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I feel like a lot of people know me but we aren’t close. They like me and we always see each other but I never get close with them. But its kind of the fact that I never go out with them alone or ask them to come out with me. It’s weird I feel like I’m in this big social circle but its all because one of my close friends knows everybody so they are guaranteed to know me because she always brings me out. I don’t know. I don’t know why I always put my guard up. Actually I kind of do. I push myself away from people when they get close to me. Like I always want to seem like I’m fun. I’m a people pleaser and I’m trying my hardest not to be. There’s a fine line between being a people pleaser and being nice. I want to be nice even if something I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be selfish. Honestly my problem is is that I just NEED TO STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME. I know i’m being annoying by saying this over and over again but damn its a hard thing to do. It just always ends up slipping. Like this is sad but when I’m friends with someone I’m kind of embarrassed to been seen with friends that aren’t so popular when I’m around people that are all about their status. I feel like I should be hanging out with girls that up there in the status. I hate that I think that way but i do. I’m not going to lie feeling like you are something in a city and being popular is a good feeling. It’s like nature’s high. LOL you feel confident, like you got everything, like a celebrity, everyone knows who you are, who your friends with without you even knowing them. I like pulling myself away from it at times because its too much for me. I like being able to be completely alone and having my alone time and going back to it whenever and be sane. LOL But I realize if I want something like  a huge group of friends I got to work for it.  It doesn’t really matter how much fun you are I realize its about the people you know and that you keep trying with people. The more you hang out with them the more you end up liking them is what I realized about people. It’s about the time you spend together not how much you guys initially like eachother. No matter how quiet you are. No matter how funny you are. No matter how chill you are. And trust me that’s a fact LOL. So fuck the awkward moments and get going. I realize the older I’m getting the wiser I’m getting. That practice makes perfect and makes it easier. That you choose your friends. That you create your life. That everything is based on your decisions. Your view and perspective of your life depends on you. How much fun you have depends on you. Your expectations in life can make or break you. Everything affects your happiness. I used to think that as long as I’m happy my life everything will fall into place. That as long as I was happy school didn’t matter if it was making me unhappy. I kept looking for that “thing” that made me happy. I felt like it there should be an answer for it but to be honest I don’t think there is any answer or an answer to anyones happiness. Its about doing what you gotta do, relieve your stress, have fun, go with the flow and be spontaneous, be true to yourself, like who you are and where you are to be ultimately happy. It’s the simple things that count. Still have goals and having the ups and downs theres no way to avoid it that’s just life. Be friends with people who you want to be friends with. Don’t be insecure or fake it til you make it. Taking chances. Fuck rejection. Fuck the feelings. If you aren’t happy doing it don’t do it. But if you need to do it do it. My advice to my future self is to still have goals and you won’t ever need to question who you are because deep down in your heart you know who you really want to be and what you want to be like and stop assuming if people like you affect you. And just be positive, don’t think too much of anything, and make sure you surround yourself with some people that you care about. If you want status do it. Cause deep down I’m not going to lie it is something I want. Makes me feel some type of way. And I believe if you want something do it and go get it. Life’s giving me a shot. So why not take it and roll with it the way I want to?

 

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