Here goes my mood swings. I feel like I’m in a weird rut again. Not sure what it is it just keeps coming back feels like a never ending cycle. Or maybe its because S is still texting me like an asshole and its getting me upset or I think its the just the fact I don’t really feel confident in whatever I’m doing lately. I’m not depressed and it’s not that I’m not happy it’s just me not feeling confident in everything I’m doing which makes me feel like shit sometimes.

I think I feel like I’m not fulfilling life to its fullest. That my expectations are too high and that I need a lot to fulfill my life.  And that only my expectations make me truly excited about life. That I know for a fact it does because I’ve had it happen.

It’s my birthday in 3 days and I’m not even excited about it. I have my closest girlfriends saying happy birthday to me and that’s all I really need right now. I do like the big parties and everything where I’m center of attention. I lie and say I like things small when I really would love something big. I’m lying to people saying I love things small trying to save face that I don’t have alot of people going to my own birthday party. I know my really good friends are going to come.But I’m the type of person who wants the biggest birthday party. I don’t really like to invite people either or like to hear rejection. Both these things would just make me feel upset and sad. Is it weird that I love to feel wanted. And if there is a slight feeling that I’m not wanted there badly by one of my friends I feel unwanted. I get gloomy over it and all of a sudden don’t feel like going out anymore. I don’t overthink it, it’s just a natural reaction.  I feel like i’m really sensitive to people’s comments about me too lately not like how I used to feel – I used to feel nothing when people made comments about me, literally nothing at all and just brushed it off.

I’m going out depending on my mood now too because what’s the point of forcing myself to go out when I don’t feel like it. When I’m just going to be a bummer. Be silent, quiet, act uninterested. Just happens. I don’t understand why I feel like this but I somewhat do. I feel like I’m not fulfilling my life. And that’s the real reason. Maybe my standards of life are too high and anything less makes me feel mediocre and not enthusiastic.  I’m not really good at faking my feelings so my true feelings of how I feel are always on my face. The actions of how I try to be genuinely excited for someone or happy, I can’t do.  Here we go again in this damn rut that i’ve had before.  Hopefully it’ll be gone by tomorrow.

Does anyone else feel like this?