. I got rid of facebook, twitter, instagram, won’t even join a social networking page because I don’t want to pity myself. I don’t want to look at someone’s life and see how much fun they are having while I’m not at all. I want to be able to not have these initial feelings about someone else’s life. I especially hate it when that person that is doing better than me is someone I hate. Man it just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like if we got into a bitter situation I always want to be the one that feels like that person I got into an altercation with is irrelevant to me.
My relationship counselor knows alot about me now. Since the second session she has said she really feels like shes getting to know alot about me. She says that she’s realized that I’m very thoughtful. She tells me that everything I think of that are flaws are actually beautiful and amazing traits. I actually believed her. And she realized I’m pretty complicated but she said who’s life isn’t.
I feel like the more I talk to her the more I know about myself. And I do realize I know alot about myself and I know myself very very well. We talked about all kinds of things. Of how past dates were, how friendships were, of how my family is, how my close friends are, how i interact with new people, how i interact with guys.
I told her how I’ve been with dates. I get all nervous and get really anxious and weird before the date. Even if some guy I don’t really want to date and it’s just for practice. I get all ancy. I think its normal but I mean I always come thinking of all the mistakes and I started beating myself up about the things the I’ve said and the things I did. I didn’t know how to interact with somebody. I didn’t want to put on a front that I was confident. I just wanted to be myself but all I do is word vomit. I’m used to having somewhere there that when it got to an awkward silence it wasn’t as awkward because other people were there. But when were just alone I feel so awkward and obligated to talk. And the things I say just aren’t interesting or the way I say it doesn’t make me seem like I’m very interested. I freak out. I over think. I become my worst enemy. I’m so scared of getting judged. I wish I didn’t. and I wish I could get judged all the time and not give a fuck because I knew who I was and am. But there are always going to be those days were you feel a little insecure and a dig could hurt 10x as much.
I want to be able to love somebody. To be emotional. To be vulnerable. And I realized that i’ve been always taking it safe. That if I don’t make myself vulnerable I will never be able to love somebody and get the intimacy I want. I need to take that risk and know that I will be able to recover from the rejection, pain, or anything that can hurt me or be used against me. I have to be open.
I want to be able to connect to people. Actually develop friendships with other people and branch off from my friends. Not that I want to dump them I always want to and will be their bestfriends but I want to be able to have other friends as well to fulfill my needs. My counselor made me realize that each individual is different and they get their needs met by other things and other people. It doesn’t just come from one set of people.
I want to be able to be me. I want to be able to let loose. I want to be able to not feel anxiety and pressure on dates or whatever. I want to stop comparing myself to other people like my peers. I dont mind having an idol that I look up to and want to be like but I don’t want to be like someone I really know in person. I want to be able to have the confidence to conquer what I need and want. I want to be a clear minded person that is decisive and considerate.
I sometimes wonder if the friendships I have right now with party people is what’s stopping me from connecting. Because I heard that you genuinely need to feel like you want to get to know them to be friends. I kind of do that with everyone even with people I want to be friends with. I try to act and tell myself I don’t want to be their friend because I don’t want to act to desperate to be their friend. I want to be their friend but I don’t want to be desperate. If you know what I mean. I know I complicate myself. This isn’t the first time. Sigh sometimes I wish I could find the right balance to everything.