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Like I promised I’m going to talk about J. J is a guy I met through a girlfriend of mines. I’ve never hung with out with J alone. It was always me and his buddies. I remember first meeting him. I was really shy. I didn’t know any of the guys.

I remember my girlfriend messaging me in the car ride there to the restaurant and asked if I thought anyone was cute. I was like no at first. Then I saw J who was sitting infront of me and I was like J’s kinda cute. My gf told me to go for it (like always LOL). I remember when we got to the restaurant we had to move tables because we wanted a better table. I was initially sitting beside my gf but when we moved I sat next to J. Not on purpose but I was kind of forced on that side of the table. I thought he was cute and I didn’t really want to sit next to him because I’m shy and I didn’t really know what to say to him. I tried not to care. He kept trying to talk to me when he sat next to me. I felt it getting awkward because I didn’t know him very well and I had nothing to say. I actually found it he went to a good school and was smart. He was very sweet and nice. A gentleman.

I got really drunk at the restaurant because they kept ordering rounds and rounds of shots. I kept getting him to drink with me even though he told me he usually doesn’t drink and didn’t want to. What a good boy eh. Not what I expected. I think he took the shots because of me. He got really red which I thought was really cute. He gets really red when he drinks because he doesn’t usually drink.

We all ended up going to J’s place after. Me and my gf had to change first because we were going to the club after so we went to her place first and then went to J’s. When we got to J’s. One of the guys left something in my gf’s car so they all went with her to go grab it. I was basically left with J. Alone. I was tipsy so I was alot more flirty. I ended talking to him getting to know him better. He was smiling and laughing so I was assuming he liked to chilling with me. I found out he was like me on how we met our friends. His bestfriend was O and they met through another friend they don’t like anymore. I told him that’s how I met mines. That I met my girlfriend through another girlfriend we don’t like anymore. I remember comparing how tall I was to him because I told him I’m really short. I remember telling him how strict my parents are and were. We got to know eachother for a little bit and I ended up getting his number that night before I left  to the club.

My girlfriend asked me all the details of what happened and I told her I don’t really remember how I got his number. It just happened. I gave him my phone and he put in his number and called his phone.

To be honest. I would have went for J. I didn’t think his past was that bad even though it really was. I could accept the fact that he had a past and even if he was still doing it, it was okay. I could overlook all the bad because of the good. I never told my gf how I really felt because .. because I don’t know actually. The fact that she might know my true feelings. The fact that I didn’t want her to tell the guys how I felt I guess. My gf would ask me if I would go for him. I said no. I told her he would hate me if we dated. He’s a good guy and I didn’t want to change that. I told her I didn’t want to. That I didn’t accept his past and what’s he’s doing now.

I could accept J’s past because he was a good guy, smart, going to school, cute, innocent, kind hearted, giving, considerate, buff, tall, was really close with his whole family, came from a good family, gentleman, nice, polite, down for his friends to a fault, good boy, kind of shy, older than me, will start shit when necessary, and not a pussy.

The reason why I told her that was because I guess because she thought he was cute too. I never compete for guys. It’s just not my thing. If she really did want him, I would let her have him. I don’t ever think its ever worth it to lose a friend for a guy. And I told her that several times. Well she didn’t end up getting him and I’ll tell you the full story next time.

After that day, me and my gf actually chilled with his boys for a while. Hanging out alot. I got to really know those guys. I backed off a bit because well I was busy with my own girls and other people too.

We went to the movies this one time. I was already texting J alot. He would always complain that I take forever to reply and asked if I was ignoring him. BUDDY LOL I take 7 hours literally to reply to other guys I’ve been talking to and I only made you wait 30 minutes!! LOL Feel appreciated!! Yeah I take forever replying to guys I just don’t really care at the moment and I could be doing other things instead of constantly messaging guys and everyone on my phone. I’ll rather be doing something or going out. I don’t really reply when I’m out either.

When we got our movie tickets he was sweet enough to ask if I wanted any food and I told him no it’s okay. The guys went to go get food and I was left with the girls. One of the girls was like he likes you doesn’t he LOL And one of the guys were behind us so he was eavesdropping and heard the conversation. I’m not sure if he ever told J. She was asking me what I thought of him. I told her I thought he was cute but I didn’t want anything.

Later in the theatre I sat next to my girlfriend but I think J was trying to sit next to me but the seats were already taken. He then passes me icecream and was like here I got it for you. I’m like thanks. In my head I’m thinking he’s so sweet. I’ve never met a guy so nice and genuine to me without trying to act sleazy and want other things from me. The guys I usually meet just want to fuck me so its hard for me to really trust a guy and want something more. I didn’t feel that way about J though. I felt like he was genuinely being nice and really was trying to get to know me. I wasn’t used to it. Finding a guy that I was genuinely interested in that wanted to get to know me too. I didn’t know how to act. Maybe that’s why I was so standoffish from him. I tend to pull away from the guys I really want and act like I’m not interested when I’m secretly really into them and tell my bffs that. They just don’t know.

I told his boys too one night we were all together that I thought J was cute but I didn’t want anything serious. That I didn’t want anything. They told me J thought I was really cute too. They asked me why I didn’t want anything. I told them I had family problems which is true. But sometimes I feel like I’m not being completely honest with myself. Maybe its the fact that I didn’t want to go for him because I was scared. Again. He was everything I wanted right infront of me and I somehow have to make excuses to not date him. I remember this one time. OMG the most embarrassing and most awkward moment ever in my life. No lie. One of J’s buddies was telling everyone how J was such a good guy. And I was like why don’t you date him if he’s such a good guy. Everyone starts laughing and THEN my own gf goes like “the real question is .. why don’t you DATE him.” Everyone stares at me and I have the most shocked face ever but still smiling because I didn’t what to say or do. Everyone’s waiting for my response LOL. I try to change the subject and tell one of his buddies to drink with me. I was really really going to kill her LOL but it’s alright.

The most hurt part about this whole situation with J was that he eventually wasn’t interested in me anymore. I don’t know when it happened but it did. He told my gf that he wasn’t interested in me. I asked her why. And she says she doesn’t know but she thinks its because of my personality. I’m not going to lie. It did hurt. It was the first time in a long time where I had a guy tell me he wasn’t interested in me. It felt like a dig at the heart. I was actually hurt because I would have considered him but in the end I guess I protected myself because I never told my gf how I felt. So I still had face you know? It hurt me that he didn’t like my personality when so many guys like me for my personality. I wanted to know why he didn’t but I had no way of getting it. My gf wouldn’t ask or I guess wouldn’t tell me.

Somehow I felt like my gf was doing it purposely so she could get close to him. Because she told me out of nowhere that he wasn’t interested in me. Or maybe I was just jealous blaming it on her. So far I’ve only got jealous over three guys: K, J, and C. (I’ll talk about C another time) I was jealous because I wanted him. But I wasn’t going for him so I was being selfish if I just wanted him because someone else wanted him. And that’s not right. I wasn’t sure what I wanted but I knew one thing for sure I was afraid to get into a relationship and didn’t know how to get into one.

I remember telling my girls how I met this really really cute guy and that he was different from all the other guys. Exactly what I asked for. I remember telling one of my bffs and she said he got you huh. She knows me to a T. And she knows J was perfect for me. The guy that I have been telling her I wanted for along time. A guy who was bad but was different; nice, sweet, smart, gentleman, caring, and not a pussy. My perfect guy expectations have changed as I’ve met alot more guys but J was exactly what I wanted before. If only I met you earlier eh haha. I remember telling my bff and she’s like you would go for him wouldn’t you and I was like yeah. I would tell her stories about what happened between us and she could tell I was really interested in him. We even drove by where he lived LOL. Just to show her. Yeah I’m embarrassing.

Even one of his buddies O said to me I think the only guy that can get you is J. O and I get along with really well because we have the same type of personality. O’s fun, makes me laugh. He even said he doesn’t know he’s always so happy around me. O asked me questions about the guys he knew I had a thing with. I guess to feel me out because I wouldn’t tell anyone anything that I’ve done before or anybody I had flings with.