It’s early in the morning and I’m about to head to work. I realize I don’t even know why I care about what those girls say. I guess if they were good friends for D they would act that way but I geniunely feel they aren’t good people… but whatever. I’m living my life and i’m deciding to cut them out. Not care being friends with them. I’ll be nice when we see eachother but that’s it. The older I get the more I realize how dumb drama is. Don’t get me wrong if someone crosses me I will definitely let them know. I just don’t start drama. Never have. My grandma taught me better than that.
Sigh.. there are definitely days I miss having a guy always there. I have all these guys that I meet through parties trying to holler at me but I don’t want them. Guys that I meet partying always want to fuck or they do want to get to know me but I’m not interested at all. I don’t ever think partying is the best way to meet guys but how else am I going to meet guys. I’ll rather have some guy’s attention than none. But there are days I just want to be sober and just hang out with guys. Get to actually know eachother. Not be shady to each other. Not have to keep secrets from other guys because I’m hanging out with another. I’m just so over this lifestyle I’m in right now. It’s fun and I love it but at the same time I just want something more. I love how my lifestyle right now is so fast paced, always having something to do, have good company, and I’m completely myself- yes including my bad sides like my bitchiness and my rudeness. I’m still trying to work on being more polite and less rude and less selfish and less annoying. It’s hard sometimes but practice makes perfect. Sometimes I just want a life where I can still enjoy my social activities while being with guys that aren’t like this but someone that actually cares about me like a best friend. It’s just their lifestyle that bothers me nothing else. That’s the reason I don’t even want to date them or have anything with them.
Like I was out with these guys the other day. W and R. I just met them with my girlfriend. R thought I was being rude in the car because I really needed to pee? LOL… like okay. I was drunk though haha he said he wanted to throw me out of the car to my buddy. W said about me and my girlfriend that he doesn’t know where we’ve been because we were meeting other guys. Like fuck you LOL. But to be honest I’m so used to guys thinking this way about me. It’s cause I’m loud and I give off a party girl personality. I don’t even care that I give off this impression to them because I don’t want them. Even if I think theyre cute I just want them for the moment not to take them seriously. The only guys I take seriously are guys that aren’t in that lifestyle. I know guys in general don’t like girls that party to be girlfriend material.Please god find me a fine ass nice boy LOL preferably Caucasian or halfer yanno ;). I need a boyfriend. Never had one. I just like having the attention of one guy and you just always want to hang out with them. Someone that accepts my flaws and makes me a better person. And I want to do the same for someone else and give them my everything and not just care about only myself for once. I want to care for somebody else. I just keep seeing all these dumb love stories and it’s making me jealous haha not going to lie. They just look so happy with one person and they don’t even have to look at anyone else. They look so in love and look like they have so much fun like noone else is there. I want that. I still don’t know who my first boyfriend will ever be. I don’t know if I’m just picky? I probably am. I just don’t want to settle. I just want someone that I’m so comfortable with by just being myself. I’m not asking for someone perfect. Just close LOL. haha jk. I want to meet him now. It honestly would be the right time right now. I have time for commitment at the moment but I just won’t give it to anyone.
Man I realize I have a I don’t give a fuck attitude. I have developed such thick skin in this city. It’s crazy. Every opinion just goes through one ear and out the other without affecting me. But I guess the things said about me aren’t true that’s why I don’t care or care to defend myself. Why should I have prove myself to somebody who doesn’t want to get to know me? It only hurts me when the thing they said is true. I guess this is the best way to live though to not care about what anyone else thinks of you or says of you. Because honestly when you start caring you ruin yourself. You care about your reputation, you care about the nasty things people are saying about you that aren’t true, you care about how people perceive you as a first impression. You know what happens? You start acting how you want youre reputation to be, you try to change yourself so what people are saying about you is conflicted, you change you. At the end, you aren’t yourself. Noone is perfect neither are the people criticizing you. Why cause change yourself for the opinion of sheep. It’s not worth it and you’re not going to be happy either. Just be everything you are and be happy. Because the people that you know the best and love you the most know so. And even without asking they will defend you to the core because they know the real you through the flaws and mistakes.