I notice lately I’m acting really annoying when I drink. LOL I don’t know why I’m just being really chatty and don’t shut up. I will stop now. LOL for my own sake. No more swearing as well. I went drinking last night and I was with new type of guys. It’s weird I don’t have as much fun with them. They just don’t go hard like my friends do. I’m use to people chill drinking with me with goose not beers and going really easy. Last night was just average. I didn’t really have fun but I’m going to tell everyone I did. Just to be nice. I felt awkward yesterday. I realize I always feel awkward with types of people I haven’t chilled with a long time. Like when I don’t fit in. These guys went to school and network for money. They’re making it. I’m just not used to it. But maybe its a good thing for me. I need the change but I don’t know if I want to. Like with these guys I feel like I need to be me more and just want to be friends. With the other guys they give me so much attention, flirt with me, buy me drinks, go hard with me, and party hard and wild with me. I like that.

I don’t know but these guys are better for me in the long run compared to those guys you know. Theyll have my back and actually genuinely care about me if I let them get close to me. I don’t know why but I really big problem letting people close to me. Is it really weird that I feel like I’m an in-between person. Like I fit in with alot of people because of my personality. they never feel weird around me but I’m the one who feels weird around people that I’m not used to hanging out with. Like different types of people.  It’s weird when I don’t feel like I fit in. I realize drinking makes you fit in with everyone when you feel awkward, That’s not a good thing though. I feel like its better to know people and develop a relationship than to drink and get to know eachother. But drinking to know eachother first and then developing a relationship is better. I don’t know. It’s like I wished for guys like these but then I feel like I don’t belong? I’m not going to lie to you with the other guys I chill with I feel like I fit right in and that I never felt more like myself. With these guys I feel like I have to be proper, I have to be a good girl, I have to be wanting something in life, doing something in my life, watch my rep. Everything. I feel like I don’t get the attention I usually get either. Yes I admit I’m an attention whore. I don’t need it but I want it type of thing. With the other guys I don’t feel like I need to care. I’m everything I am, No matter how fucked I am. Scraps. Bitching when someone pisses me off. Going for guys that I want that night and not caring how I look. Flirting with guys and having a good time. Getting drunk as fuck and being in the moment. I never felt as much as I did letting me be everything I am than with these guys. But maybe its because they’re fucked up themselves? I like these guys cause were straightforward with eachother. No bullshit. No lies. No trying to be cool. With good guys. I got to watch myself. Fit into a certain position. I can do it and they love me. But maybe I need that? To get to where I want in life? Its like I like being around b boys and I’m most like myself but everything I want in a guy and in life is with the g boys. Why am I so complicated? My needs aren’t my wants. Does anyone ever feel that? The difference between the two is the value of the person. Both type of guys make money but the value they want in the girls is different. The guys I’m most comfortable with like hot girls and that they know they want money. The other guys I feel awkward with want girls who want more in life, are doing something with their life, not golddiggers, someone like them. And thats what I want. Should I have to change who I hang with to get what I want? I just want to be happy. I just feel like I juggle a dual-life. With the g guys I feel like I’m kind of embarrassed to be friends with them? It’s weird…lol I don’t want to feel that way and I’m not saying I’m any better than them but I do feel like I’m embarrassed to be friends with them when I’m friends with other guys that care about who your friends with. I feel bad for feeling this way. I get that awkward feeling. Like when im just with the cooler kids I don’t want to say I’m friends with these guys. I wish I didn’t feel that way at all and said hi to two people that wouldn’t get along and feel nothing. I even feel that with my bestfriends that I’m embarrassed about them sometimes. I don’t want to be but I do. I hate that I feel that way but I do. It’s cause they are so different I feel like it looks bad on me but I have to stop caring. Just be happy that I have friends and act like D.

I can’t help but care what people say about me as much I say I don’t. If I keep hearing I’m being annoying I’m going to change. It’s not that my personality is annoying. It’s that I don’t shut up. LOL I’m going to change that and tone it down. 

I love my life. But there are times I wake up feeling weird? LIke after a day of completely socializing with people I’m not used to, I feel like that. Like I get all weird. It’s either that I’m really confused with life and what I’m doing or I just feel like I was acting weird the night before. Ugh. I just want to be happy and my life to be happy. I’m so bipolar lol

xoxo

 

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