I’m going through that faze again. Where I feel awkward for no damn reason around people.  It’s like I think too much about it and then it just becomes weird for me even if other people don’t realize it. That is why I keep in my head that people don’t feel what I feel at the moment and that I should just move on about it tomorrow and never think of it again. I kind of want to go to the doctors and get this checked out. Even if I’m thinking too much about it, it doesn’t seem normal to me to constantly have these fluctuating mood swings. One day I’m super excited and happy and the other days I just don’t want to socialize or talk to anyone. I don’t ever want to get as low as I made myself this year. I never felt worse in my life and I felt like I was constantly trying to make myself happy when I was unhappy. Like I was faking it. I didn’t want to do anything and even when I forced myself to do it it felt like it didn’t help. But it really did actually help. I don’t want to feel like that again. When I went to therapy they just told me I was lonely. And to be honest when I really think about it. I think I am. Even though I have all these people surrounding me that love me. I want some body always there. Like I’m missing something else. I use to think it was because I had no friends at school and that all my friends were busy or just partying and I felt left out that made me feel lonely and alone. That is a logical answer. However when I really think about it. I had this whole summer off and I was constantly with people. Yeah it made me happy for a few days but then I would withdraw on some days. So it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t have friends because I was constantly have a good time with people, meeting new people, making new bestfriends. I think its the fact that I’m missing someone to love, to fall inlove with, to like. I think that is the reason why I’m always having these withdrawls because denying the fact that I do want a relationship. That I want to be the modern day independent woman that doesn’t need a man. When in fact I do. I’m not going to date someone because I need them but I’m just going to be me and do it at my own pace. Good luck to me. 

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