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I spoke to my grandma today and I told her indirectly how I was feeling and how I felt about problems before in this past year. It amazed me how simple her answers were to my questions. I overcomplicated alot of the things and to be frank my reasons seemed SO dumb. I try to think of every situation to ask my grandma and she told me every logical answer without stuttering. She told me what is wrong with me. She told me its my perspective on things that’s wrong. I never heard anyone say that it was my perspective they always said something along those lines but never directly what it was.  I definitely needed to hear that though. Questions I asked my grandma was about school and life and friends and myself. I told her it was hard for me to focus at work or school when I wasn’t happy. Like if I didn’t go out or socialize with anyone. Even if I did socialize I didn’t feel close with them or connect with them. Gma told me that I should be happy that I have a job, have friends that care about me and a family that cares about me. She said if you keep thinking to just have fun and be happy and neglect focusing on school and a career you are going to be unhappy at the end because you won’t have that degree or the career that you want at the end if you don’t focus on that. I told her I couldn’t stand looking at my friends doing shit with their life and having fun while I’m going to school. She told me its because they have time and they aren’t doing what you are doing. If i think about it that is true. I’m going to school those girls and guys aren’t. And its true that all they have is time right now which I don’t. I’m comparing myself with people who have all the time in the world when I don’t. I told her I didn’t want anything to change and that I don’t like change. She told me that I need to let that go and that no matter what if you don’t change your friends are going to change. It’s the environment they are in. The environment and circumstance anyone has will always change and then what?  When that changes their priorities change, they change, they start to not see you as much and deal with what they got to deal with first before you. Even if you have time for them they won’t necessarily have time for you. I told her I never want to change my close relationship with my friends that I have now because I have a fear of missing out and she told me that people will always go their own ways no matter how much you don’t want that. And it sucked hearing that but my gma’s right. I shouldn’t be so attached. Not attached but be able to let go and be all attached all I want when I want to be but be ok when I got to change or when they change. She told me that real friends have been there for you at your worst times and you’ve done the same to them. If they always tell you to fuck school and fuck your main goals in life then they really aren’t that great of friends are they? She made a point. Even though I have so much fun with these girls what’s the point? They aren’t supporting me in what I’m doing even if they are they always call me out when I’m trying to focus. These friends are just temporary. My gma told me that I needed to change my perspective on what happiness was and is. She told me that you should be happy that you have a place to live in comfort, clothes to choose from, food to eat that you like, and money to spend. We didn’t have that back then. To me it looked sad that I had to look at those things for happiness but then I realized I just expect too much in life. I don’t live in the moment. I live thinking about the future, my status, my friends, my clothes, my bags. I let all these materialistic things mess with my head to tell me that these are the things that matter most in my life not my career and not my goals. I thought she was just saying that like how every elderly person is suppose to say but I believed her. She said I should count my happiness on my education and career and then figure out relationships and friends. Keep it simple. She made a good point that friends will always come and go. And no matter how rich and lonely someone is, someone will want them because they have money. And no matter what job I’m doing now or what course I’m doing I will always meet people. Acquaintances, friends, bestfriends. She was right. Trust me I don’t tell anyone they are right but I truly believe she made a good point. That my perspective is my worse enemy she told me my perspective was fucked up actually LOL. I realized my perspective is based on everyone else’s opinion that I forced to make it my own perspective without realizing it. I’m just going to do what I want to do. Fuck everyone’s opinion and approval. I lived way too long trying to impress, be what they want, and seek people’s approval from people who REALLY DIDN’T EVEN MATTER to me. Why? Because I just wanted them to like like me or just to fit in. It’s been too long and right now is the time for change. I heard this advice from every one of my close friends but hearing it from someone who’s really lived in their life I can’t help but believe it. I believe when you do the things you want without people’s opinions mattering and only your happiness and what your heart wants miracles will happen and everything will fall in too place if you truly let yourself to. 

xx

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