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No I am not writing about one of my flings stories- and it’s definitely not about me going lesbian anytime soon either LOL.

I don’t know if it’s just me or not me. Have you met a friend who was super persistent with you? Always inviting you out? Really popular? Didn’t care how you acted towards her as long as she eventually got to be close with you? I met one of those. To tell you the truth the ones that are usually really persistent with me are usually the ones that become my bestfriends.

This one is a little different though. When I first met her. I thought she was annoying as fuck, a suck up, very nice, non-judgemental, sweet, gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, tries to get close with everyone even if they were really shy, genuinely nice. This girl would constantly message me when I’m not answering and I’m not going to lie it stressed me out. My mind would always go blank when I was talking to her. I always had to think before I text. I always had to make my text not sound boring and not sound like I wasn’t doing anything when I would message her. Why? I guess it’s kind of a pride thing. I didn’t want to seem like a loser having nothing to do  and not doing anything when I was bored. Eventually she started asking me out alot with my girlfriends and I wouldn’t go unless my gf went. I wanted to go but I didn’t want to go without my close gf or someone I was familiar with. I get really anxious and I get quiet when I’m around people don’t know. I’ll be extremely nice, sweet, not offending, quiet, and usually just laugh and never make comments. I’m really the complete opposite lol I can be quite a bitch, offensive, rude, loud, I always have something witty to say back, but I can be very sweet and nice and protective. You can say I’m not myself when I’m around people I don’t know. I wish I was that type of person that is who they are exactly when they first meet people. I’m working towards there.

I was always stressed out about talking this girl and even though we eventually got close I still do. I wasn’t stressed out when were talking when we were close but I was when we weren’t close and after we got distant. I let that happen because I felt like I needed it – i’ll explain later. She made realize I have anxiety talking on the phone with people I just met or weren’t that close with. With her, whenever she called I would anxiously get up and prepare myself before picking up my phone. LOL I would wait a few rings so I didn’t look desperate, I would even go outside, or turn on music just to play in the background, before picking up her phone call. LOL I’m such a loser.. sigh. She made me realize that and that I need to work on that.

She always invited me out. I eventually went without my close girlfriends. I eventually got close to her like that. I started to always go out with her. We were always together. People started to think we were bestfriends. We would say were just jokingly. But in all honesty I never thought of her as a bestfriend. Because girls like these make bestfriends just as fast as they lose them. I’m not trying to sound negative or anything or look at that bad sides of people. I’m just being realistic, honest, and cautious I guess.. Maybe I should stop thinking ahead of time when things haven’t even happened yet.

We eventually got really close. Always on the phone for hours, texting eachother only and ignoring everyone else, always having our inside jokes, always knowing eachother’s secrets. I realized how much I appreciated her when she had my back this one time. Because before that I always had trust issues with her- I wasn’t able to tell her certain things about me or people because I had a gut feeling she would tell someone else. Some secrets are just better kept to yourself then to be told to other people. After that I trusted her and I actually had her back for whatever she needed for. I still do.. sort of but it’s drifting.

We had a few blowups. Why? To be honest, she was starting to get on my nerves. The thing is I wasn’t able to voice my opinions and my issues with her because she was the sensitive type. The ones that never heard problems about themselves or they get really defensive. Me? I’m the brutally honest type if you want the truth, you’ll the truth from me … if you want it. I knew she was the type that didn’t want it. She seemed insecure and defensive about alot of things so I knew.

I would always tell my bf about shit that happened. My bf would get choked about it. Like she would get me to invite guys to go out and when they’re here she’ll change her mind last minute and say nevermind which makes me look bad. I get it I should always go with her over guys but in the moment it pissed me off. And this other time she would always think I’m leaving her for someone else to be friends with them which was not the issue I was just being nice because she was alone, or this other time she thought I was leaving with a friend she introduced me to to go party when I was just going to go home myself and she offered a ride for me. She would get pissed about the little shit and it was starting to piss me off. Trust me when I’m pissed off you don’t want to see it because I can be a complete bitch. Obviously I would take it to the next level and she would too and she would get pissed off. And the next day, I hated it because I would apologize to make it all better -usually for my part of the fault. But sometimes I would just apologize to get it over with – sincere or not sincere. I didn’t want to deal with her giving me a bad reputation. I know her type and I’ve seen her do it. Do I care about my reputation? Yeah, I do. You would be lying if you didn’t. I wish I didn’t but honestly I do. I stick up for what I think is right. But in this situation you gotta be realistic and smart. And the smart decision is to not let her know how badly I was pissed and how badly I wanted to bitch her out sometimes. I’m the type of the friend that you need to tell me your issues and i’ll tell you my issues- nicely or not- and then makeup. That’s what I call true friends- ones that can take your shit and you can take their shit and we still love eachother and have the best intentions for eachother.

She even talked behind my back to people. Do I have evidence? No. But I know she does. She told me what her friends thought of me. That I was cocky. That I was a bad friend. That I can be rude. That was it. I guess if you really look at it, it wasn’t that bad. I can deal with cocky and rude because I can be sometimes but I know I’m not because I genuinely care.

I always had my girls backs. I admit it that I wasn’t perfect and that I’m never going to be. But I would ,genuinely in my heart, always be there for them whenever they needed me. I would like to know and believe that I’m a good friend. All the girls that know me very well know that I’m pretty difficult to handle at times, that i’m not scary, that i’m very dorky, that i’m very sweet, and that I really care for them and would do anything for them. We even got to the point were we call and consider eachother sisters more than anything.

However a bad friend?! Only when something said about you is true it hurts. I’ve been called a bad friend before to one of my closest friends.

It hurt because I know I can be a bad friend, but I hoped that all the other times I was there for you I could make up for it. I admit it. I can be a girl that can be dicks over chicks at times. That I forget about my friend because I wanted guy’s attention more for myself. I was being selfish. I barely even knew these guys too. I never took the initiative to go deeper with them and the girls I knew? I knew them to a T. I know it’s sad. I even at this one situation I left my bestfriend with this guy she didn’t want. I was drinking that night and we had a girlfriend of ours that she introduced me to come to the party as well. My bestfriend was pinching my ass trying to get me to get her away from that guy. I felt it but I acted like I didn’t and I ignored her and left with her friend to the washroom. She ended up making out with that guy. I got the blame for it. I was pissed off about the situation and when she was attacking me for it I was defensive. I told her that you didn’t have to makeout with him- drunk or not that isn’t my problem. But the fact is.. If I was her bestfriend I shouldn’t have let that happen. I should have pulled her away. I should have not cared about her girlfriend at the moment. I shouldn’t have cared about fitting in with the popular girls at that moment. I should have acted like a bestfriend and told him to fuck off. Her friends told her who then told me that they asked her why she was still friends with me. That I was a bad friend. At the moment it really did hurt. I was so caught up trying to have a social life again, so caught up trying to fit in, that I forgot what mattered the most to me in my life. It made me realize that I was willing to give up anything for what I wanted- and that was sad. She forgave me and I’m so happy she did because I do regret what happened. And I’m glad really really forgiven me. It makes me realize that I need to forgive too and let go of things too.

The funny thing is I got total karma for that. Because this exact same situation happened to me. With this girl. We were bffs at this time- well everyone thought we were. She left me at the club go with her new girlfriends. I know she left with them for a fact. Either she wants tell me the truth or not. I know. Because these new girlfriends of her wouldn’t have done that to her and just leave her. She left early from the club and it was her birthday so I didn’t care. She was hammered herself. What pissed me off the most was that I was really drunk that night. I actually didn’t even want to go to her birthday. I was in the worst state of myself. But I went? Why? Because I was considered close to her so I went for her. I got really drunk because I didn’t wan’t to be feel awkward or feel that I was constantly thinking about shit. I ended up at the club hammed, blacked the fuck out. Not passed out – but don’t remember much. I just remember I was with this guy. I checked my phone the next morning. I called her and she even didn’t pick up. I called other people but they didn’t care about me. That’s when I realized that none of these people give a fuck about me. If I never met that guy I wouldn’t have been home and I would have been alone.

But I do get it. These people don’t care about me because I never gave them the time to get to know me and for me to get to know them. I was just always there to party. I never wanted to get close. I did want to get closer but I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me. And I was afraid because I didn’t know how to get closer. I never wanted to show that I didn’t know how to be a close friend and that I’ll rather look like I’m the girl who doesn’t want to be friends and too cool for it I guess. With this girl I was just fed up. I couldn’t forgive her for leaving me that night. I know I did some fucked up shit to her too so I just overlooked it. But having this situation happen to me made have even more trust issues with her. Already at this time I felt like she was replacing me because I was being a shit friend. I didn’t like it that she doesn’t deal with the problems first hand she would just act like it never happened. And I’m not like that all. I deal with the situation and the move on.

These are the reasons why I eventually blew up on her. I was holding onto all of these issues about her that it was making me angry. She told buddies of mine why do all the guys like her, she told me I was a social climber with the guys, that I was fake. I got really irritated with her because it wasn’t true. Like if you were my friend why would you say shit like that about me? Was it an issue that all the guys liked me instead of you? That I was a social climber with the guys? Please. I was not social climbing with your guys. It’s not my fault that they enjoyed my company. I never EVER went out of my way to call your boys, to go chill with your boys. They did that with me. And the thing is, I never went with them so I don’t get why you thought I was social climbing. I’m sorry one of your friends told me they’ll rather talk to me than you infront of your face even though you’ve known him longer. I never wanted to think you were jealous of me but everyone of my friends thought you were. I would never tell you straight up that ppl thought you were jealous of me because I could tell you were insecure about it. I’m not trying to sound cocky or anything like that but that’s just the vibe you gave me and I’m being sincere about it. I remember how I pissed I was about alot of the shit that happened between me and her. I would tell my bf. I would always complain and get so angry about it when I was telling them about it. Even at one point my counsellor told me “maybe she isn’t the right friend for you”. My counsellor was right and maybe she wasn’t. I wasn’t able to drop her as a friend because I felt like she was too valuable of a friend to lose. Valuable as in everyone knew her. She was a good friend to me and always stuck by me when shit was fucked and I valued that alot. Even when she had to chose me over her other friends. Secrets, I had trouble telling her but my trust with her will grow with time.

I’m not as angry as I was before with her because I feel like I distanced myself long enough from her to not have these burdened feelings anymore. Chilling with her doesn’t bring up those feelings anymore. And I realize writing about this after the situations that happened that I need to allow myself to forgive and forget about the shit she did to me. That I just need to chill out and fuck around with her like we used too. That I should allow myself to trust her when I think it’s right.

I needed to forgive and forget to grow. Because if my bff didn’t forgive me for what I did to to her and how this girl did the same thing exactly to me, we wouldn’t be as good friends as we are right now.

xoxo

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